Family Of Two

The Happy Ending..

2011-09-15T12:51:00.003-04:00

It's been 4 years since I blogged here...but I want to put the period at the end of the story. I want to type THE END, and what a happy ending it was.

On Tuesday we became parents of a baby boy.

Our wait is over. The wounds have healed. The Lord's promise has been fulfilled.

I am a Mom, and Jake is a Dad, and we are a family of three!

MOVING...

2008-04-29T11:21:00.004-04:00

I am putting a for sale sign in the yard, and am moving the blog and I to some new digs.

We found some great property over at Wordpress. Over there I have keys! I can lock specific entries or the whole darn house. I love it.

The address is http://familyoftwo98.wordpress.com/
I have copied and pasted the last entry from this blog and moved it over there. It still smells like fresh paint and carpet over there, so there aren't any photos on the walls yet. So its a little bare. As soon as I can figure out how to add my tickers and things I will do so.

Oh, you will need the password for my protected entries: Secret

Enjoy

I Know She Ment Well...

2008-04-28T14:07:00.000-04:00

This is an email I got from my mother in law today.

I was sorry to hear that your pregnancy was not to be. You and Jake are young…you’ll have another. You should’ve came down yesterday with Jake. I hope you don’t think that I’m “angry” or upset with you. By all means, I’m not and neither is Dan. I just wanted you to know that we’re thinking about you and hope you are all right.

Mary Anne

For the most part it is sweet, and dripping with concern. Which to be honest is a surprise. Picture Roseanne as your Mother In Law, and you being "Mark" well thats about how well she liked me until about oh 3 years ago or so. Anyway...

You'll have another really peaves me. How do you know? How can you say that? WHY would you say that? There is NOTHING that is normal about this situation...its not even over yet, and you are already planning the next grand child? Please. I don't even know if I ever want to have unprotected sex again. You will have another...please.

I am over reacting I know...but that line just bugs me...

They Know...

2008-04-28T09:18:00.002-04:00

Jake finally told his parents about the baby. They said they were starting to get worried but didn't want to pry. I love that about them. They are 100% there if we need them, be it borrowing money, lending a home improvement hand, house/dog sitting while on vaction. What ever we need, but they don't "bother us" or judge us for what ever decisions we make. Even so I couldn't bring myself to go over with him. Instead I busied myself with house work. Which Lord knows I have been slacking on as of late.

After he left I went outside and sat on the deck in my sky chair. I was reading "I Lost Our Baby" as the sun hit my goose bump covered legs. As I was reading I became more discouraged with the book. It started out with promise. It outlined how they had come to being pregnant, of course it was an oops. After all their first child was only 7 months old, and they only had intercourse one time. Normally I would hate this woman, but given that I already knew the outcome I couldn't muster up any anger. Progress right?

As the book progressed it really glossed over the miscarriage and its aftermath. She seemed to move through it quickly, and then became consumed with becoming pregnant again. It was at this point that she disclosed that despite having 1 1/2 ovaries, and completely dysfunctional tube that she not only had this "oops" baby but also became pregnant wit her first child on their honeymoon. Yet now she was suddenly concerned with her "inability to conceive" Then I became angry. This was really a book about imagined secondary infertility. Which by the end of the book you come to find out by the time her son was 14 months old she was pregnant again, and as a prolouge they were also pregnant with their third child by the time that the book went to print. This was not a book about miscarriage and its aftermath, and I was mad.

When I was looking for contemporary books on this subject I couldn't find any. Sure there were medical books, but nothing written from the perspective of someone who has been there. Perhaps it is because most women who suffer from miscarriage go on to have healthy pregnancies? Or perhaps because its a topic that isn't talked about outside these circles that no one wants to talk about them? Either way its a crime. You can walk into any Borders, or Barnes and Nobles and find a ton of book on how to conceive, what it will be like while your pregnant, and then how to raise the child once it arrives. Yet there are no guides on what its like to live the infertility roller coaster, and then the aftermath when everything you have worked for ends with one blood test, or a gush of blood.

So in the time it took for Jake to visit with his parents, and to go to the pharmacy to pick up my Valium I had already started on what I hope will be a book. It's crazy I know, but just starting to write down our journey from day one seemed theraputic. I included Jake's unspoken relief when I didn't conceive in those early days, shared the financial destruction in the early years that still didn't prevent me from trying to conceive, and have made it as far now as our 6 month seperation as a result of all three.

Will it ever see the light of day? Who knows. I do plan to self publish it at least for my own benefit...and who knows, perhaps someday I would order a second copy to send to someone who needs to read it. Or maybe, someday when I am gone my niece and nephews will come acrossed it while cleaning out my house and one will sit down and read...thaking God that medical science has changed...and will relish the fact that IVF (hopefully) is the price of an IUI today...

Yes all of this stems from the fact that they now know...

Enough Already...

2008-04-26T12:58:00.003-04:00

So the nurse just called. My numbers are the SAME as they were a week ago. Yup, HCG is STILL 124, and my P4 is still 11. The doctor however is "not concerned" Well good for him. It's not HIM who has a dead embryo obviously still attached inside of them. So why would HE be concerned? Me, I am PI$$ED. Seriously I have had enough. I had enough 2 weeks ago when they told me this pregnancy was non viable. I had enough three days later when they wouldn't do a D&C. I had enough last week when they offered me Methotrexate, but I was HOPEFUL that it would resolve the issue. NOW I have had MORE than enough.

Jake and I just had a HUGE knock down (literally) drag out fight. I was so out of control that he had to restrain me. This is NOT normal. I am a yeller yes, but I have NEVER gotten to the point where he was concerned about my hurting him or myself. This is NOT NORMAL, but the doctor is still not concerned. Jake admitted that he doesn't look at this as defeat, but rather as hope. He is convinced that as soon as this is over and we would get the OK that we will be pregnant in short order. I finally admitted to him that I don't want to try again. I can't go through this again. I am going to be 34 years old in November, at 35 there are too many variables that make a healthy pregnancy all the more unlikely...and if I couldn't do it at 23, and then again at 33...there is no way that 34 or 35 would be any different. He said "lets just wait and see"

Back to the nurse...said that Dr. wants me to come back on Thursday for more blood work. That is "important that we keep a close eye on this" I told her I have missed far to much work and that coming up on Thursday is IMPOSSIBLE. My heart of hearts tells me that I am going to be going in for another laprascopy with D&C soon. When what I want to do is scream...WHY DID YOU NOT DO THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE???

Yes, today I am dripping in anger...not because I have a right too. There are people out in the world who have it far more difficult than I do. No, I am dripping with anger simply because I have had enough...and I don't know how much more I can take before I crack so badly that even industrial strength Spackle won't be able to fix me...

You've Got Balls...

2008-04-25T07:44:00.002-04:00

I am a bit more than disappointed with PNC Park. Our seats were fabulous. We were 3 rows back from the rail in the first and second seats on the second level. No complaints there. We were foot steps from the ladies room, which is very helpful when you are waiting patiently for something to happen, and you are wearing white! And we were only a few steps further away from what used to be the stand that had "THE NACHOS" Please note I said USED TO...

Now let me tell you about these nachos...they were your typical corn chip with bbq chicken or beef. Nacho cheese, peppers of the red, and jalapeno variety, and some onions. Piled high in the paper tray that held their glory. My mouth is watering just thinking about them. Yeah...

Last night Jake went to retrive them for me only to return to tell me the "all American" stand has been replaced with a Wok. No, I am not kidding...Chinese food at a baseball game. Now I know the palet has changed. We are no longer satisfied with buttered popcorn at the movies, or myster meat hot dogs at the ball game...but really, Chinese? Are you serious? Now they did have nachos...but they were Asian nachos...which were really fried wanton skins with CUCUMBER CHUTNEY! No wonder no one in our section had nachos, but I did smell some General Tso's. Needless to say, I was less than thrilled with the cuisine last night.

It was a game full of pop up foul balls however, so it was no surprise when our section was pummeled under 6-7 of them. Cooler yet was when the guy 6 seats down from me stood up and caugh one bare hand. In all the games from the Norwich Navigators minor league, to our visit to Jacob's Field, to our many visits to Three Rivers and PNC Park have we ever been in a section that has gotten a foul ball much less it having been in the same row! Hoots and hollers were heard all around.

At the bottom of the 7th inning when we were loosing 6-1 I said "lets go home" but Jake wanted to stay to the bitter end. Then things got really interesting. In the 8th inning, Jason Bay is up to bat. He hits a foul ball "Head up" we hear from the attendant and I look up in the air. Above me I see the ball in the air, but it looks like its going to the left. No, wait it's coming back. "THUD" it wacked the plexiglass door and came shooting back at us.

I twisted my body and the next thing I know I have my hand on the ball, and people are stepping on me and around me. I yelled "I GOT IT I GOT THE BALL" and the people started to back off. It was so cool. The ball now sits on my desk, the black bruise from where bat met leather showing prominently. My smile, larger than my husbands because the odds of me ever getting a foul ball in the bottom of the 8th inning...well lets just say...I don't often beat the odds...

One Of Those Days...

2008-04-24T07:29:00.002-04:00

Its going to be one of those days. Nothing in particular is setting me off, but nothing in particular is calming me down either. I am frustrated today. Frustrated that today is my mom's birthday. Frustrated that on my dads birthday less than 20 days ago I found out I was pregnant, and now 20 days later I am still waiting for that ill fated pregnancy to end.

Frustrated that the right side of my face is still swollen and puffy. Frustrated that after having a great pain day yesterday, and even being able to eat that at 10:30 last night my pain was at an all time high. Frustrated that the only things that helped me were Aleve, Oxycodone, and a gel ice pack from my Follistim delivery. Notice, I didn't put my husband on that list. No, his "helpfulness" was to berate me for not staying on hold with the endodontist any of the three times I called yesterday. I'm sorry but when a patient calls and asks to schedule an appointment at my clinic I don't put them on hold once much less twice every time they call. I also pointed out that they won't touch this tooth until the infection is completely cleared up, so my lack of patience has nothing to do with the amount of pain I am in this very moment. Really what did he think was going to happen? The tooth fairy would wave her magic wand and BOOM instant root canal?

I am also frustrated with the lack of information regarding methotrexate. Other than it often fails. I asked my miscarriage support group if anyone had any first hand information...IE how would I know if this failed? Someone offered up: If the embryo and sac reabsorbed I may never bleed from a miscarriage stand point. That I may simply ovulate, and then 12-14 days later I would have a cycle. This is unacceptable to me. I have PCOS, I don't ovulate on my own more than 2x's a year, and when I do its often late in a cycle. This is unacceptable to me.

I can't be frustrated with the doctors office. They did exactly what I asked them to do. "Do something to get this started" and they did. They even warned me that there is a failure rate with this shot, and that it often takes 2 shots to get anything going. Yet they were hopeful since my levels were so low that it wouldn't happen to me. HELLO, you are dealing with ME...I am obviously NOT the average woman here. If it can go wrong it more often than not does.

We are going to the baseball game tonight. I am, or was looking forward to it. Jake's company gives tickets to each of the gang and Jake is lucky enough to go twice. The nacho's they have on the "VIP" level are worth the trip. Yet all I want to do is go home, pop my antibiotic, pop a pain pill and go to bed.

Yes...its going to be one of those days...

The Queen And Her Crown...

2008-04-23T08:10:00.003-04:00

Ah self diagnosis proves to be right about 90% of the time, and this was no exception. Abcess of root tip on tooth number 4. I hate to be right when words like: root canal, post, crown, extraction, and gum grading are volleying around. Especially when I am petrified of the dentist and all dental proceedures up to and including simple cleanings.

Still, I have opted to save the tooth if at all possible. So today when the reinforcements arrive I have to start calling the endodontists that the dentist has referred me to. We need to coordinate the root canal with the end of my antibiotics, which will be over in 6 days. Following that I have to make a follow up appointment with the regular dentist so that he can place a post and a crown. Hmm, I wonder if they would give me a septor instead of a post...

In the mean time...I sit here looking like a lopsided chipmunk. The infection has moved out of my gum and sits squarely in the muscle over my sinus cavity. If people wouldn't take it seriously I would tell them Jake went postal and popped me one...but I think I have had enough bad karma to last me a life time.

On the lack of baby front...that wonderful "start" I gushed about yesterday was just that...a gush then NOTHING. I am still within the 24 hour to 7 day window for things to get started...but I am starting to think that based on my luck I am going to be among the 25% failure rate for shot #1. Sigh.

Yeah...karma...it strikes again.

Anything Else?

2008-04-22T09:13:00.003-04:00

Yesterday morning I woke with some tooth pain. This gave me no pause as often when my progesterone drops my teeth hurt. So I in my mind thought that my progesterone was dropping, and maybe by some miracle I would start bleeding before my shot. By the end of my doctors appointment I noticed that my mouth was quite uncomfortable. To the point where I needed to take an anelgesic. In my purse I carry Excedrin. A nice mix of buffered asprin and acetaminophen. That ussually takes care of the begining stages of a migraine, so why not a simple toothache? By the time I picked Jacob up at work I was beyond Excedrin, and hoping we had some Aleeve at home. By 7:30, I was in bed with an ice pack attatched to the side of my face. This wasn't going to end well...

At 10 I woke up and took some more Aleeve only to find that it offered zero comfort, and noted that if I even thought about biting down on that tooth that intense pain increased. At 12 Jacob came to bed and without being asked began to rub the affected area of my cheek that was causing such discomfort. At 12:15 he gladly went downstairs and replaced my now warm ice gel for a completely frozen one. At 2 a.m. I got up and started searching the medicine cabinet for any remnent of sugery gone by. Luckily for me I still had some goodies from my carpal tunnel. A half hour later I must have passed out because the next thing I remember was being awoken by the sound of the alarm.

Now I wait for the dentists office to open and HOPE that tonight is their late night because I am out of PTO...but if I have to take off tomorrow that is how it will have to be. I wonder what my next "trick" will be? For after all these things come in 3's...

In other news, the Methotrexate worked. I am bleeding. I thought once it started that I would revert back to the sadness that had overcome me a week ago. Instead I am rather unemotional about it. Maybe because right now the analgesics I have taken are curbing the cramping pain. Or perhaps its because it is like the begining of a period and not "scary" as I thought it was going to be. Or perhaps its true what they say...one pain crossed out another.

Maybe...

Tubal...

2008-04-21T16:47:00.003-04:00

I must say that Dr. T and his staff stepped up their game today. The MA came to the waiting room and told me the doctor would see me. I expected to be taken to a clinical room, and not his consultation office. I don't know why, but I felt like I was being taken to the principals office. Several thoughts ran through my head..."He won't treat us any longer" or "He is going to tell us that there is no further hope for treatment" or my personal favorite "He is going to yell at me for questioning his medical judgment" Yes, all of this from the time it took me to hit the door until I sat in the chair opposite his desk.

He immediately opened my chart and looked at my latest of lab work. "Mrs. L, I am so sorry that your pregnancy is being uncooperative" Then he paused realizing that sarcasm may not be the best tactic, "No, I am sorry this didn't work out for you" He went on to tell me that he believes that the pregnancy is tubal based on the low numbers, and the plateau effect. He said a non viable pregnancy would have showed higher initial numbers and a doubling affect that eventually dropped thus his theory continues to be ectopic.

Going forth he encourages us to try again. He said that this was an unfortunate fluke. The good news is that based on my surgery that my tubes are patent and that he would not have imagined a tubal going in. He also said that he is encouraged that the Follistim worked so quickly that should we try again that it would work equally as quickly next time. Lastly he said that the odds of another miscarriage are small, and that if my pregnancy were to end, that it would be unbelievable to him. He asked if I had any questions regarding the methotrexate, and was patient enough to answer them all.

It was Christy who drew my blood for my liver panel, and who administered my two shots. The methotrexate has a 75% chance of working on the first time, but if it fails I will need a second administration in a month. I also apologized for being a PITA patient, and she said there is no need, that I am far from the PITA of the year. She then clued me into a secret. She said "you know, I have been a nurse for 30 years. In those 30 years I had to learn to not get too excited when someone gets pregnant, and not to be sad when someone looses their baby. Otherwise I would be just like the patients. Up one day, and down the next. So if I ever seem cold its only for self preservation"

Self preservation...believe me I get it. Infertility, miscarriage, and child loss gives you that perspective. Otherwise we would have called it a day a long time ago...

Today...

2008-04-21T09:47:00.002-04:00

Today is the day I go for my methotrexate shot. In 48 hours all the hope and dreams we held for December will be gone. I know that the baby is already gone, if there was ever a baby at all. The more research I do suggests that this was a biochemical pregnancy, or a blighted ovum. Given my low low low HCG levels, I am begining to believe that its the earlier as opposed to the later.

We still haven't told the inlaws. Jake is dragging his feet, and while I feel they need to know before my mother in law starts buying out Babies R Us, I don't feel that an email is the appropriate way. I truly think that up until Saturday he was holding out hope that maybe my levels would suddenly rebound and that this pregnancy would somehow turn to gold instead of lead.

He is frustrated with me, and my dealings with this, yet is at the same time patient in other areas of this debacle. I move through the stages of grief quickly. I am over the bartering, anger, denial, and firmly in acceptance. Yet I can't let go of the what ifs. Christmas for example, I have decided we are not decorating. It's April, and I have already decided Christmas is just not happening this year. Then I turn the corner and say "we will be pregnant again by Christmas, instead of having a new born I will be pregnant" Which is then followed up with, or maybe we should just wait in definantely.

As such my refridgerator is a contradiction. In the butter keeper there is a newly filled prescription for the Nuva Ring. There are 8 refills left. In the vegtable crisper there is enough Follistim, and Ovidrel to give someone a pretty good shot at an IVF baby. While over in the pantry there is enough Ganirelix to supress even the earliest of ovulators in this situation.

I hope that when the shots are administered that the resolution is swift. For I fear that until there is resolution there will be no true moving on. I will be perpetually stuck in April...and I want to get out. In exactly 4 months we go to Boston, in a little over 4 weeks we have our Cedar Point weekend. After that there is the official opening of the pool...and while talking about that seems like moving on its really just going through motions until the end of Today...

Small World...

2008-04-19T11:23:00.004-04:00

I had to go back up to Dr. T's office today for you guessed it, more blood work. Shocking isn't it? As I waited for my turn to be next I happened to notice a familiar face walk in the door. Or so I thought for I only caught the blur, but I could swear that was Dr. K's ultrasound technician!

When the lab tech took me back she looked at my arm and said "oh wow that's really bruised" I told her "yes, I have had blood work done at my hospital twice this week" She sneered "Well why did you do that?" I told her because I am not happy with the way this is being handled, and I wanted up to date information instead of weekly. Needless to say I don't think she was pleased. For typically she was a one shot pop and I would bleed. Well after poking me this time she had to pull the needle almost out 4 times in order to get it right. Nice.

On my way out I handed her my letter and my EOB for billing. She actually told me there is a note in my chart that I am NOT to pay anything until they correct THEIR error. So at least I know that it DOES stem from my GYN care in January, and not some surprise charges from this ill fated pregnancy. I then asked if she could please copy my last blood work record. As I waited it was then that the ultrasound tech looked up from the follicular ultrasound that she was studying.

It's HER! She did, and still does work for Dr. K's office! I told her that I was able to become pregnant, but according to the office its not lasting. She apologized, and then said "you should really stop in and see us again. Now I don't know if that was just being polite, or if that was a hint that I should maybe return. I don't know. I just hope that if we would try another cycle with Dr. T that one of my ultrasounds happens to be on one of the Saturday's that she works. I would love to get her perspective on the ultrasound handling of this pregnancy...

In the mean time I am waiting for todays results. Either the numbers are dropping, holding or rising...but I need to know. So once again...hurry up and wait...

Its 3:54, and I just got off the phone with the doctor himself. I was ready to give up and be angry and decide that there was no point in continuing with this doctor. patience is not my strong suit if you haven't guessed. Anyway, my HCG rose to 112, but my P4 fell to 12. Which is where it was on Tuesday when I had my levels checked at my hospital.

So, my options were as follows: Wait it out, but he was understanding and said I know you have expressed frustration in waiting this out. Uhm, yea the understatement of the year there doctor. Option 2, Methotrexate. Which will have to be administered in the office. Or Option 3, D&C which he does NOT want to do. I have opted for Option 2. So at 1 p.m. on Monday I am to go to the office, and get my injection. From there the bleeding will start within a day or two.

After that we will have to wait one full cycle before ttc. So my best guess is that I will go on the pill next Sunday...thus giving us our next cycle on or around...May 20-May 22nd or there abouts. With potential ovulation occurring on or around June 2nd. For the first time in a week I am finally at peace. Finally.

I Want To Be Done...

2008-04-18T09:29:00.003-04:00

My life goes from bad to worse, and back again.

This morning we got up and I am still NOT bleeding. Even the brown gook has slowed. My cervix is low, and hard, but not producing cramps that would encourage releasing of an embryo through miscarriage. So Jacob and I go to breakfast, figuring we could waste time before going to WP.

When we arrive at WP I find the office. As I enter I am shocked to see that there is no one else in the waiting room. I go to the sign in desk, and see the receptionist eating her bagel, and the MA on the phone with the doctor. "Oh your first patient arrived after all." Pause "oh your not coming in then?" WTF? I was so pissed. "We can reschedule you" She tells me. NO YOU CAN'T, I need a D&C, I am supposedly having a miscarriage you CAN'T reschedule me! What don't you people understand? I am not here for a freaking papsmear I need some HELP!

I immediately went OFF on Jake. I told him he has been less than supportive. That he doesn't care and never did. It wasn't pretty, but I needed to get it out. He in turn yelled back at me. Told me we could have waited all day if we had to for her to show up. I told him that I am TIRED of being told to wait. I can deal with this being over, but I can't deal with being told to wait. Be it an hour, 2 days, or weeks. I can't handle it any more. I just need to be DONE. I then told him I never wanted to do this again. That made him yell even more. He then told me this never mattered to him. That he could live with or without children, and that if I wanted to be done then just be done and quit saying it. Yeah easy for you to say.

My first thought was to just go home and call into work and take the day off. As I drove past my hospital however I told him to stop the car and I got out. When I got to my office I seriously broke down. For a good 5 minutes I just cried. Then I called my PCP's office. They refered me back to my GYN. HELLO thats the problem, my GYN REFUSES to help me! So I pulled up my insurance website and started calling doctors who are close by. On my first call I talked to a very understanding person. She can't believe that the NURSE diagnosed a non viable pregnancy without an ultrasound. She took my name and phone number and said she would speak to the doctor in her office. I called her back about 10 minutes ago and she said that doctor would be calling me. Something tells me I am going to be told to sit tight and wait.

What really angers me is that if I wanted an abortion I could walk into planned parent hood and there would be no questions asked. Yet here I sit being told my pregnancy is not viable with no proof other than some brown spotting, and a blood test. Yet I can't get anyone with an MD after their name to give me the time of day. How is that for ironic?

I have an appointment for Monday. Not with the doctor who called me back. He was a jack ass. No, with a doctor who took me as an emergency patient. I explained again that I should be 5 weeks 5 days...repeated the story again. They said we HATE TO MAKE YOU WAIT, but can you come in on Monday. I almost started to cry. Someone who gets it. The lady said I can't promise you anything, but you may have your D&C that afternoon. Thank God. Oh, and their doctors do NOT have clinic and are on call for delivery at the same time!

The doctor then called me back from hospital #1...lets call it Pittsburghs largest Baby Factory...He basically told me I need to wait too. That the brown gook I have may be the miscarriage! WHAT! I haven't had a period since March...trust me dude, I have had heavier provera induced cycles than this miscarraige. He is opposed to he D&C because that can leave uterine scarring...uhm only if you scrape more than the lining and embryo out doc. Hell women have multiple abortions and go on to have healthy pregnancies...but nice freakign scare tactic.

I then told him my planned parenthood theory and he said NO THEY WOULDN'T GIVE YOU AN ABORTION. Well I hope not because that isn't what I seek. His reason..I woudl show negative on a urine test, and my ultrasound would also show a non pregnant uterus. Possibly...but if the uterus is empty then doesn't that mean the sac has either reabsorbed, or has detatched? I then told his arogance that his help was no longer required...I have an appoitnment at a competing hospital and they are in favor of NOT making me wait it out. Jerk.

Oh and Jake called. He apologized...I don't think I will wrap a golf club around his neck any more...

Can It Get Much Worse?

2008-04-17T17:31:00.002-04:00

I am beyond frustrated. I swear if anything else is thrown my way, be it by accident or design I don't know if I will be able to control my anger. I loved Dr. K, his office was like a precision rocket ship, and had the bed side manner to go with it. Yet I was never able to become pregnant. Now I am coupled with a doctor and and office staff that leave a less than sweet taste in my mouth.

Christy, the doctors wife and head nurse finally returned my phone call today. "Why did you call now?" She asked me. This after I left a very specific phone message. Even so I explained again that I am requesting either a D&C, or Cyotec because the emotional part of waiting for this miscarriage to begin is taking its toll. She said that Cyotec is not something that they prescribe, but that she would ask the doctor and call me back after the doctor does rounds.

A little after 2 my cell phone rings, and once again its Christy. Dr. T has emphatically said no to both requests. Cyotec won't work she says. As for a D&C, well she says that so long as I have HCG in my system that hospital will just send me home. No, I am not kidding! That was her excuse! She said that if I went to a "regular" OB that they would have never done a second beta, and that they would have waited to do my 8 week ultrasound and would have then recognized a missed miscarriage and only then would do a D&C because of no heart beat. Ok, so why not give me an ultrasound? I asked. "Well because you aren't far along enough to even have a heart beat" I just have to wait it out she said, and that it could take WEEKS for the miscarriage to begin. I am still to go and have my blood work done on Saturday, and then call them when the bleeding starts so we can get on with our next cycle.

Thank GOD I have a second opinion tomorrow. I can't imagine being told to just "sit it out" by a second doctor. I could completely understand if I was having a breast augmentation and wanted triple Z's put in that I would be told to "wait it out" But we are talking about removing tissue from my uterus. It is disgusting how this office has treated this tragedy.

To add insult to injury when I arrived home my new box of meds was waiting for me. Instead of immediately opening the box and being pleased with the contents I happened to notice an envelope on the table. The return address was from my doctors office. Inside there is a bill from them that states I am 61-90 days past due in the amount of $869. Three months behind! Now when I was in the middle of my stimulation cycle the ultrasound technician asked for payment on that same bill. I told her NO because all of my charges were to be billed to our insurance. She told me to take it up with Christy and I did. Christy told me those charges were an error. They were from my initial consultation at which time I had a papsmear. Not to worry she said, she would take care of it. Never again was I asked about this bill...until today.

I immediately called the office and was told that billing had left for the day. I left my name and phone number. Then I went up stairs and printed out my EOB, and wrote what I hope was a gentle enough, but pointed enough letter to get this situation resolved.

I still stand by this...I loved Dr. K's office, but never got pregnant under his guided hands. I hate Dr. T and his office, but on the first try we get pregnant only to loose our little one in as short a period of time. How is that for ironic...

Thank You's All Around

2008-04-16T19:21:00.002-04:00

I have been a little self absorbed over the past week. First with the pregnancy announcement, and then with the impending miscarriage. Yet you all over looked that and have come to my aid in my hours of triumph and despair. How do I thank you all? I mean that sincerely. Since Monday I have been on a roller coaster of ups...maybe they are wrong, maybe the baby is OK...to the downs, "why can't I just start cramping already?" And you heave each been there with hugs, advice, or a sympathetic ear. You have no idea how grateful I am.

I know I complain when readership is down when I am between cycles, or when there really isn't anything of substance going on. Yet when I needed you all to circle the wagons you were there. I met people through this experience that I had no idea existed before this week, yet they too picked me up and helped me dust off. That is remarkable.

Our paths would have likely never crossed if infertility, miscarriage, and still birth wasn't a part of our vocabularies. And believe me, if I had the choice I would rather not know any of you. I wish wish we were all complaining about stretch marks, 2 a.m. feedings, and husband who just don't understand why we have a headache tonight. Yet, if infertility has to be part of our lives, I am glad that there is a community full of people like you.

Thank you again. I couldn't have survived this week without you!

***As an update***

I called the doctors office after hours. I left them a message. I told them that the mental toll on "waiting this out" is getting to me. Thus I need them to do one of two things. Either prescribe Cryotec, which will force my uterus to contract thus expelling the contents. Or B. They need to schedule me a D&C for the end of the week or early next. If they fail to comply I still have my appointment with the second opinion OB whom I am sure will be more than willing to do one or the other...resolution is in site, and so is moving on.

Decisions...

2008-04-16T07:27:00.002-04:00

I have made up my mind. I am not going to wait for this miscarriage to occur on its own. I am going to call today and ask for a D&C. This will give me the closure I need, and the physical ability to move on. All pregnancy symptoms have disappeared, save that my breasts are still huge, but I imagine it will take some time for the fluids to leave the tissues.

Since it is now Wednesday and the nonviability was diagnosed on Monday, and the spotting started on Sunday I have completely lost hope that this will occur on its own. I am still "leaking" the brown mess that I have been for 2 days, but there has been no change to my cervix indicative of anything even remotely coming close to happening. Plus, I firmly believe that ones HCG must drop before an embryo "knows" to detatch from the wall of the uterus. Not simply a drop in progesterone, for after all its the HCG that is being made by the fetus and not progesterone at this point.

I have also decided that if we ever achieve another pregnancy with this doctor that this is how it will be handled. I am going to wait two full weeks after my cycle should have begun to test at home. Then I am going to bypass his office completely. I will contact a delivering OB/GYN, and not utilize the RE's services for any early prenatal care. I appreciate his "hands off" approach to ultrasounds and things during the follicular phase, and instead relying on blood work before subjecting you to one last ultrasound...but when you change from infertility patient to pregnancy the care needs to change.

If it weren't for the fact that I have run out of RE's in the Pittsburgh area to consult with I would be tempted to change yet again...but this doctor did get us pregnant on the first try...so in my mind we are in the middle of the 9th inning, not at the bottom of it...

Levels Going Down...

2008-04-15T17:42:00.003-04:00

My p4 today was 11.73. So it is going down. I am earily calm at moments, and at others I feel like if I look at a tree I may burst into tears. I know once the bleeding starts that it will be different.

Jake and I really want to try again. I don't think immediately as the nurse suggested. I think we will certainly wait until my next "cycle" starts. The plan however is to try "on our own" in May, June, July, and August. By "on our own" I mean with the help of the injections, but at home in our own bed, and not with my feet up in stirrups. Then in September, if we haven't had success then we will try one final IUI.

I know this will sound weird, but I want this to start. I want to be able to move on. For a while I had hope, or perhaps denial, but I think that may be normal. I still have faith in God too believe it or not. For my prayer was answered in crystal clear clarity...my prayer was "God please let me have a BFP, even its for a few days that would make me happier than anything" Be careful what you wish for, and pray for because you never know who is listening. Next time I will be sure to be clear "Please give me my BFP, and please let me deliver a health baby in 9 months" I think that is clear enough, don't you?

Second Opinion

2008-04-15T10:06:00.003-04:00

I called a physicians office at West Penn today. At first the scheduler said to me "The earliest I can get you in May 23rd" I was taken aback. I am calling because I feel this is an emergency. She put me on hold, and obviously got on the phone w/their nurse whom I had asked to speak to originally. After a few moments the nurse got on the phone and asked me the same questions.

I told her my concerns: 1. The doctor who helped me get pregnant has NEVER done a pelvic exam OR an ultrasound since confirming the pregnancy. 2. I KNOW that brown "bleeding" and slow rising HCG levels can be indicative of an ectopic pregnancy. 3. I am VERY concerned by being told to "wait it out" since my P4 was 147 at 15 dpo. Would there then not be a risk that this won't start on its own? Thus setting me up for infection? She did agree with me that I should have had an ultrasound yesterday AND that my HCG levels should be monitored every 48 hours rather than every 7 days. She did tell me that if I am going to miscarry there is nothing they can do to prevent it...which I am very aware of...I am not expecting a miracle here. I would just like an answer, and I am NOT getting them from my doctor.

After we went back and forth...her big thing was to tell my nurse and doctor that I demand an ultrasound and I demand blood work tomorrow she finally put me on the schedule. I am going to be seen on Friday at 9 a.m., on the same floor that Dr. K's office is on. In the same building. In the same hospital.

One of my good doctors here that I work for was kind enough to write me up a lab slip for a beta and progesterone level today. Of course they ran it, but they did it qualitative, not quantitative...so I am still reading as "pos" for pregnancy, but I don't know what my level is.

I still haven't begun bleeding. I am still not cramping...and my breasts that seemingly stopped hurting on Sunday are now as sore as they have been. So I am grasping at straws I know...but I have to do something to keep me from loosing it...

Christy called. I explained to her that I STILL haven't started, and blah blah blah. She said that I won't until my P4 drops to 0, and that as of yestersay I was still at 25. I asked when we could get started trying again? She told me if I start bleeding on my own then we can get started immediately, as in...CD 3 would be the 3rd day of my miscarriage. So I asked if I could order my meds, and she said YES if I wanted to, but that if I had to have a D&C then I had to wait for a month. I asked her when that decision would be made, and she said on Saturday.

I then asked her, for one last grasp of a straw, could this have been a multiple pregnancy and we lost one or two? She said no...emphatically...no. Logic tells me to believe, but my faith won't let me. Until we see no increase in numbers, and a negative ultrasound then I refuse to give up hope...

I Will Miscarry

2008-04-14T14:09:00.004-04:00

I just got off the phone with the nurse from Dr. Tippets office. My number went from 81 on Wednesday of last week 101 today. The bleeding I am having is the start of an early miscarriage.

In the mail today came a card from my sister for the "Parents To Be" I want to burn it. Soon in the mail there will be catalogs for nursery furniture, and baby clothes. God what the hell was I thinking? I don't get to have the baby other people do. Not me. What made me think that I would ever get so lucky?

I called Jacob at work. He didn't want to come home. He wanted me to tell him over the phone. The doctor wants me to come back in on Saturday for follow up blood work. I don't care. I just want to crawl into a hole. 15% of all recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage. 15 out of 100, that isn't terribly high...yet I fall into the wrong side of the statistics all the time.

3:47 p.m.

I suppose I should rephrase a bit. I am not as of this moment having a miscarriage. For all intents and purposes I am still pregnant. They tell me that without the number doubling that I will ultimately miscarry. The "bleeding" is not red, its more of the rusty brown stuff, and its really found only if I go searching for it.

Moving through the stages of grief...Anger...I am solidly there. Denial...there too. I "wonder" if perhaps this wasn't a twin pregnancy, and that maybe one baby is FINE. After all I ovulated on CD 15, and my beta was at 15 dpo. At 15 dpo the average beta is 59, and mine was 80. Of course today I am at 20 dpo, and the lowest a "healthy" beta should be is 111 and I am at 101. Acceptance...I will be there once the bleeding starts. I actually wish it would hurry up.

That is what is going to be the worst part. I won't know where I will be or what I will be doing when it shows up. I could be sleeping. I could be at work. I could be sitting in traffic in the car.

I wish I had waited. They told me NOT to test until yesterday with a home test. Had there not been so many signs pointing that this cycle was different. Oh who am I kidding...I would have tested anyway.

I probably won't be back until the "real" miscarriage starts. Or on Saturday when I have my follow up HCG drawn. Right now I am going to go have a glass of wine, and yet another good cry...

Very Concerned...

2008-04-13T13:13:00.004-04:00

I have been paranoid about this moment since I found out I was pregnant. Today it came true...I am bleeding. I am petrified. The doctor says come in tomorrow as planned. The benefit of being so early pregnant that they can't do anything for you even if you are hemorrhaging.

So at 2:30 I woke up to go to the bathroom as usual. Usual. How funny is that. How we become accustom to something so quickly. At any rate. I noted that my breasts seemed to hurt more they ever have, and that made me smile. I was also starving. So I came down stairs and made me some strawberry milk. After all babies need milk right?

At 6 the cycle repeated itself. I was hungry and I had to pee. Now, I have a habit of wiping twice. A little OCD perhaps, but its mine. The first wipe was fine. The second there was reddish blood in CM. Maybe the size of a quarter? My heart began to pound. I tried to go back to bed, but I couldn't I was hot, and nervous. So I came down stairs and got a bottle of water.

Over the course of the next hour I must have forced myself to use the bathroom a dozen times. It was then that I noticed that nothing was reaching the liner I had in...yet. Around 8 I noticed 3 dime sized spots on the liner, and that I was cramping. Of course I have been cramping since the Wed before I knew I was pregnant. Since Jake was still sleeping I decided to go to Foodland on the sly. I had to wait for 5 minutes until the opened but as soon as they did I went to the feminine hygiene isle. I picked up a bottle of Tylenol, and a package of Always over nights.

As soon as I got home I headed back to the bathroom, and sure enough Jake is awake and wants to know where I have been. I told him I needed Tylenol, and he asked if I was OK. I lied and told him yes. After all we were due at his parents house in 1 hour. We went to his parents, and I immediately went to the bathroom. No spotting. What a relief. I went 2 more times while we were there. Each time the TP was clear.

When we got home straight to the bathroom I went again. All clear, again. I was starting to relax. Still I decided it was nap time. Almost immediately I feel into what would become a restful sleep. For two hours I slept blissfully. When I woke up though it was back to the bathroom...

In the bathroom when I wiped I discovered brown water discharge again. My breasts don't seem to hurt at all today, and my uterus not so hard. I am still hungry, but that could be a defense mechanism...

I was so naive. I figured with a progesterone level of 147 that I would not have to worry about spotting. With a beta of 80, maybe...but not a progesterone level that high. All the nurse marveled over it. Yet here I am today worried about my blood work tomorrow. Wondering if I should take a full day off of work. Wondering if I will make it to my ultrasound in 2-3 weeks. Wondering if my baby that should be turning from blastolyst to embryo today is still there. Wondering if I will ever carry a baby to term.

Yes, I am very concerned...and now the tears are going to fall.

I Think I Believe It Now!

2008-04-12T05:38:00.003-04:00

My very smart sister suggested I get a digital test since they test at a higher level. Well this morning at 5:30 I dipped a THIRD stick in the cup, and here is what happened...

The word came up I swear in SECONDS. When I ejected the stick both the LH and HCG lines were thick and dark. I have one more to take...but I am pretty sure I know what the results will be.

As for Sara, who happens to be spending the night...her mom told her I have a baby in my belly and here is what she thinks:

How many babies am I having? "One"
What kind of baby will it be? "Girl"
What are we going to name her? "Ashley"
Who is is going to bring her to us? "Santa"

I hope she doesn't come with a bow...imagine the paper cuts that would leave...

I Think It's Darker...

2008-04-11T17:47:00.003-04:00

I think it got darker...don't you?

Someone asked if my dates are wrong. No, April 8th was Tuesday...originally I had my ovulation day as Monday after Easter...but then realized that was impossible based on the time of my trigger. The earliest I would have ovulated was 10 p.m. that Monday, or as late as 2 a.m. on Tuesday. Which makes more sense for having a beta of 80 on Wednesday of this week (April 9th).

Everyone Knows...

2008-04-11T10:37:00.004-04:00

I don't know how this happened. I had always said when we got pregnant we would NOT tell anyone until 12 weeks. Yet here I sit, SLIGHTLY crampy (nothing like before) with 2 home tests that are positive, one blood test positive and everyone knows! It happened by accident really...

See, we have 1 car. Yup, we live in the stone age. Fred goes the quarry with the Flintmobile leaving poor Wilma home with no way of transporation. Ussually this works well, I have to be at work by 8, Jake by 7:30. I get done at 4:30, he gets done at 4. So I go in at 7, he waits after 4. We save on gas, insurance and only have one car payment. For the most part when I want to go somewhere I just go. There is no quibbling we just do it...yeah...in a perfect world...

On Wednesday of this week however our perfect world got more perfect...but Jake had an appointment, I had an appointment and neither one of us coudl miss it. I suppose I could have waited till Thursday for my blood work...but really I didn't want too. So I had to rely on good old mom and dad.

"Mom can I borrow your car tommorrow? I need to go to Wexford for blood work."

"Why? Do things look good?" I sigh..."Yes they look really good" She pauses "well how good?" I just let it cross my lips "Well I took a home test this morning and I am pregnant" One person...no big deal. Yeah right...she tells my dad. Dad watches my nephew that afternoon. "Did your sister call you with the news?" She tells her fiance...and so it goes, and so it goes. Heck even my parents next door neighbor knows.

Last night Jake took me to dinner at Don Pablo's. YUM. "I can't wait to tell my parents" He announces. "Can't we wait a little longer? Like till after my ultrasound?" I ask innocently. "I don't want too. Why? Do you think something is wrong? What's wrong?" "Nothing's wrong Jake, I just am nervous..." Guess where we went after dinner last night?

Of course as soon as we arrive on the porch I have too use the bathroom. When I come down stairs Jake is standing there grinning and all eyes are on me. Did I grow two heads? Am I sprouting horns? "Mom, Susan's pregnant" Just like that...the cat was not only out of the bag, but was chasing a mouse around the corner...no getting the cat back in the bag now...

I took another home test today...it's still +, and I think darker...Jake thinks its the same. Either way I know my HCG is above 50. On Monday I get more blood work done. I will be 5 weeks 1 day. It should still be a secret...but EVERYONE knows.

I need reassurance...I know that once you see a heart beat you have a 9 in 10 chance of delivering a child. After 12 weeks probably a 99% change. Yet what do you do in the mean time when your baby is the size of a grain of rice, and is making all of his/her parts and no one can tell you for sure if everything is OK? Someone give me the odds...someone tell me that this will have a happy ending...someone tell me that yes we were insane for telling anyone...that in the end it won't matter...please...

Normal?

2008-04-10T08:45:00.004-04:00

I am 4wks 4 days today.

My sister has freaked me out that my beta is too low. It was 80 at 4w3d. I ovulated on CD 15, and even the week day count is based on a 14 day ovulation. She said when she had hers done that her numbers were always 16K or higher...but that certainly coudln't be that early right? So now I am paniced about that.

On the flip side of the coin I checked my P4 numbers, and NORMAL or should I say average is 20. Mine was 147 without LP support other than my Ovidrel injection. Further exploaration says to completely disregard beta numbers for its the progesterone that will determine if a pregnancy at this early date will progress or not.

Then I worry because I really don't have many symptoms. I don't have the metalic taste in my mouth that so many women decry. Sore bbs are fleeting, and even at that they are really not sore...more heavy when I remove my bra. Same with those blue veins, or the darkening of the aereolas...nadda. Cramping like AF is coming, oh yeah I got that.

Out of habit I still take my BBT. It climbed to 98.7 today. That is an all time hight. I am still waking in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, and last night, or should I say this morning was no exception. I am also finding that I am starving at odd hours. Along with the need to use the bathroom I was also so hungry that I had to get back out of bed and get a granola bar, but even that wasn't satiating.

Every time I go to the bathroom I still check for blood. I suppose I will continue to do that long after we get visual confirmation that there is actually a baby(ies) in there. Especially if I am still cramping. At least I am past the point where I check my cervix 3 times a day. I didn't check it at all yesterday, and only once so far today...

Yea...I am far from normal...

I did some searching and found my FAVORITE HCG level chart yet. Rather than base it on weeks, this bases it on DPO. Well it looks like I am NORMAL! I was 15 dpo the day of my HPT, and 16 dpo the day of my blood test...what do you all think?

Average Range of HcG Levels
Pregnant women will vary in levels of HcG within their body at different times. But HcG levels once beginning to build should not fall. A dramatic decline in HcG levels indicates that a miscarriage is taking place. The chart below gives an average range of mIU/ml of HcG in pregnant women from days 10 - 22 past ovulation (DPO). Please note that in multi births HcG levels are much higher.

10 DPO: 10 - 50 mIU/ml HcG
13 DPO: 20 - 100 mIU/ml HcG
16 DPO: 40 - 200 mIU/ml HcG
19 DPO: 80 - 400 mIU/ml HcG
22 DPO: 160 - 800 mIU/ml HcG

Drum Roll Please

2008-04-09T15:56:00.002-04:00

BETA @ 4wks 3 days is 80

Progesterone is 147

Next beta next Wednesday.

Nurse is please! I am too!

Tylenol Take Me Away!

2008-04-09T11:04:00.002-04:00

4w3d. Can you believe it? I swear I only go to the bathroom to check for blood. Even if its just a drop that comes out I am in the bathroom. I wonder if I will ever give that habit up? I remember "laughing" at my sister during her 2nd and 3rd trimesters when she still insisted on white TP for that very occasion. Now here I am studying the TP as if it holds the mysteries of the universe.

I had my blood work done today. The lab tech/nurse--yes this office does double duty was so sweet. She said I threw her off yesterday because they have never had anyone test their trigger away before. Oh I am sure you have, but they just didn't admit it. I told her that I have been doing this for long enough that I know exactly what day the trigger/booster should be gone...and that if after that I get a BFP then its real. It was then that she started talking to me like a pregnant woman! "You will come up once a week for blood work. We are going to monitor your HCG, thats the pregnancy hormone you know, and your progesterone" I couldn't help but supress a smile when she gave me an "education" Then she said "At between 7-8 weeks we will have you and your support person come in for an ultrasound. It will be transvaginal. I will do it, and at that time we will be able to see, but not hear a heart beat" It was then that I became paniced.

Heart beats? 8 week ultrasounds? Weekly blood work? My head is spinning. Lets confirm this pregnancy before we start making plans for a little over 3 weeks from now ok. Of course I couldn't help but leave with a smile on my face! She really thinks I am pregnant!

When I got to work I realized I was STARVING. Of course I was starving at 12:30 a.m. too but refused to get out of bed. This starvation has since lead to a headache...and despite wanting to work through it, I decided that Tylenol was going to be my best friend. Especially since lunch which is normally in 15 minutes has been pushed back an hour since I am working late. I think I need to pack some snacks...

The Test Photo...

2008-04-08T18:53:00.002-04:00

According to www.peeonastick.com These have a sensitivity of 50!

Was Sara Right?

2008-04-08T07:12:00.006-04:00

This morning at 6:15 a.m. the unthinkable happened. I dipped an Accu Clear into a cup of urine and got a BFP! Immediately I began to scream "OMG I'M PREGNANT" As I opened the door and saw J's face I could see it was as white as a ghost. I showed him the test. YES ITS PINK he agreed.

I swear I thought for sure today AF was going to be here. Heck, I have felt that way since Wednesday. I have been crampy...not light little "was that a cramp?" No, I am talking CRAMPS like my uterus is trying to come out of my abdomen Alien style.

My temperature was, is? Still 98.4 It hasn't budged. My bbs vacilate between sore and not. J says my belly is firmer. My cervix which was really my first clue seems to have turned backwards on its self. ussually you can feel the neck, and the opening, but mine seems to be hiding.

I just can't believe that Dr. K told us IVF was the ONLY way to go! That we had been trying for too long. That maybe it was time to give up, and to think that I almost did! To think that with one change of a doctor...one doctor that I am pregnant! To think that we added one med to the protocal, and actually shh---had SEX--that we got pregnant!

10 years folks...10 years! Never ever give up hope...because you just never know what is right around the corner!

Its been a BUSY morning! I called the endocronologists office. Dr. T had told me to call as SOON as I knew I was pregnant! So they want to see me on April 14th @ 10 a.m. This bumped up from June 16th @ 2:40. They asked for blood work, so I then called the RE's office. I told her I was late, and that I had tested BFN on Thursday. She said "well we don't like for people to test until 16 days post trigger." I said "I understand, but on Thursday and Friday (I fibbed) I tested BFN. "Well in that case, come on in for blood work" How rude.

Of course NOW my mind spins and says "what if its a false BFP?" Yeah yeah, I know...silliness...but that is just how my mind works.

We Made It!

2008-04-07T08:44:00.004-04:00

We have made it to 14 days post ovulation! There is no blood (yet). There are cramps, but there have been since Wednesday. There are sore firm (.) (.) but not so sore that I am aware of them during the day. They are very heavy when I remove my bra at night. We also have constipation. Which by far is the most annoying. No wait, the most annoying is the waking in the middle of the night to use the bathroom because otherwise my bladder will explode. My fear is...I am not pregnant, but I will never be able to sleep through the night again for my bladder has opted to stretch its self out of shape.

Providing things stay the status quo, then my intent as of right this moment is to test tomorrow morning. I say that now, but my resolve may dwindle. Not because I don't want to know, but because I fear disappointing J. He is contained, but he is excited. Never before has he asked me if I having MS yet, or if I am spotting. So my biggest fear from this is two fold actually. Not that I am not pregnant, that I can deal with. No, my two fears are A. I will go to the bathroom today and there will be blood and I will have to tell J that no I am not pregnant or B. I will POAS tomorrow morning and I will have to tell J that no, I am not pregnant.

Man, who knew this would be so hard! Apparently my horoscope does...

Scorpio

Quickie:
Today gives you a rare combination of positive feedback, confidence and coincidence.

Overview:
It's hard to let go, but today makes it even harder. Unfortunately, there is someone or something that needs to move on and the sooner you release your grasp, the sooner things will be back to normal.

4 Times...And...Before I forget...

2008-04-06T07:37:00.004-04:00

That is how many times between 9 p.m. and 7:30 a.m. that I had to get up to use the bathroom last night. Have I mentioned I am only 33 and to have bladder issues at this stage of my life is rather odd? Temperature this morning is 98.4! FF tells me that my average LP is 12 days. Something I already knew.

Last night J said he thinks I have an 83.8% chance of pulling a BFP, but that I have to wait till Tuesday before he will "allow" me to POAS. He certainly is the voice of reason. I did good, I didn't check my cervix today. I know she is there, I know I have one...but why keep poking at her you know? After all from what I read...pregnant cervix tend to bleed when poked at...so enough of that already.

48 hours...thats when I will pee on my final stick. If its + HOLY CRAP BATMAN was this not the most exciting 2ww ever. If its negative...the HOLY CRAP BATMAN was this not the worst 2ww ever, and btw...I am 15 dpo so where the freak is George? I warned you all yesterday to call WPIC...but you wouldn't. SO you have to suffer through it folks.

Ok, and Kami...thanks for the suggestion...but after peeing 4 times last night...I think I would turn yellow and explode if I tried to hold it for 2 days :)

Oh and then before I forget...

Our lawn ornament has been sold. Within 1 hour of my Cr@igs l/st post I had 20 people email regarding it. Within 4 hours I had someone who said they would be here on Saturday. At 3 p.m. after helping DH push "her" out of our muddy driveway AKA the swamp she was on a car dolly heading North to Grove City. About 3 hours later J tells me the phone rings. Its the new owner. He just wanted to let him know...he got the car started, and that his daughter loves it. Yeah...go me...

Is She? Or Isn't She?

2008-04-05T07:59:00.003-04:00

I thought AF had come last night. I checked my cervix before going to bed. She was still soft, high and hard to find. Actually she no longer has a neck. However when I was done TMI ALERT my finger was covered in blood. I immediately broke down. I emailed my friend to let her know that AF had arrived at 11 dpo...that there would be zero need for me to test. It was over. I even took 3 Tylenol PM in the hopes that passing out would make things all the better.

At 4:30 with bladder full I woke up. "How cruel is this?" I wanted to ask out loud...but I didn't want to wake a still "ignorant" J. Slowly I trudged to the bathroom and flipped on the light. There was NOTHING there. When I wiped there was maybe a spot. Not pink, but not red, but not brown. It just was.

This morning I woke expecting a 97.9 to let me know that the preamble was just a glint of things to come. Instead I pulled a rather consistent 98.4. Would it have been higher had I not been under the influence of Tylenol? Maybe, maybe now.

What I do know...is I am not counting myself out or in just yet. Perhaps poking at myself made me bleed. Perhaps in 2 days at 14 dpo the flood gates will open. Perhaps this is Gods way of teaching me something. Perhaps its time you call call Western Psych and request a good old 48 hour hold for me...yes...maybe...

Cleaning Out The Cobwebs...

2008-04-04T08:30:00.002-04:00

We are house hunting. Originally we were going to wait until we returned from Boston in Aug to begin the great safari, but Aug now becaame April. So far we are 0-2. Our first attempt yeiled a no show. We showed up, the realitor didn't. J called yesterday and was told "you were to be there at 5" Uhm that is impossible because we don't even hit terafirma till 5. He told them NO, we said 6-7. Then he was told he needd to call a different phone number to re-establish an appointment and that only yielded voice mail. So yesterday we tried again at a different abode...only the keys wouldn't work. After 25 minutes and 2 phone calls laser we told the girl we were leaving. Something tells me we aren't to move...

We are also second car shopping. J's car is a lawn ornament. It has a fantastic body and interior but just won't start any more. So I want to put it on Craigslist. $300 you tow its yours. He however is a little more than attatched to his baby. Even so we have started looking for a second car for me. My ideal fun car would be a 1990 something Dodge Neon. Yet for some reason in Pittsburgh those are as difficult to come by as a sunny day. We so very much don't want a second car payment...especially if we are moving...so it has to be a second hand but RELIABLE vehical and that is also proving difficult. I am of course picky and don't wish to settle. Jake for example found me a very sturdy 2000 Malibu. Well I don't want a Malibu. I want a Neon. So the search continues.

Lastly I have made it to cycle day 26. I wish I had been temping for my entire cycle instead of just the last 6. For today my termperature at 11 dpo went to 98.6 Now don't get excited. It's done this before only to plummet the next day. The only reason I wish I had temped the whole time was so that I have a cover line, and a full picture. J is still hopeful and asked if I was going to test this weekend. I am still checking for any pink on the TP, and doing a twice daily check in the shower. My cervix it seems is still soft, and can be opened with a finger tip...which is really icky. I know if you have given birth you are always open a finger tip width...but I wonder if the same is true of simply being dialated for laps, and D&C? Either way...this is still a first. The girls are no larger than before, and only slightly agravated if provoked. No cramping to speak off on a regular basis. Yesterday I swear I was suffering from PMS given my moody outburst followed by a crying jag. So I am ready for anything...I think...

Trigger Is Gone...

2008-04-03T07:43:00.004-04:00

Since my friend gladly donated an unused brand new First Response Early test the other day I felt compelled to use it...the other day. It was about 5:10ish in the evening, and I had used the bathroom at 4. I was honestly hoping for a BFN...just so that I would stop torturing myself and would wait until next Monday like the RE suggested. Of course it was an immediate and pink BFP. So yesterday, being the complete glutton for punishment that I am took my 9 days post ovulatory self down to Rite Aid.

There I purchased a 2 pack of Answer Early. Heck for $10 you can't go wrong. Again I was expecting a BFN immediately. Heck, I wasn't even holding the goods. I went to the bathroom, stick in pocket as soon as I felt the urge. Once again immediate though fainter pink BFP. Now I was getting frustrated. The line wasn't dark enough where Jacob would actually be able to view it, but it was there with no squinting. Sigh. It was then that I put stick number 2 in my purse and decided I would use it this morning with FMU. After all I would be 6 days post booster, and 10 days post ovulation. At this point if it were the same color or darker I would know I was actually the *P* word.

So once again at 4:30 like clock work I am awake. I trudge to the bathroom and remember that I am supposed to test. Well the urgency was there so I used a cup to catch the goods. I then ripped into the remaining pregnancy test and dipped it for the requisit amount of mintues...and then I waited. The line of urine traveled across the area where the first line should be...NOTHING. The line crossed the control...immediate pink. So I put the test back in its foil case and put it away. I would check it later I decided. After all I am only checking for the remains of a trigger shot.

At 6:00 the alarm shrieks and I roll over in search of my thermometer. Still nice and "high" By high I mean 98.4 two days ago it was 98.2 when "George" is coming it will be 97.7 to 97.9 I had to potty again. Didn't I just do this an hour and a half ago? So with Jacob in the shower I sat on the pot and pulled out my test. Still negative...

So now I wait. I am 10 days post ovulation...AF could reasonably show any where between now and 6 days from now according to past history. Of course I am still holding out a tiny bit of hope that she stays away until December...but with the end of the trigger so are the end of my symptoms...so I am not as sure about that as I once was...but at least I know if AF comes...the seemingly LONGEST cycle in my life is coming to an end...after all didn't my last AF come when dinosaurs roamed the Earth?

So As I Was Saying...

2008-04-02T09:41:00.003-04:00

Its hump day. Thank God! Work has been a nightmare. It's a giant balloon waiting to burst. I know this is the eye of the storm and come June we will be so board that we will be fighting each other for medical records to label. I kid you not. In the mean time I reserve the right to complain from December through May about how much work stinks.

My body continues to do what it wants to do. Part of me wishes to rush to CVS, Rite Aid, or Eckard at lunch just so I can purchase a 2 pack of HPT's. You know for an emergency that may occur here at work. Ah yes, a peeing emergency. In ones desk there should always be the following: A can of soup, a tampax product, a breath mint, a couple dollars in change and of course a pregnancy test. You know like I said for emergencies.

I don't remember when I went to bed last night. I decided to take a bath. Not too hot "just in case" but warm enough to envelope me while I read a book. After that there wasn't much on TV so I curled up cocoon like and fell asleep. Once again I woke between 4 and 4:30 but refused to get out of bed to potty until almost 5. Even Jacob is used to this ritual because when I came back he was holding my side of the blankets up so I could climb back under without any adjustments.

Today I am tired. Tonight we are looking at a new house. Tomorrow it will be back to work and I will be 10 dpo for what ever that is worth....

Fools Rush In...

2008-04-01T19:10:00.006-04:00

Today is April 1st, no fooling. Gladly there were no whoopie cushions on my chair, joy buzzer hand shakes, or snake filled tins of peanut brittle. No, it was just an ordinary spring like day. We had the threat of rain followed by sun. Relatively warm temperatures, and crowded streets.

My mood has shifted which leads me to believe that PMS is approaching. I was beginning to allow myself some hope that we had achieved pregnancy. OHSS had seemingly returned. My breasts while not always, were for the most part tender. So much so that even though I am only 4 days post ovidrel trigger that I needed to test just to see what the line would look like today.

I half was hoping for a BFN. Something to tell me the trigger was gone, but I know from experience that it takes me 6 days for it to leave. So if I were to take another tomorrow it would be almost negative, and by Thursday completely so. Yet here I rushed on a Tuesday in April to dip a stick just to see two lines. Boy, am I the fool.

This morning at 4:30 yet again my bladder was full. I garnered some form of hope from this as I had gone to bed at 11, and am usually still able to sleep through the night. Even though I woke with what could be my 4 day prior to AF headache I tried to brush that off as a remnant from the argument I had with Jacob the night before. I even was stoic and turned down even Tylenol until it threatened to really ruin my day. Of course once I took those two little white pills not only did my aching head disappear, but so did my breasts and ovaries.

I gained some hope this afternoon as I stood behind my desk when my abdomen lurched. That familiar pain form my ovaries, but then I realized no its just cramps. My breasts have returned to their flaccid 33 year old beings. No amount of pressing, pulling or poking now makes them sing. Even my abdomen that was rock hard this morning from residual fluid is now returning to its original size.

Still rushing home this evening, I just had to use that stick. I just had to see it turn pink and oh how it granted my wish. Of course now I feel even more dejected. For then I stood on the scale and realized my weight now ends in a 3. In one cycle I have managed to gain all that I lost, plus 2 since Christmas. I have been in to much pain to go to the gym...and since I just knew I was pregnant no food was off limits.

I suppose the jokes on me...8 days post ovulation...PMS on its way...maybe we will have better luck in May...

Imaginary Symptoms...

2008-03-31T12:20:00.003-04:00

Yesterday my symptoms had all but disapeared. No amount of poking, prodding, pushing or begging could make my breasts elicite a response. Taking my temperature however gave me something to do, and I pulled a consistant 98.6 regardless of time of day. Yup, a perfectly normal living breathing human being temperature. Imagine that. My abdomen however seemed perfectly normal. I was able to zip my favorite pair of jeans in anticipation of dinner at Don Pablo's. I had decided that my fate was sealed 5/6 days post ovulation, 7 days post trigger, and 1 day post booster. After all no one could feel as normal as me, and possibly be pregnant.

That was then...

This morning at 4:30 I woke up with a painfully full bladder. I poked the girls a little bit and got no response. So I grumbled my way to bed after sitting in the bathroom for what seemed like an inexplicably long period of time and promptly fell back asleep. When the alarm sounded 1.5 hours later I stumbled out of bed begrudgingly. After all Monday's are the least fun of my days at work...

In my office M popped her head in "How are you feeling today?" She is all smiles. I told her "normal" No cramping, no sore bbs, no nothing to indicate massive ovulation took place a week ago. She frowned quickly but recovered with a smile "Well you find out on Thursday don't you?" Boy don't I wish...but nope.

It wasn't until an hour later when I needed to use the ladies room that I realized my abdomen hurt. Ouch, there it was again. Not quite cramps. No, not cramps but more the ovaries crying out. Hmm...thats curious. Do I feel bloated too? Yes surely I do. Ok, now this is where creativity comes into play. How does one push on their boobs when people are milling their way up the hall outside of ones office? Ah yes that old "give yourself a hug trick" Hmm, maybe a little sore but nothing major. No wait...if I push THIS WAY yup...they hurt a lot now!

Hmm, now I have heart burn. Darn English muffins. Wait...English Muffins give you heart burn? No never have they done that before. Curious. Heart burn...and look now I have a dull headache...wait let me push on the boobs...ah darn they don't hurt as much...but I am still bloated.

So yes...this is how my day is going...imagining symptoms, that now along with the above include utter exhaustion. Curious since even if I am pregnant the embryo has only been implanted for a nano second and is still the size of a speck on a clover...

Surely They Gest...

2008-03-30T06:23:00.003-04:00

Yesterday morning found me arising bright and early. The alarm clock startling me out of the most contended of sleeps. I was anxious to arrive at Dr. T's office. I couldn't wait as a matter of fact. After all I would soon learn if I ovulated, and if so how high my progesterone level was thus perpetuating hope for the next week that I am actually pregnant.

"Mia Farrow" seemed to be in a mood of sorts. Surprising since was usually the most jovial of the lot. She "explained" that they were checking progesterone and prolactin with this test, and that they don't call with the results. I asked "why?" Her answer kind of made me mad. "Because the results don't change your protocol since you aren't taking any meds except your booster shot today. This information just tells the doctor if anything needs to be changed for next month" Uhm ok, so you have already decided I am not pregnant? She did try to back pedal here..."also don't test for pregnancy for 16 more days because your booster is the hormone that the pregnancy test detects" Gee, thanks for that explanation. I have after all never gone through this before. So she pulled out the calendar and told me that I can take a home test on April 13th, OR that I can come in on the 14th and have a beta done if I wish. However WHEN (notice not if) my period starts I am to call the office right away.

My cycle started March 10th. I looked through old ff charts of mine...my shortest LP with injectables was 9 days! My longest is 13. I know for a fact from previous experience that this brand of trigger (Ovidrel is out of my system after 6 days). So it will be GONE by Friday. By Friday I will be in theory I will be 11 dpo. Still to early to test...but certainly it won't be by next Sunday...IF not WHEN AF should show. I have one HPT in the house thanks to a friend who "donated" it to the cause. So the plan is to POAS next Sunday. IF its positive,and I am not talking "if I squint I can see a line" then I will do as instructed and wait 1 week and test again. If its BFN then I will just wait...that seems like a rational plan doesn't it?

As for symptoms...well they are starting to subside. If pushed my nipples hurt...but that could be from my pushing, poking, and pulling them so much. My ovaries are still "crampy" but nothing like before. So while I am still holding out hope I will admit its not that blind "I got pregnant this month for sure" hope that I had when we started...but at least I am not counting myself out completely yet like Mia has.

I forget...

2008-03-28T07:14:00.004-04:00

I am trying hard to remember how I felt with previous trigger shots. How many days post ovulation the "pain" stopped. If my breasts hurt immediately after, and if so for how long. Was I bloated? Those kind of things. Yet I can't. It's like I am a newbie and this is my first experience with anything related to artificial reproduction. Not that being a newbie is a bad thing. You have nothing to compare anything too, and thus every twinge is hopeful.

Anyway...tomorrow I go for my blood work to confirm ovulation. You know...I wonder how many times they have to tell someone "I'm sorry, but you just didn't ovulate this month" I am not talking in a natural we will start Provera if you didn't kind of way...but someone on meds who just didn't do it. After all there is no magic equation that insures ovulation...after all if there were we wouldn't end up with cysts now would we? I am not thinking that is the case for me. At least I hope its not. No...don't put that out there. Positive thoughts. Positive thoughts. Positive thoughts.

In 10 days we will know for sure if the eggies hatched, fertilized and implanted..and of course then as is human nature I will forget again. Human nature makes you or else the human race would cease to exist. And when we do confirm a pregnancy, and confirm a due date (December 15th of 2008) we already know how we are going to tell the masses...

MakeACreeper.com

It will be Christmas in April I declare...

Surreal...

2008-03-27T07:31:00.002-04:00

I have no idea how many days past ovulation I am! Ok, let me think for a second...triggered on Sunday...ovulation either Monday or Tuesday...so we are looking at it being Thursday...so either 3 dpo or 2 dpo. Hmf. Surreal. Time seems to be moving in slow motion! I remember back to the days when I first started on this roller coaster. Not the Clomid days, those were stupid experiments destined for failure. No, I am talking the days when I would take the elevator to the third floor of the Jones Institute and extend my arm for blood letting.

I was hopeful, but yet I had no hope. Does that make sense? It was almost as if I entered each cycle counting the days till the next one. Oh sure I was dilligent in making sure I the Follistim entered my body, and that the progesterone suppository was placed just so. Yet I don't think I ever entered a 2ww with "knowledge" that "hey this worked" That sounds so bizare as I type out the words doesn't it? I can't put my finger on it now, but in all seriousness it was true. Even that mishapped cycle in September/October I had little hope. Heck, I don't think I even ovulated.

Yet now here I sit, KNOWING I ovulated. Yesterday Jake said I feel like a furnace that is how much heat I am radiating. This is new. I have never had to strip down to nothing to sleep in March in Western Pennsylvania! For "kicks" I took my temperature today. I was HOPING for a 98.2 just enough to indicate that I was above my normal 97.9 yet I pulled down a 98.6! I slept naked with a window open for goodness sake! My nipples hurt and if I push so do my breasts...and I am NOT on any progesterone supplimentation! 5 days post trigger shot too folks!

If you could see me you would think I won the lottery. I have no idea if I am actually that *p* word...but at the same time I just know that I am. Its surreal to be this happy without the benefit of knowing...

2 Week Wait...

2008-03-25T12:18:00.002-04:00

Well its official. My ovaries are telling me that I ovulated and the way they are telling me lets me know that it was more than 1! My stomach is bloated, and I am "cramping" but its all worth it.

Of course I "tested" yesterday to make sure my trigger had been done correctly. As if injecting ones stomach with a prefilled syringe can go wrong. Still, I had one lone pregnancy test in the house. In my dresser drawer to be specific, and I just had to watch it turn double lined pink. It scared me at first because the urine washed across the window and NOTHING happened in the test line. I mean nothing. It was wet, but nothing appeared. The control line came up as the urine continued to its final destination but still nothing. When it did finally start to develop it was faint. So faint that I really began to think that perhaps I did do the trigger incorrectly. As the urine dried however the line became darker, and even Jacob couldn't deny its existance had this been taken at 14 dpo instead of O day.

The moral is that I won't be buying a First Response Rapid Result. Heck I may not buy anything at all. Of course I say that now...but in two weeks we all know that I will be on the left side of rational.

22 Hours and Counting...

2008-03-24T08:24:00.003-04:00

Yesterday at this time I was heading to church. Knowing that when I got home I would be injecting Ovidrel into my overly tender belly. This prophecy came to pass 22 hours ago. Now according to the pamphlet, the doctors office, and the internet ovulation should occur between 24 and 36 hours. Well I am waiting...

I feel bloating, but no "pain". I put pain in quotes because with previous expriences that is what I was in...pain, and it was a lot sooner than even the 24 hour mark. So I sit here and wait...and wait some more.

I am still pumped up by the post coital test on Saturday, and encouraged because I got my post HCG migraine yesterday during Easter dinner. Of course that made for one cranky kiddo...but everyone was understanding.

Hopefully in the next 10 hours or so I will feel something...anything...please....

Excellent...

2008-03-22T20:40:00.002-04:00

I closed my blog yesterday. Partly out of narcissistic motives, and partly out of sheer frustration when the doctors office didn't call. But in the end I think it was a smart move. I originally password protected the blog so only those I knew could read. Yet even then the comments weren't coming in daily so I still don't know who exactly is reading up on the most intimate details of my life. Obviously no one has noticed since no one has emailed wondering why they can't get in. So this was a good choice I think. Yet one day I may re-open it, I may not. Instead I will keep it primarily as my diary to myself. A way to go back and reflect on what is/was going on during any certain 24 hour time period.

At any rate, the title of today's post is curious isn't it? Well today was our post coital test. Here I am on CD 13 and uncomfortable. Yet at 6:30 a.m. we were instructed to have intercourse. Boy did I have performance anxiety. How do you make an intimate moment intimate when you know that in two hours you have to be at the doctors office naked from the waste down while they suck out the product of intercourse from my va-jay-jay.

With the deed done I once again headed North. My blood was taken, and then I was escorted to room 2. The lab tech/nurse was the one who performed both tests. She seemed to have a little difficulty getting the speculum set, but after a few fumbles it was in. While performing the test she actually engaged in small talk. I loved it. She wanted to know how late my doctor was yesterday (the one I work for), and if I won the bet that he would go till 8 p.m. I did not. He was done at 5:30! Then she was done. She told me to get dressed and that she would be back with the results.

After pulling my jeans back on I grabbed a magazine and waited. Moments later she returned and declared the results "EXCELLENT" I must have given her a look because she said "You know excellent. You can't get any better than that" I was still shell shocked. She said we had great mucus, swimming sperm and LOTS OF IT. I can't believe it. I had honestly expected her to come in the room and say "Im sorry but you should really do IUI this cycle" I think even now at 9 p.m. that I am shell shocked. I immediately called Jacob and told him the good news. I asked if he was pleased with himself and he said NO because you are pleased with me and that is enough. How sweet.

So tomorrow, Easter Sunday I trigger at 9 p.m. then on Saturday I return to Wexford for a P4 (progesterone) test, and will also inject a booster shot of HCG for good measure. Oh, and we have 5 follicles ready to go.

Thanks be to God.

Good Friday

2008-03-21T09:55:00.002-04:00

John 3:16

For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whom ever believes in him shall have eternal life.

Have a happy and blessed Easter!! Normal blogging shall commence on Monday.

How is your day?

2008-03-20T10:36:00.004-04:00

When we re-entered the infertility treatment arena we did so with great trepedition. I knowing that IVF would ultimately be where I was headed, and Jacob with great fear that "this too won't work" Yet we trudged along accordingly. I did my research, or so I thought. I picked a clinic that I thought would be most well rounded. Yet I feel like Indiana Jones while he was hunting the Holy Grail.

Today I am on CD 11, and I am just now having my second ultrasound. Daily blood work mind you, but only my second ultrasound. Now Jacob wasn't able to attend with me, and one of the ladies here at work was curious and wanted to see what a follicle covered ovary looks like. So I asked if I could have a copy. I was TOLD by the tech that it is agains policy. "Now if you were pregnant that would be different, but I don't want to waste anybody's time. Get em' in and get em back out to work is my policy. Now if you get pregnant then your husband can attend, but until then no" It wasn't the answer that gives me the rub, but that she was so insolent about it. Then when I asked how things looked she said "You need to be quiet I am trying to concentrate" Excuse me, it is me laying on the table with a wand up my va jay jay, I have every right to ask questions. Even when she began multiple measurements she wouldn't tell me how things looked. At the end I said "do I have anything there?" She said "You ahve PCOS so you have 15-30 follicles on each ovary" I am aware I have PCOS, but how about actual follicles NOT cysts that will never go away?

Perhaps I am spoiled, but I have high expectations and they are far from being met. We read all the time if we are unhappy with our physicians to follow our guts. Well, I am unhappy...and while I hate to change physicians again...I think that perhaps its time to get away from small clinics and go with a cattle call of one. Somewhere like U---P----M---C M--a--g--e--e Heck they are close by, they are owned and run by my employer...and lord knows its a heck of a lot easier to walk a few blocks than drive 22+ miles daily just to be annoyed....

DAILY UPDATE FOR THOSE STILL READING

The nurse called. I have an E2 level that rose to 269. I forget yesterdays, but hey its rising, I am happy. My E2 is hanging at 2.1 which is fabulous! Then I asked about follicles. "You have 5, but they aren't mature yet" I understand that. I am only on CD 11, and we started out low and slow. So I am sure ovulation will occur a little later than anticipated. But gee, isn't it funny...I go from "nothing" to five. Hmf.

Education...

2008-03-19T09:03:00.004-04:00

I arrived begrudginly at the doctors lab this morning. The lab tech/nurse was the same person I have had all week. She commented that I didn't seem to be having a good morning. I told her I was a little upset with my blood work. She asked why? It had increased. I seriously thought she was kidding. Well heck, our outdoor temperature increased by 2 degrees from yesterday but that doesn't mean I am going to open the pool and dive in. She waited a moment before pricking me today as I told her I KNOW that E2 MUST be 200 to equal a mature egg, and she smiled.

She told me that while that is partially true, its not acurate. In a NORMAL cycle when ONE EGG is produced the number is AROUND 200, but that in a stimulated cycle you CAN NOT rely on that number. She said I have seen women with E2 of 500 who have ZERO follicles! Proceeding on she told me that I have PCOS...DUH, so the doctor purposely started me out low and slow so as not to over stimulate me on CD 10 and that if he hadn't already he would be increasing my meds. Which he did yesterday. Given that she said we are looking for a number today of no less than 150-160. I was at 122 yesterday so I believe that is possible.

Finally before the poke she said it is also a myth that you MUST ovulate on or around CD 14. She said that they have had a few cases where triggering didn't occure until CYCLE DAY 21 and that they have had successful pregnancies as a result. Of course they don't want you to go that long, but you can if you need too.

As memory serves for me...I believe the longest I went with Dr. K was CD 16, thus giving us ovulation CD 18. The only difference is...he was a lot closer to work, and the gas prices weren't $3.27 a gallon. So my HOPE is that the higher dose of Follistim does the trick and I am ready to go say on Monday...but if not at least I know my ovaries aren't going to harden and the eggs hard boil...well not until menopause anyway...and with a FSH level of below 10...I unfortunately am far from there...

Here we go loopdy loo! So the one time I decide to go and get myself a drink from the gift shop...thus walking through the steel encased stair well Christy calls. My phone immediately upon exiting from said stairwell starts playing the strains of the Addams Family. I pushed 1 with great trepidition. Early phone calls are scary for me! Bottom line...I am to stay on the same dose of Follistim for tonight 175 units! BUT...I am to add the Ganirelix. Did you know it goes intto he belly? Do you know how much that will hurt? Do you realize I am insane...thought so...but please...keep reading.

Deflated...

2008-03-18T14:54:00.002-04:00

Perhaps Sara is right. Perhaps it will be closer to 8 weeks after all. Or perhaps I am spinning my wheels. I know fullfillment can be found without children, so why do I keep heading North every day for a 7:30 arrival only to have my hopes dashed come 2:30? Yesterday I was hopeful. My numbers after 5 days of injections doubled nicely. My body did exactly what it was supposed to do. I came to work today with a smile on my face. Everything was going swimmingly. Then the call came in...

Your number is only 122. Increase your dose to 175 units. Come in tomorrow for more blood work.

I am on CD 9....6 days of injections ranging from 100-125 units, and I have an E2 of 122. Something tells me there won't be any eggs in my Easter basket this year.

You have GOT to be KIDDING ME!

2008-03-17T14:01:00.002-04:00

Dr. T's office is trying to kill me I have decided. With Dr. K's office things were predictable. 7:15 blood work and ultrasound on days 3, 6, 9, and if needed CD 12. Phone call to follow between the hours of 12:30 and 2 at the latest. I like predictability. I also liked not having to drive 25 miles to and from the doctors office just to be poked for the umpteenth time in 3 days...but I digress. I am sorry. Please continue reading, and please understand I am hanging on by a thread, but there is a giant hand above it holding the scissors.

So...at 1:15 p.m. when my cell phone began sounding out the chords of the Cheers Theme I was a bit shocked to say the least. When I answered the phone I expected Christy. I expected bad news. After all why would she be calling so early? Yes I have these dillusions...but over all I am relatively normal...I think. Anyway...quit distracting me.

It wasn't Christy at all. Instead it was Liane. She was the original nurse I met when I first sought Dr. Tippets assistance. Let me just say...each of the phone nurses seems to have this in common...in person they are friendly, and happy, and even a bit over interested. Yet on the phone they seem to sprout horns and breathe fire, and Liane was no exception.

She informed me that my LH was now 3.1 Now excuse me...but I was at 7.3 on Wednesday of last week. How does one drop 4.2 points in 5 days when the LH should be increasing the closer we get to ovulation? If anyone has any insight I would be thrilled with an answer. My E2 however has mroe than doubled, and is now over 100 after 5 days of stimmulation! It is now 112, and according to the chart after 5 days should be over 100.

Oh, and I have to go back up tomorrow morning. Same time...same place...same channel. For what you ask? Oh well I need yet more blood work. I think at this point I would gladly accept them putting in a heprin lock...it might be easier for all involved...

So Anyway...

2008-03-17T09:45:00.002-04:00

Back to the numbers game we go. I guess for the preservation of my sanity...what little is left of it anway, I really should stop asking for my numbers. I knew on Saturday that my numbers weren't what they wanted them to be, because they upped my doseage. That should have sufficed but nope not for me. It kind of like picking at a scab...you know it may hurt, and you know it may bleed but you just can't help yourself.

"Mia" kind of caught herself as she told me my latest E2. "Its 51" she said almost with an audible grimace. Then she quickly flipped the sheet to see what my CD 3 numbers were. "Well look at that, it doubled. We want to see it double. Oh and look today we do an LH check" Talk about trying to change the subject. As I sat there and watched her draw blood from an already sore vein I racked my brain trying to remember my numbers of previous cycles and it seems to me that at this juncture I was already over 80.

Of course when I arrived at my office I immediately went to find a chart with numbers on them. At this point I would accept any numbers. Speed limits, legal drinking age, median age at marriage. Anything with numbers that would tell me that 51 isn't bad. Of course that ment I had too find an E2 graph, which was easier said than done. Three google searches later I was successful.

Estradiol (E2) Day 4-5 of meds 100+ pg/ml or 2x Day 3 There are no charts showing E2 levels during stimulation since there is a wide variation depending on how many follicles are being produced and their size. Most doctors will consider any increase in E2 a positive sign, but others use a formula of either 100 pg/ml after 4 days of stims, or a doubling in E2 from the level taken on cycle day 3.

So I doubled but I am not at 100, but also I wasn't at 4 days of stims till Sunday. I just started them on Wednesday so I was only 3 days out. Perhaps this means that all is well? I just don't know what to think. "Mia" seemed torn...YES we have doubling...but OH your only at 51. Sigh.

It's funny because I have been convincing myself that I could feel my L ovary, but with an E2 of 51 that is obviously my wild imagination. Sara has also changed her prediction. No longer is the baby going to get in my belly in 5 weeks. She says now...maybe 8. At least we can rest assured we won't be selling her talents to the Enquirer...

It All A Numbers Game...

2008-03-15T09:16:00.007-04:00

Fertility and pregnancy all come down to where the numbers of certain tests fall. Be them a range for blood work, or the crown to rump measurement of a growing embryo (or is it a fetus by that point?). Sometimes these numbers give us great joy, and other times those same numbers can give us and those who we have invited into our lives great sorrow. What is worse is when one gets the numbers they hoped for, and another gets devastating news.

If you would please go see Babe and give her your support. Like me she had some testing done both last week and this week, and while mine are looking up hers sadly are not. Perhaps after you read her story you will be able to say "Ah but wait this happened to me and it didn't end that way" Or perhaps you have a similar story and can give her some insight on how to make the pain go away. Keep her and her family in your prayers as the move forth through the journey of the unknown.

It hard for me too feel helpless for her, and yet still thinking so positively for me. Yet, as we all know through our own disappointments and set backs our own cycles don't stop when someone else gets devastating news. So while I wish I didn't have any news, I have some regarding my own numbers game.

Today I went for my CD 6 blood work. I was the first person into the office. In this regard I LOVE the office. There is no need to make an appointment for blood work. You show up, you sign in and are then taken back in the order in which you have arrived. Once again it was Vampira's day to do the deed. She kind of reminds me of Mia Farrow pre pixie cut while staring in Rosemary's Baby. Odd isn't it too be trying to become pregnant and the lab tech looks like that. Anyway...I am getting myself off track. She took me back to the lab chair that I have become so involved with and "strapped" me down. I asked her if she knew my labs from the other day. She said she did and then disappeared. When she came back she handed me a piece of paper with the information written on it.

"If I were cycling I would want to know as well" She said with a smile as she grabbed the needle that she had difficulty poking me with at our first juncture. I was so pleased with her doing up my numbers that I didn't even ask for a butterfly. Instead I tried not to flinch as she poked me...knowing that I will wind up with a bruise this time.

She wrote on the paper that my E2 was 24. My FSH was 4.9 and my Lh was 7.3 I asked her if that was normal? Seeing as no one has ever explained what my CD 3 numbers have been or what they should be.

E2 she explained should be below 50. If its higher than that you very likely won't respond to stimulation and won't cycle. I checked on the internet, and found that below 50 is ideal, but that anything under 80 is cycleable and that the closer to 25 that you are the better you will respond! Can't get much closer 25 without being spot on I suppose.

FSH should be below 10, and again the lower the better. This was confirmed also by my internet source. I have no idea what my FSH levels were at Dr. Kauma's, but I am feeling confident with a number like that.

LH should be below 7. However having PCOS we know that I always have elevated LH levels. Hence why OPK's rarely work for me! I relayed this to Vampira, but she said a 7.3 isn't really that high, and that I should expect no problems from it. She then went on to tell me that on Monday they will start checking my LH again to make sure I don't prematurely ovulate, and that I will likely start my Ganirelix on that day. I thanked her then and wished her a happy weekend. I left the office and rode the elevator down to the first floor. Part of me cheering because I KNOW with the surgery fixing my problems, and the doctor checking more than my E2 levels (Dr. Kauma never did an LH number!) that I am going to become pregnant. If not this cycle then surely within the 3 we have allotted.

I don't anticipate a call regarding todays numbers until Monday. Christy said only to expect a call if there was a drastic change in my protocal. So on Monday I will get my CD 6, and CD 8 numbers at the same time. I periodically feel twinges in my ovaries, and some tell tale bloating. Yet other times I think its just my imagination, and wanting to know that everything going swimmingly...but as we know all to well...even when things are swimming along nicely all it takes is a change in one number to take you from the top of the world to the bottom of the heap again...

Well I wouldn't call this a dramatic change in protocol...but I got a call none the less. of course I didn't hear my cell phone ring so I didn't actually get to speak to a person. Instead I heard the voice mail "This is Dr. Tippets office, please increase your Follistim by 25 units and we will see you on Monday for more blood work" So I can't help but think that perhaps I am not responding as well as they would like? But then I am only on CD 6, and day 4 of stimulation. I need too chill...

Another One?

2008-03-13T07:36:00.004-04:00

If I could live in the world that my sleeping mind creates I would be one happy person. Minus of course the dreams where I am driving too fast or I am in a plane that suddenly enters in to a spin, but I digress. My favorite dreams by far are the ones where I am a momma, and last nights was no exception. At first I gave it no creedence other than my mind being in baby mode...until that is I told Jake about it...

On our bed there is a baby girl. She has dark hair, not an overabundence, but that new born hair that is soft and lays close to the crown.

She is still wearing her hospital t-shirt.

You know the kind. The ones with the long sleeves and the mittens.

I hear Jacob in the bathroom. I look at the baby and know she is mine but I don't know her name. I can't remember my own baby's name. Gently I wrap her in a blanket and snuggle her close. I take her to the bathroom where Jacob is shaving.

"I can't remember the baby's name" I tell him.

"We named her Melissa" He tells me without missing a beat.

"Melissa? I didn't want to name her Melissa, I wanted to call her Elizabeth"

He just shrugs.

I slowly decend the steps with my daughter and see my mother in law

clipping coupons on the couch. My father in law watching television from the love seat.

"Can you take her?" I ask

"Sure" she says, putting down the sissors and the paper.

"Her daddy and I need to take a shower"

End of the dream.

Innocuous right? Everyone dreams of "normal" life...though I don't know if forgetting your childs name is normal, but hey it was my dream. Then I tell Jacob about it. Now we at times have talked about names but when it came too a girls name it was always agreed. She would be called Elizabeth Suzanne (the reverse basically of my names). We have never deviated, or so I thought. When I told him her name he says "are you kidding me?" Uhm nope...the dream was vivid and felt real. He says to me "I have always thought if we had a baby that perhaps you would change your mind and we could call her Melissa"

OOH GROSS...A Meeting of the Cobalts...and how many eggs for Easter?

2008-03-12T09:32:00.004-04:00

That certainly was a BIG long title wasn't it? Gosh.

So today as we all know, since we can count and because I told you is cycle day 3. On this "monumental day" hubby and I had to get up and drive an hour north so I could be wanded. We arrived at the office at 7:15 only too find its halls darkened. Jacob "yelled" at me as I flipped the switch, thus shedding some much needed light on the situation. Then we waited. Promptly at 7:30 the office lights flipped on, and the lock popped letting the three of us in the hall know that we were now allowed to enter. Shortly after inscribing my name on the sign in sheet the lab tech called me back. After she drew my blood in a highly unconventional way I asked if the ultrasound tech was in? "Not yet, but when she arrives you're first" Great...this is something else I miss about Dr. Kauma's office. If your appointment was at 7:30 you could show up at 7:15 and if the ultrasound tech was ahead of schedule you could be taken back. Not here however...she didn't waltz in until 7:40, and that was only because she thought she had an 8 a.m. appointment. Apparently Christy forgot to tell her that I was going to be there early.

Ok, so I strip naked for the ultrasound and so it begins. In the middle of it, I felt the tell tale warmth. I knew what was happening, but was in a prone position and to be honest there is no way to stop it. When she was done she not only had to wash the wand that YES was covered with a sheath, but also the table, the floor, and the step up too the table with antibiotic/antibacterial cleanser. I was so embarressed. Hopefully the next time I have to appear Aunt Flo has heeded my advice and is headed to someone elses house...someone on the pill who is expecting her...not someone who wants to be pregnant!

The meeting of the Cobalts. I got too meet a fellow blogger last night, her name is Kathy, and we drive the same car...well she has the 4 door sedan, and I have the 2 door coupe Sport...but its the same car dang it. If you click her name you will be taken to her blog which happily has changed from infertility following miscarriage too pregnancy! We figured Fuddruckers was a safe bet. Heck it was Tuesday, who would be at Fuddruckers on a Tuesday? Apparently everyone! They pulled a Subway. Tuesday nights are now bargain night. For $6 you get a 1/2 pound slab of meat, fries, and a drink. Talk about a deal! While we waited for our food..one of us longer than the other...sorry Kathy...we chatted and go too know each other. We sat there for at least 2 hours and got caught up on each others comings and goings that aren't nessessarily part of our blogs. I don't know about her, but I can't wait to do it again...and next time I suppose we can bring the husbands.

Lastly Easter Eggs. Out of curiosity I counted 14 days from CD 1, and it happens to fall on Easter Sunday! Now I know that just because its CD 14 that it doesn't mean that is the day I will ovulate, but wouldn't that be fun. On so many levels...the Christian side for Christ rose from the dead after three days--and while my obtaining a pregnancy wouldn't be at the same caliber as that miracle it would run a close second maybe. On the fun this is me level...I think it would be fun when we finally announce the pregnancy to be able to dye some eggs pink and blue and give them in little baskets along with the ultrasound. I know, I know...stop counting those eggs before the hatch!

I will update later when the nurse calls to tell me the dose of my meds, and when too return. I am hoping for Saturday because I don't think that Jacob would be real thrilled with doing this again this week!

UPDATE...FINALLY AFTER 3 P.M. THE NURSE FINALLY CALLS. I AM TOO BEGIN 100 UNITS OF FOLLISTIM TONIGHT. I WILL CONTINUE ON THIS DOSEAGE THROUGH FRIDAY. ON SATURDAY MORNING I GO IN FOR BLOOD WORK. IF ALL IS WELL I SHALL CONTINUE ON THIS DOSEAGE. IF I GET A PHONE CALL WE SHALL CHANGE THE DOSAGE. SUNDAY WILL REMAIN THE SAME AS SATURDAY. ON MONDAY I WILL GO BACK IN FOR ADDITIONAL BLOOD WORK, AND I WILL IMAGINE THAT AT THIS POINT WE WILL ADD MY GANIRELIX. AND YES FOLKS...I WAS HYPER AND PARANOID FOR THOSE HOURS BETWEEN LUNCH AND THE PHONE CALL....

Silly Grins...

2008-03-10T12:36:00.004-04:00

I am wearing the silliest grin right now. You would think that I just got my BFP instead of AF just arriving. I feel like I need to pinch myself to make sure I am not dreaming. Ouch, that hurt so yes this is real.

Aunt Flo, you are welcome too stay for exactly no more than 6 days. I know that doesn't seem like enough time, but believe me after that we will both be sick of each other. I would like to say that I will see you again soon but lets be honest. I really don't like you that much, and your arrival means that once again there is no baby on board. So I will tell you what. You make youself at home. Enjoy the ambience, take in a movie, perhaps a glass or two of wine-you will find the bottle in the refridgerator door next too the Vodka. Then when its time to go, pack up quickly and try to leave your room as you found it...clean and empty--ready for the next guest. Enjoy your stay!

Ok, so now that the old business is out of the way its on to new business. I called the doctors office. Christy answers, but didn't identify herself. So I was pleasantly surprised when I asked to speak to her or leave a message for her that it was she. She was pleasant, and asked me to hold on when I identified my issue. I suppose that perhaps I may have been too hard or harsh on her when I complained about the attitude I perceived the other day. Heck, we all have bad days and the last two times I have had need to chat with her she has ben very amiable.

Meanwhile, after she pulled my chart she said I could come in for my baseline either tomorrow CD 2 or on Wednesday CD 3. I chose CD 3. Only because my boss isn't here today, and I know Jake would not be happy if I told him tonight that we have to drive to Wexford tomorrow. Time wise this works better for all she had too offer me was an 8:45 on Tuesday, or a 7:30 on Wednesday. Given that I will already be late from the drive to Wexford I opted for the earliest time possible, and of course I plan to arrive early enough that maybe just maybe I will still be on time for work.

I also took the opportunity to ask about the administration of the Ganirelix. She said its administered like the Ovidrel. Which means the belly? Am I right? Help me out ladies who have used Ganirelix before. I use my thigh for the Ovidrel simply because of the size of the needle...but I believe that the method of choice is the belly. She also stated that I would start the Ovidrel appx 5 days after the onset of Follistim...so that will be CD 8.

My minds eye makes me grin more, for I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and in the light is a dancing baby. Not the kind from Alli McBeal, but rather a robust little girl who has blond hair, fair skin, and who looks like her daddy who just so happens to be my husband. Oh yes, that makes me grin.

Springing Ahead...

2008-03-09T14:55:00.003-04:00

While part of me is still in old time...waiting for SOMETHING to happen to get this cycle started and too move on. The clocks still sprung ahead an hour, no hold ups there! Let me say, I am excited about the time change. We get more day light, which means that I will no longer be leaving work only to have it be dark an hour later. Plus, spring is just around the corner. Which also means that Rita's Ice will be open! My name is Susan and I have an addiction LOL. Soon too I will be able to begin thinking about opening the swimming pool. Oh yes, springing ahead is the start of a great time of year!

Still in old time however is me waiting for AF. With my last pill of Provera ingested I keep hoping that it will be any moment now, but every trip to the bathroom yields nothing. There are some signs that she is making an attempt at arrival but so far she has not been too eager to move in. Soon she will be here, and soon we can move on which leads me to my next plot point...

There was an article that was stating how the mind can "cure" the body. How many people turn to prayer during illness, and how science is beginning to take notice. It went on to say how patients can convince themselves that they are laying on a beach under the sun. Once their brain patterns change there is a physical change in their temperature. It also was comparing this too making yourself sick, how you can convince yourself that you are going to get a cold, or the flu. So they are testing it in reverse...to heal ones self.

So I plan too put this to the test this cycle. I have already begun. In the past...in old time....I always knew the IUI cycles would be a bust. The only one that wasn't was the first when I had the chemical pregnancy...BUT I just KNEW that it would be a success. So perhaps there is some credence to this theory of mind over matter. Thus, as we spring ahead in time I too am springing ahead. I am visualizing being pregnant. I am visualizing sperm meeting egg(s). I am visualizing me being pregnant. I am positive that since the surgery was successful and since I have tangible proof by way of those photographs that we will become pregnant. I am so convinced that it will work to the point where I KNOW I am going to have twins. I can visualize them in my head.

The skeptical side of me wants to say "of course it may not work" but I am trying hard to keep those thoughts out of my head. So I instead am thinking...its gonna work...its gonna work...its gonna work. Even so, I am not ready to remove my count down ticker for our trip to Cedar Point just yet...but believe me I would rather trade the Millenium Force for bed rest!

Unlike TV Land...

2008-03-07T12:53:00.002-05:00

I was talking to a friend about the infertility roller coaster yesterday, and I said this is like a TV drama that goes on season after season but there is no summer hiatus or benefit of a writers strike. Yet you keep watching not because you like the plot or the characters, but because you just want to know how it ends.

Given that, here is today’s episode…

I took my last Provera pill this morning. Boy was that a HUGE mistake. I usually take them at night, and there are little side effects with the exception of some major exhaustion early the next morning that lasts until the early evening when I can take a cat nap. So I don’t know why I decided to deviate from that path today other than perhaps I was just looking too change things up.

Again, this was to be a huge mistake. While I am not tired, I am however hot. Hot doesn’t even begin to cover it. The bat cave of course can’t get cool enough even when I put the thermostat on 60 degrees and hope for the best. Then there are the gastrointestinal effects, which may or may not be attributed too the Metformin that I took at the same time as the Provera, but since I am blaming all the other side effects on it, this one sounds good too.

Today was also confession day. Appropriate since we are 2 Friday’s away from Easter I suppose. You see today I gave up my secret. I told my sister that my meds have arrived, and told her the same lame joke about there being 10 refills, and if I ended up with more than twins I hoped that my nephew likes having ugly siblings because I will give some away. Her response “Why would he mind? I certainly didn’t” For her second show she said “I hope you have quads. I will drop things on the floor on purpose just to see if you can pick them up” Remind me the next time she asks me to baby sit to say no.

I also told a co-worker whom I affectionately call “mom”. One of her own daughters is my age and lives in New York, so I have unofficially been adopted. She gave me the response that I would love to get from my own mother. Immediate she smiled and said “this one will work” Oh how I hope she is right! She wanted details, when did I have to go back to the doctors? What all will this entail? When will we know that it worked. Oh how I wish I got these responses from my own family!

From my friend Gail she said “I wondered if you would try again.” While I wondered “Why didn’t you ever ask?” After all we often feel like no one is watching our on going drama but ourselves. Then she said “You know the other day Liane said she was praying for you” This can take on many different reasons…but she said she was praying that I was able to become pregnant and have that baby that I always wanted. This is especially touching because no one knew we were ready to jump the fence again.

What is equally astounding to me is that all this time I thought I was alone on the ride. The ups and downs were my own, save a few comments from my readers here and there. Yet in the middle of our latest uphill portion of the ride I looked around and there people were. Perhaps not sitting next too me, but sitting in the cars near me cheering and yelping with each dip and turn that I take.

The on going drama some day will come to an end and like Seinfeld I will know when its time to pull the plug. Because like Seinfeld only I will know when its time to go, and I want to go while I am still on top…

Susan Never Got Too...

2008-03-06T07:51:00.004-05:00

It’s very unusual for someone who wanted children and has them too “get it” but it’s even more so for someone who admittedly never wanted them to understand. So when my friend told me the story that will follow it was hard for me to not start crying:

One of our secretaries as I have mentioned in previous entries is pregnant, the pregnancy of course was very much a surprise. The day that she told us, I put on the mask of perseverance and hid all the emotion that was churning just under the surface. G however saw through it, and as I went back to the bat cave to hide behind the cover of my desk she followed me. The look she gave me was quizzical. I knew that she didn’t understand how I would feel dejected. After all at that moment we weren’t actively TTC, nor at that moment was there going to be another opportunity on the horizon. Yet for me it felt as if Lisle was Charlie and she found the last golden ticket.

I explained to G that it wasn’t that L was pregnant. No, I am thrilled that there will be another soul in the world. For its not the resulting baby that bothers me, but the fact that she gets too announce it. After all she was only 7 weeks along. She had just come from her first and only blood test, and first of what will amount to two ultrasounds. Yet she had the confidence that not being infertile brings. The stick turns blue you are 100% sure you are pregnant and its time too announce it to the world because in 9 months you are bringing a baby home. For me, when I get pregnant I can’t tell anyone in the real world, let alone work! What if it’s the trigger giving me a false positive? What if I miscarry again? What if the doctor says there is a problem? What’s and if’s are too great, and from experience I know what can and does happen. No, for me telling the world will have to wait until what…12? 13? 14 weeks? Or will they find out when my belly gives away the secret that I have been afraid too tell? She nodded in agreement, but the look on her face told me she still thought I was a little selfish.

Then last week, on Tuesday to be precise I was out with the flu. It was on that day that L bound into G’s office with a piece of paper in hand. She laid it on her desk and asked her what she thought. G looked at the paper and saw there were two columns. Written at the top were the labels GIRLS NAMES and BOYS NAMES. She said her immediate thought was “I am glad Susan isn’t here today.” Followed by “I wonder what kind of mood Susan would need to be in to get through this” She said as she looked through the list and commented appropriately that it was then that she was awash with an odd sadness. Then when she handed the list back to Lisle she realized what it was. She said for the first time she realized “It’s unfair because Susan has never gotten to do this”

I have had many friends in real life that I showered affection and interest on during their pregnancies and the babies after. Several were aware of the trips to the GYN, and then the RE’s, and even the miscarriages. Yet even those who went through the struggle of infertility and over came it seemed to have lost understanding once their children were born. Its like infertility is a land you visit, but that you never make home. Yet it took someone who doesn’t know that we are going to be trying again, who never wanted her own babies to understand what it may be like for someone who has never gotten too…

I hope that this cycle is a success. I am actually visualizing the blog I will write when it is. I vacillate between taking a test and when its + taking a photo and letting that speak for its self. Or should I pee in a cup and dip this stick while video taping it for all too share? I may never get too…but you never know, I might…but for now at least I walk around with a fuller heart because there is someone out there who gets it, and that is priceless…

Mail Call!!!

2008-03-04T17:07:00.003-05:00

After a brief moment of panic when we pulled into the drive tonight I finally spied the big box that awaited me. Usually the UPS man would place the box behind the pillar of the porch which is where my eyes immediately looked, but today they just set it in front of the door. It was Jacob who alleviated my panic by drawing my attention there. "Wow, I don't think I have ever gotten a box that big before!" I said to him. I couldn't wait to get it into the house.

I gingerly cut the wire bound paper tape and reviewed the packing label. 5-Garlinex, 2-Ovidrel, 4-300 IU Follistim AQ, 4-900 IU Follistim, 1 Sharps Container, 1 Follistim Pen, and 100 Alcohol pads. Certainly there has to be a mistake I thought. Dr. Kauma never ordered me this many meds! I am used to getting 2-600 IU Follistim AQ and 1 Ovidrel, but no the packing slip matches the contents. Jacob immediately suggested Ebay...and yes, he was kidding of course. My immediate thought was 10 refills, holy cow how many babies does this doctor think I want?

Jacob and I also talked about when to start my Provera last night. He is excited but nervous I think. For at first he said it was up to me, and then he said "I thought you wanted to loose more weight first" I asked why I couldn't have both? TTC and exercise are not mutually exclusive, and since I want to join a water aerobics class that is surely something I can do pregnant. So we decided together that unless there is any spotting that doesn't yield a period that the date shall be....Monday March 10th, with AF arriving approx March 18th, with an ovulation window beginning March 28th, and ending April 2nd. Thus if we are lucky we could be bringing our baby home in either late December or early January.

Of course I am trying to be cautious as well, for I don't want too be accused of counting my eggs before they hatch, fertilize, implant and become a baby...but there I go getting ahead of myself again.

*Oh how my body thinks it knows what is best! Spotting began this evening, and became heavier at the gym. Not AF like...but heavier. So Provera has begun! We move everything up by 1 week, but we will survive!!!

A New Energy...

2008-03-03T13:39:00.003-05:00

I am a wash with an energy that we have seen and felt in Familyoftwo land before. Yet with each pass it feels as new and promising as the first time it was felt. Perhaps I am a bit niave, but I can't help but be jazzed today. I feel that this will be the cycle that works because of everything that could have messed it up along the way! Including a few near misses with the cycle all together!

Let me back up so you get a better view. I had my blood work done on Saturday morning to test for ovulation. The nurse said she would call me with the results today. Well instead of her voice greeting me on the voice mail it was that of my pharmacist instead. Christy had called in my order for my med. At a cost of $95, and only being paid for 60 hours this week I certainly was NOT in a position to whip out the credit card and yell triumphantly CHARGE IT!!! Instead I asked if I could wait until Friday to order them. They said not a problem. Then she informs me that Dr. Tippets office likes to have them shipped to his office directly. I asked if it was possible to send them to me...but she said that would require permission from the office directly. Of course at this juncture a million and one things go through my head...I will have to drive 45 minutes to get meds that I have paid $100 for. $100? That seems right, but what if they ordered extra meds to help those who don't have insurance coverage (my coverage pays for unlimited vials...so for $35 I can in theory get the max dose of Follistim no questions asked). So right away I go off and post this hypothosis for my support group and then sat and waited for responses.

In the middle of that delusion Christy calls to tell me that my blood work showed what we had anticipated. NO OVLATION. Me being me said "See, I told you so" And nurse mean laughed. They sure do keep me guessing over there! She went on to tell me that Dr. Tippet prescribes Provera for 5 days instead of 10, but to be helpful she will call in a script of 15 so if I need them in the future I will already have them! Holy helpful with out being asked Batman. We then discussed where my meds were to be shipped, and she said the only reason they do that is many people need lessons but since I didn't she would tell them to ship them to me. Again, talk about stepping up the game girl friend!

After hanging up with her my phone rings again a few moments later. Not surprising as it has not stopped all day. Its Medmark again. They wanted to let me know that Christy had called them and that they would be shipping my meds out. The last question "Would you like to charge this, or would you like us to bill you?" I almost started to cry...bill me? You mean send me a bill? As in I can send you a check in 2 weeks when I am not 20 hours short in a pay check? Are you serious? *Yes this was an inner monolouge*. "Bill me" I almost shouted. "Mrs. Langer you meds will be overnighted to you this evening. They will be waiting for you tomorrow"

I can't believe it, even as my heart beats out of my chest that we are here again. In under a year that we got to this spot. From no hope without IVF, too a physician who recognized that there was a need to correct a possible problem and who is willing to listen. For the first time in a long time I feel like the sun has come up, and that it is shining with great potential on a new day!

Vampira...KidAPalooza...Other weirdness....

2008-03-01T19:23:00.005-05:00

The alarm screached at 7 a.m., notifying me for the first time in a week that I was required to be somewhere thus my slumber was over. After a quick shower I jumped in to the car and headed North. Normally my trek would have taken me via the Parkway with northern connection on 279, but since one of our bridges was on the verge of collapse they needed to shut down the East Bound Parkway so instead I headed for the turnpike. Oh yes, our tax dollars at work and yet it still cost me $2 to drive 3 exits one way. Oh well, at least there was no co pay.

I arrived at Dr. T's office not quite knowing what to expect. There were more cars in the parking lot than I would have expected on a Saturday at 9 a.m so I anticipated a wait. When I arrived in the office there were three other women, and one man who refused to look at anything but the carpet in the waiting room. Before I could flip open my cell phone to play Pac Man I found myself alone. One woman left, and the two others had already been called back so that it made it my turn.

"Vampira" was the same tech who drew my first labs...remember if you will that she poked me THREE TIMES before getting it right. After she called me back she says "Oh wow, you haven't had a period since February 1st, isn't this exciting? Are you excited?" Uhm, no not really because A. I didn't have a period on February 1st it was actually January 5th (yes I said this) and B. Because the longer it takes for my period to start the longer it is before I can actually try to skip one because I have actually gotten pregnant. Making a lab tech stammer an apology is not only amusing, but also worth the $2 each way to the lab on a Saturday on the Pennsylvania Turn Pike. After she was done I reminded her of our last encounter and requested that we begin with a butterfly needle. She then proceeded to tell me that Christy (nurse mean) had given her some "pointers" on how to secure a sample. Uhm, if memory serves you said you had been doing this for 15 years and you just NOW decided to get some pointers. What have I become involved in? What ever pointers she got I will say that at this juncture she was successful with the first and only stick that I required to give her my vial. At which point she says "You make this almost too easy" Again, not reassuring in the least.

When I got home I changed into play shoes and proceeded to take my niece and nephew to KidAPalooza. Erica (their mom) was also to attend, but due to her own bout with the flu was unable to attend. So it was me, them, and a bizzillion other people who decided to escape the cabin fever days of winter by heading Downtown. I was excited to discover that another childless friend had opted to take her nieces to the event as well. So now not only did Sara have some new playmates, but I had an adult too talk to. Timothy had the thrill of his small life by watching Bob the Builder and Friends sing and dance live. Of course Sara's favorite part were the freebies...which leads us to the last sub plot of my title...Other Weirdness....

As is the case with most convention center shows there are freebies, and this being a "show" for kids you expect no less, but you expect them to be for the children. You know, sign them up for this school because....buy them this mac and cheese because...and there were those sure...but then there was one that was handed to me. As we were leaving I stopped to put everyones coats, hats and gloves back on when this woman walks up to me. She hands me a full size calendar and says to me "You will want this for you and your baby" I said thank you, took it and then looked at it. Expecting it to be something relevant to Timothy who is now 15 months old. Instead it is a memory calendar for your PREGNANCY and babies FIRST THREE MONTHS. When I looked back up to see where she came from she was GONE, and I don't remember seeing a booth geared towards pregnant woman and or infants...Hmm...

Can You Hear Me Now?

2008-02-28T21:10:00.004-05:00

When Jake got home from work we discussed the cycle that will have to be put off. Still, he encouraged me to make my phone call to make sure that we are all on the same page. He also was very sweet and said that we could use our savings if its needed for the meds, and that we would figure out the time off later. For after all we have waited this long, what is another month?

So here is how the conversation went after the nurse, who is the doctors wife called me back.

"Hi Susan this is Christy"

"Hi Christy how are you?"

Please note that I don't really care, but common courtesy dictates that you ask, and then in return be asked just to perpetuate it. Apparently that is a lost art in much of the medical world. Which I should be aware of since I work in the field, but I digress...

"I'm fine. Now according to your chart you are only on CD 28 so I am not sure why you are calling today"

"Well, you have me as having a period on February 1st obviously, but in reality when I called on that day I told you that I was spotting, and that I wanted to know if you wanted me on Provera before my surgery date was schedule. You decided that day that it was unnecessary and went ahead and scheduled my surgery for February 12th." At this point I paused to allow her to recollect and oh I don't know comment maybe...but she didn't so I continued.

"Then when I saw Dr. Tippet on the 21st, he advised me that based on my PRE SURGERY blood work that I was 4 days post ovulation the day of my surgery, and that based on those findings that my period should be starting within 2 days of my post op, but as of yet it has not, and per his instructions I am calling to let you know that today so that I can go on Prover now."

Nurse "Ok, well you will need to come in for blood work so that we can confirm that you haven't ovulated, and if you have that you aren't pregnant"

So I ask if I can come in on Saturday, and she said that was fine, and gave me a time but not before saying to me "We won't have your results till Monday" OK FINE. If my period happens to start before then I guess we will have the answer before your phone call right? And as an added bonus, since I don't freebase cocaine for fun on the weekends if for some strange reason I were to be pregnant there isn't much risk to the fetus in the course of 72 hours.

Then just to find out where she was in the process I said "Do you want to call in my meds now, or do you want to wait till my blood work comes back?"

NO KIDDING THIS IS THE ANSWER "I don't care when we order them. I will have to order them at some point though won't I so I will go ahead and get the ball rolling."

Now in person she is NOT that brash and abrasive. She is the opposite. She is very friendly, approachable, and helpful. So I am beginning to deduce that like one of our former phone triage nurses at my clinic that being a phone nurse is not her cup of tea. And, to be honest its not the phone nurse who I am worried about, but rather the lab techs, and the doctor, and the clinic nurses...and so far they have been great!

YET...on the other hand, I have to question the physician the next time we speak, and to be honest I wish I had at my post op. WHY if pre op blood work indicated a woman who is undergoing a laparascopy, hysteroscopy, and a D&C show she is 4 days post ovulation would you perform those surgeries? I KNOW I didn't ovulate, that is obvious, but if I had you basically precluded me from becoming pregnant if conception took place! So what gives?

So there we are. On Saturday I will pull myself out of bed, and drive the 30 minutes from door to door getting myself poked just to confirm that it will be OK for me to start Provera...again.

I tell you I am all for a good drama, but I much prefer Julia Roberts or Sally Fields in Steel Magnolias to the "This Is Your Life" show that I have been living as of late!

The Cost Of This Bug...

2008-02-28T10:17:00.006-05:00

Last night I reached the peak of my flu bug, and let me tell you that it was everything doctor king had promised. 12 hours of unbridled icky misery.

So today began my first unpaid day off. So when the $132 quarterly water bill arrived with a due date of just after my next pay day, along with the gas bill of $121 I couldn't help but become slightly concerned with being short these two days of pay. Then I compiled the list...and here is what I discovered the flu has cost me. Some of it is funny...

Two days of pay.
Two rolls of Charmin in a twelve hour time frame.
Three nights of rejuvenating sleep, as I am averaging 2-3 hours at a stretch asleep with 2-4 hours awake.
Three pounds. Yes, this is a gift, but I am sure once I start eating again that they will be back in short order.
One $10 co pay to see the doctor
One $20 co pay since Tamiflu is not available in generic
One $4.99 OTC flu "remedy" for both day and night...let me tell you they don't work...I still can't sleep.
Casino night on Friday...there is no way I can be around that much smoke right now...$20 down the drain.

And my personal favorite...which I just realized today. Yet another cycle, or perhaps more of TTC. How? You ask. Well, you see I am out of PTO. I gain 5.5 hours every pay period, which is set up like most, 26 pays a year. This means that I won't have even a 1/2 day off available until March 21st. I won't have gained a full day until April 4th. Dr. Tippets office is 40 minutes away WITHOUT traffic. With traffic it is a minimum of 1 hour each way.

Aside from that, there is the pre paid cost of the prescriptions. $20 for Provera (brand only of course). $20 for Follistim, and $70 for the HCG because Dr. Tippet uses 2 injections of HCG--one for trigger, and one for a booster. Then another $20 for the progesterone for a grand total of $130.

Of course I am going to call the doctor tomorrow. I am going to let them know I have been down with the flu. My hope is that if I take an HPT on Saturday that they will perhaps agree to simply let me go on the pill for a cycle. This will benefit me two fold. It will buy me 28 days, it will reset my hormones, and will only cost me $10.

I tell you...the Democrats say they can cut the cost of health care...which they likely could...but what I don't think anyone realizes is illness costs more than what Blue Cross Blue Shield is able to cover.

I've Got The Flu...

2008-02-27T03:55:00.005-05:00

After much debate, and miserableness I had Jake take me to the doctors last night. I walked in willing to bet my next paycheck that I had bronchitis, or worse pneumonia. Imagine my surprise, despite getting the flu shot in October that I was diagnosed with influenza. Let me just say, I will never call a virus that lasts a day or two the flu again...because this is way worse.

The doctor prescribed Tamiflu, which while it won't cure the flu, it will reduce my symptoms before I hit the peak of the flu. Excuse me I said...this gets worse? Because let me tell you I feel pretty crappy now. Yes, unfortunately its going to get worse before it gets better. Also, you can't go back to work for a few days. They don't want me out of the house till Saturday, and this presents a problem because on Friday I am too have my blood work done so I an start Provera. Talk about timing! Thought I can't help but remember a former co-worker...she had trouble conceiving...got the flu, and once that was over she still didn't feel right...turns our she was pregnant. Also, what really stinks is Gail (3/3) is on vacation starting today, which leave Liane (1/1) to man the fort at work by herself. This can only be a recipe for disastor! Unfortunately also, due to my surgery my PTO bank only has 2 days in it. So I will loose pay for Thursday and Friday, and will be starting back up in March with a 0 PTO bank balance. Ugh. This could not have come at a worse time!

My fever while reduced periodically with Tylenol, Motrin, and Tylenol Flu is still fairly high for the most part. The lowest I have gotten it is 101.5, and the highest last night was 103.6. I swear, every inch of my body hurts, and I can't sleep. Its 4:01, and I have been up since 3. Hopefully once I feel better my sleep pattern will change. In the mean time...I am going to go back and lay in bed, and hope that I don't infect Jacob. Thats all I need...is the two of us to be miserable at the same time for whom would we complain to then?

You're Listening To 102.8 SEL In Pittsburgh...

2008-02-26T06:43:00.002-05:00

Jake tells me that I am worse than a man. Why? Because I am sick, and anyone in proximity knows it. Usually I try to refrain from whining. I can't stand whiners, especially since I work with one. Yet this situation certainly allows it. For you see I either have bronchitis, or I am heading into pneumonia. Great. See, on Friday I am to call Dr. Tippet and start Provera so that we can start ttc again...but let me tell you right now...I think death is a much more suitable option.

It started yesterday. I woke up "not right" by dinner I was coughing...not productively, but I could taste that something was there. Sorry bad visual image. By the time we got home the couch, and me sleeping looked really good. By this time, I was freezing and its not wonder why. My temperature was 102.8 When Jake had pneumonia himself he only got up to 102.5. So last night I alternated between freezing, to being so warm I could feel the heat radiating off my body.

Today I called off. Tomorrow, well that is another day...but if you don't see me for a few days its because I have sealed myself into a bunker...kind of like the boy in the bubble...for the last time I had bronchitis it wasn't pretty...and I hate being sick...because I get whiney, which is evident here...and I hate to whine.

Ugh...

Happy Birthday...

2008-02-24T15:40:00.003-05:00

Today is Jacob's birthday. For my birthday we went to Washington D.C. for his birthday he wanted to go to the Carnegie Science Center so that we could view Bodies the Exhibition. For those who aren't familiar, the exhibit is what it implies, bodies. Speculation is that they were illegally acquired from China, and that they were Chinese prisoners. Odds are that they were given that each body was complete with smokers lung, but to be honest for a moment in medical schools and hospital labs across the country there are cadavers who met with the same fate. They are the unclaimed who were ultimately donated to science.

With that out of the way, after paying out $22 a person we entered into the "main chamber" Under glass we were greeted with a full sized skins of a man. In the center of the room was a full sized body leaning backwards kicking a soccer ball. After viewing the initial specimens it was then that I felt the "energy" in the room. It wasn't the same energy you sense when visiting a funeral home, no, it was something indescribably.

Each area of the exhibit was broken up as a 3D anatomy book. From muscles, to the nervous system, to the skeleton. One of the most interesting portions at this juncture was the blood carrying veins. Each part of the body broken down to its most basic structure. The whole body a strangle of fine thread like fibers that carry life sustaining cells. It was phenomenal.

The last portion of the exhibit, after you view the reproductive system of both the male and female is the exhibit of the unborn. Jake asked if I was sure I wanted to view it, and I did. I thought that it would be painful, but it was far from it. It was amazing. They had embryos and fetuses from 4 weeks gestation to 28 weeks. Jake was amazed at the growth spurt from week 7 to week 12. He also wanted to know when the heart started beating, and discussed the benefits of stem cells as we laid eyes upon a 28 week old with clubed feet, and a cleft pallet. When we left we both said if we didn't want a child before, we certainly want one now. The exhibit was just that powerful.

The whole experience was one that will be lasting. To see anatomy in books is one thing, but to see it in 3D, was just phenomenal. It wasn't my birthday, but it was certainly a day I will remember.

Happy Birthday Baby!

As Anger Sets In...Post Op Report

2008-02-21T21:03:00.009-05:00

A large part of me is thrilled by the fact that I had a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy. A larger part is thrilled that we found things that were wrong. However a very large part of me is angry. Angry that Dr. Kauma not once but twice disregarded my request for this surgery because according to him "It would be diagnostic and since he KNEW he wouldn't find anything there was no point in proceeding" I am no doctor, I have not gone to school for anything remotely related to the study of infertility as it relates to the population at large. However I am a PhD, MD, and Cuma Su Laude when it comes to my own infertility, and my body. Too be disregarded with an air of superiority and too be told that I am simply to sit there and do as I am told is completely discouraging. Thankfully I am not one who gives up without a fight. Especially when my gut is telling me that there is still flavor left in this particular battle!

So...having mounted my horse and having won the war I found myself at my post op.

Here is what we found out:

My ovaries are polycystic. If ever there was any doubt (there wasn't) there never will be again.

I have a fibroid on the top L hand side of the outside of my uterus. I asked the doctor about removal, but he said its harmless and there is a larger risk to remove it via laparoscopy. So there it remains. It will NOT present a problem during pregnancy.

I got 6 endometriosis points. That gave me a final rating of mild-moderate. It has all since been removed.

On my left ovary I had an adhesion that made the uterus and ovary attatch. Gee, does anyone think that could prevent an egg from ovulating from the L side? Or subsequently IF said side did ovulate that it would have difficulty being picked up by the L tube? Hmm...I do, as does the doctor! So every month that I HOPED for the L to be the producing side...it was pointless.

In the uterus its self I had polyps. They could have impeeded implantation, they may not have. They are now GONE.

The ends of my tubes that house the fibrilia (probably the wrong word...but the things that pick up the eggs) look HEALTHY.

Lastly...my tubes are CLEAR. Running blue dye through them proved this. We had spillage from both tubes with NO swelling of the tube (Dr. Kauma diagnosed thinly walled tubes, and blocked R tube).

Oh yes, as soon as the anger subsides I plan to write Dr. Kauma a letter. Not only do I plan too include the photos of my surgery, but also plan to ask him why he has still failed to release my medical record. I firmly believe that the only reason he is failing to do so is because he KNOWS his treatment plan was incorrect, and he could open himself up for liable...but of course that is the conspiritorist in me.

So here is the plan...if AF hasn't started by 2/29 I have to call and go in for blood work to determine if/when to start Provera. Then when AF finally arrives we will plan for injectables with timed intercourse along with post coital test. NOW if the PC is bad, we will do an IUI. If the PC is good, we will do 3 cycles with injectables and timed intercourse. But hopefully...as the doctor said tonight...we hope that with this first shot that I am adding an early ultrasound photo to my collection soon.

Congratulations...and Hurdles...

2008-02-20T08:50:00.003-05:00

I dreamed of pregnancy again last night, but it wasn’t mine. It was a friend that I work with who is menopausal, and another “friend” whom I knew, but couldn’t see who it was. So today when I went through my morning routine of blog reading, I can’t say I was surprised when I checked on “Babe” and discovered that her beta came back positive!

This is the second time in as many months that I have dreamed of pregnancy for others, and it has come true. No, I am not claiming to have my niece’s supposed psychic ability, but it is quite the coincidence. Of course since we are all so in tune with those whom we speak with most often it is not wonder that our minds would wander subconsciously to the upcoming test of another.

I wonder what I will dream about tonight on the eve of my post operative appointment. I really haven’t given the procedure it self much thought since my update on that day. Yet I am keenly aware that it took place every time I glance down and catch site of the fiery scabbed over incision above my hair line. If it weren’t for that visual reminder however I would be hard pressed for proof that it even took place. After all I have no pain, and my belly is pre-surgery size.

The nurse called on Tuesday. She left a message. She wanted to let me know that my pap-smear had come back clear. While her delivery was shockingly cold and almost calculated I was still glad she delivered it. For this is one less hurdle to face over the course of the next 6 months. I can’t help but day dream of all that I have ingested and injected on this haphazard course to parent hood, and wonder if someday fate will deal an even more cutting blow. After all I was prescribed more than the life time max of Clomid, which in theory now increases my risk of cancer. So each year that I get the all clear is one more that I can breathe easy.

Two hurdles down…how many more too go?

Niece or Nostradamus?

2008-02-17T16:05:00.005-05:00

With my brother in law in the hospital again child tending has fallen on my shoulders for the day. Not that I am complaining. Playing Legos, making Bunny Hutch gingerbread houses, and hearing a 14 month old in the back seat trying to figure out language is truly a joy.

At one juncture, while Timothy slept, Sara and I took advantage of the quite and went too the grocery store alone. On our way home while seated at a red light from the back seat comes the following conversation:

Sara: "Aunt Susan when your belly feels better you are going to get a baby in it"

Me: "Who told you that?" I figured that perhaps she had over heard a conversation between her parents.

Sara: "I just know, and it will be in this many weeks" I couldn't see how many fingers she was holding up so I guessed

Me: "In 6 weeks?"

Sara: "No in this many. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 weeks"

Me: "Oh really, 5 weeks. Do you know what kind of baby it will be?"

Sara: "Yes, it will be a girl. Then you will want another one"

Mind you she is 3 1/2 years old, and at this age most children do not have the recall of a verbatim conversation. Yet when I was making dinner I made her tell Jacob what she had told me. She remembered all the important parts...5 weeks, a girl, and that we would want another one. Later, when I took her home I was recounting this information to m sister, who immediately said "We never told her anything Sus" Even as Sara again said "Aunt Susan is going to get a baby in her belly in 5 weeks, and she is going to call her Ashley"

I always said Sara was my favorite of the kids, and if she proves right on this one she will be elevated further. Oh, and if it proves right, I am willing to rent her soothe saying abilities for profit.

OUCH THAT HURTS

2008-02-15T07:30:00.002-05:00

I don't know what the heck I did, but damn it this morning if I didn't think I opened up my bottom incision. My body is set to be awake about 10 minutes before my alarm and since I knew I was coming back to work this morning it was ready. What I was not ready for was to do a "push up" from my mattress. For the past few nights to prevent laying on my tummy I have been sleeping with a pillow held against it. Well at some point last night the pillow moved and I was belly prone.

So the push up came from me reaching under my belly to grab the pillow. OUCH. I immediately dropped back to the mattress. There was burning and pain from the lower incision. OUCH. I took the bandaid off and was relieved too see only mild draining, but not so happy with the pain.

I would say that this more than likely precludes me from hitting the gym tomorrow for even a light work out. Especially since even as I sit behind my desk I am wishing that I was at home. Of course I can't admit this since Jake suggested that I stay home. So instead I will suck it up and hope for the best. After all its Friday and I have 48 more hours to vedge.

In the mean time...UNCLE...UNCLE...I GIVE!

Tomorrow Is Another Day...

2008-02-14T06:54:00.002-05:00

I feel really good today. I slept on my belly last night! When I did that during my nap yesterday the end result was pain. Yet when I woke up this morning I was on my tummy and not in pain. So...tomorrow, without a doubt I will be back to work! Certainly I could have gone back today, but when I mentioned that hypothesis to Jacob last night he over ruled me. There were no recounts, no hanging chads, simply a ruling that I wasn't going.

Both of my incisions look good. My umbilicus is weeping slightly, and "jags" every now and again with some pain but that simply means she is healing. My belly just under my umbilicus has started too bruise. More than likely because I slept on my belly. Its a lovely mixture of green, purple and yellow. All I need now is another pair of mesh panties and I will be styling on this Valentines Day.

Sadly there is much more going on. I may sew the remainder of the quilt today. For really, there is NOTHING on television during the day. The internet only changes so much in a 24 hour period, and frankly my Sims are annoying me. Of course I will quickly retract the following statement, but as of right now I can't wait to go back to work!

Scenes From The OR...

2008-02-12T17:35:00.001-05:00

I lived through my surgery, but yet again God sent me a sign. I am not kidding. Last night the weathermen got it right. Well half right. That snow they called for to come after lunch...well it came at 10 p.m. last night, and when we left this morning at 5 a.m. it was still falling. The roads were horrendous. The roads were so horrendous in fact that I half expected Jake to say too reschedule, but we trudged on. Arriving at UPMC Passavant Cranberry with no time too spare.

The registration process was a breeze and in no time I was following red tape upstairs to the lab, and then taking the elevator to 2 for my EKG. What was great was the fact that Jacob was allowed to accompany me every step of the way. When those tests were complete we were back in the waiting room and within 1 magazine later I was called back to pre-op. This time Jacob did have to wait while I changed into my gowns, and sexy green socks with no slip grip on em', oh and they gave me a really cool sticker disk for the back of my ear. Apparently it wards off nausea and vomiting! From there I went to pre-op, and Jacob once again joined me.

My IV was placed, and minutes later Dr. Tippet arrived to go over the procedure, and the ricks involved. He re-assured me that in 30 years he has never had too transfuse anyone, nor has he had an internal infection. Shortly there after I was told too tell Jacob good bye, and I walked too the OR. I was stripped of my clothing and dignity it felt like, but I didn't care for as soon as my arm was placed in its holder I was out.

The next thing I remember is hearing 4 people "yell" at me "Susan you need to wake up, its over. Come on wake up" Apparently I scared the nurses because I was thrashing around so much. Finally when I was "aware" I asked the girls, if I could lay on my side, and they said yes on my R side only. Immediately I began coughing which set off my pulse ox, but I assured the nurses and the machine that I was ok. I then requested some pain meds, which once I became completely aware were pushed through my IV line. Sweet relief. I then began to be aware that I was bleeding, so they cleaned me up and took care of that. Two words for you: Mesh Underwear. Sexy.

The doctor then came to see me. He told me he removed endometriosis, some extraneous tissue from my uterus, and ran blue dye through my tubes. BOTH tubes are now OPEN!!! The endo is gone, and my uterus is CLEAR! He was very satisfied with my result. He even said when I go see him on the 21st that I can have my pictures! I can't wait to share them.

After that I was moved too recovery 2, but not before needing to use the ladies room. Once again Jacob joined me, and while there I was given something to drink. Since I wasn't light headed, or nauseated and I had voided I was then told when ever I felt ready I could go home. The nurse, Barb, took out my IV, Jake helped me get dressed and a moment later the wheel chair was pushing me back out into the cold.

I have slept much of the day, and used the bathroom even more. After a brief nap when we first got home I had Jake make me some Raman Noodles. Yum. Then a little later in the afternoon I had some cheese. Then for dinner I had mashed potatoes. So much for a light diet to begin with...but this is the kid who ate a turkey sandwich after my last lap/hysteroscopy.

For now I am going to go take my temperature. I need to make sure it doesn't go over a 100, and at last check it was 99.9...but its really warm in the house today.

One More Sleep...

2008-02-11T07:55:00.000-05:00

Does anyone else find it a big disconcerting that in less than 24 hours my abdomen will be filled with C02? Yet today I sit here at work security badge in place, suit on my back, just going through the motions? I find that bizare. Too bad I don't have the blog entries from last year when I had my carpal tunnel done. I would be curious too see if I was this neurotic even then. I certainly don't remember being this neurotic when I had my lap/hysteroscopy 8 years ago that is for sure. Perhaps that is a gift of youth. You feel invincible.

Today between the worry of the weather, we in Pittsburgh are too get 2-4 inches of snow, and Cranberry (Beaver County) where I am having surgery is too get upto 6. THEN as if that isn't enough the temperature is to climb to 35, and instead of snow we are too get freezing rain. That my friends is a bit of history repeating its self. For 8 years ago when I had my surgery I stayed over night. Some how I pulled the short straw and my surgery wasn't scheduled until 3 p.m., so Dr. Barzack decided it best too keep me at the hospital over night. Well the next morning we awoke and there was nothing but ice everywhere. Funny, but last night when I prayed I asked the Lord for a sign that everything would be OK...but really, an ice storm? I don't think thats funny. Or for that matter a sign, but at this point I am grasping at straws.

In the big scheme of things this is minor on the scale of surgeries to have. Perhaps a notch or two higher than my carpal tunnel, but well below say a heart transplant. Still, I can't help but be concerned. Is it because I don't "know" this doctor? Really we haven't formed any kind of "relationship" as of yet. Too him I am just another new patient folder. Too me he is Dr. Kauma's replacement. How do I know he is skilled? Isn't it funny, I will let him prescribe Follistim to help me get pregnant, but I am petrified of the surgery that will potentially allow me to become pregnant. You can deliver my baby--if we get that far, but I am nervous about you putting two small holes in my belly to let me get that far. Oh yes, I am a mess.

Dr. Google doesn't help either. "...while this surgery is minor compared to a laparotomy there can still be catastrophic consequences..." I hate to fly...but I think at this point I would far rather be strapped too the pilots seat, flying over the ocean destination the island occupied by the Oceanic 12 than google one more thing about Laparoscopy.

So here we are folks...1 more sleep. We, Jake and I have to be at the surgical center...which heck this isn't at a hospital with an ICU...so it can't be that bad right? Sorry, Jake and I have to be at the surgical center at 6 a.m. tomorrow. Surgery is scheduled for 7:30 following some blood work to rule out pregnancy...go ahead and laugh, I do. Then I should be home God willing I am guessing by 1. But don't look for an update just then for I imagine it will be a few days before I will be wanting to set the laptop anywhere near my belly.

One more sleep...Less than 24 hours to go...

Cupid Drew Back His Bow...

2008-02-09T19:30:00.000-05:00

It may only be February 9th, but last night was Valentines Day. For me anyway, I can't speak for the rest of the population who celebrates the day of love. In an uncharacteristically romantic move on the part of my husband he decided that since I will be out of commission on the 14th, that we should celebrate last night.

My usual Friday wear of comfy pants and shirt were replaced with a silk blouse, trousers, and high heels. Promptly at 4:30 my chariot picked me up on Desoto Street, and whisked me away too the Spaghetti Warehouse. It is a unique establishment located in the heart of the strip district. It offers three "themed" rooms. You can dine in the Barber Shop, the Bedroom, or in the Trolley room. We were seated in the trolley room next too the most beautiful stained glass I have ever seen, and yes there is a trolley in the middle of the room, and yes you can dine on the trolley as well.

The food was delicious. Warm sour dough bread with garlic butter is brought to the table, and is replenished as needed. Our appetizer could have been a meal in and of its self, and of course our main course was preceded by a lovely house salad. We had so much food, that we ended up bringing 1/2 of each of our meals home. The left overs were scrumptious.

Jake followed up the evening with a massage, which was fantastic. I had no idea that I was holding that much stress in the muscles in my lower back and shoulders, but last night it was found. Today its back, but I am hoping that a hot shower and a really good nights sleep, which has been hard to come by lately will help ease it some.

It it doesn't I can always hit my cupid up for a home grown back rub. Perhaps i can get Cupids arrow to strike twice.

How To Make An American Quilt

2008-02-06T19:43:00.001-05:00

Forest Gump’s momma said “Life is like a box of chocolates you never know what you’re gonna get” Which is true, but since my mom is watching her weight my sisters and I decided instead to make her a life quilt. Boy what an undertaking that has been! Originally I conceived the idea of doing a cross stitch quilt. I bought a program for the computer that changes photos into patterns. I even went as far as stitching one block for it. Well, that’s as far as I got. Then I decided it would be easier if I used ink jet photo fabric because sewing a quilt is far easier than cross stitching one. “Then God laughed” is a line that comes too mind.

Carefully I chose the photos. Picking ones that were so old that they needed to be digitally enhanced and corrected, along with newer ones that give us a glimpse of the next generation. There are wedding photos, 50th anniversary photos-two, to be exact, my sisters and my baby photos, and of course our most recent Christmas portrait. As we pieced the solid colors, prints, and photos together I couldn’t help but be drawn in.

There is the photo of a family reunion. The photo contains great aunts and uncles that I do not know, but also contains my grandmother at 36, my grandfather, my uncle at age 10 and my mother at 6 months. I study the faces, and wonder what they were thinking. My grandmother, by the standards of the day was old too have just given birth a few months before. She looked tired, as if being a new parent again had drained her. My Grandfather with his smiling face looked handsome, and happy to be holding his daughter on his knee, while my uncle seemed to wish to be anywhere but there.

On the day of my parent’s engagement, they looked happy. They had no idea the trials and tribulations that would come. Instead the playful photograph that dots the second block of the third row is playful. Dad in his navy blue suit jacket and mom with her reddish blond hair look hopeful and young. In the fifth photo in the third row time has aged them. They are still smiling, but the playfulness and naïveté of youth along with three kids, and a mortgage later have escaped them. As I look around the blocks, I am keenly aware that they are now the patriarch and matriarch of a family.

The fourth row belongs to us, my sisters and me. Yet someday, we will be the first row, we will be become the holders of the family quilt. I wonder then, as my niece and nephews gaze upon its colored squares if they will be taken back. If they will wonder what we were thinking the day we sat on the couch with both pairs of grand parents for an Easter photo. Or if they will wonder how too make their marriages last for 50 years. For those young children, the oldest the age of my uncle at the family reunion, will someday hold not only the quilt, but a legacy started long ago.

We aren’t rich. We have blood lines to General Custer, but that’s all. We won’t have a legacy like the Kennedy’s or the Rockefellers. No one but family will seek our final resting place as a tourist attraction, but some day someone may gaze on our family quilt and wonder. What was the story behind the blond haired girl in the middle of two brunettes, and what were the people by the lake doing so long ago, and finally what did each of them do with the rest of their lives after the last thread completed the family quilt?

Limbo Lower Now...

2008-02-05T14:17:00.000-05:00

I dislike not having control over things. So this surgery has really got me in a tizzy. Like my worry of morbidity and injury this is something I can not control. I do not like the fact that I am waiting for my pre-op instructions to come in the mail. The doctors office said on Friday that she was sending them, but as of Monday they had yet not arrived in my mail box. I also do not know at what time of day my surgery will be. I don’t know where to report. I don’t even know for certain if they will let me go home that day (the last time they didn’t). They have said they will call me on Friday too advise me of the time, and location of arrival. Yet, all of this uncertainty has released my obsessive compulsive side, and it’s starting to creep into my every day existence.

Yesterday I informed Jake that I planned to make enough lunches/dinners on Sunday night too last us for the entire week. That way he won’t have to worry about cooking for us. This morning Jake asked if I had mailed our house payment yet. I told him no, I was going to do it today along with all the other bills that I had written checks for. Why? Not because they are all due, but because I wanted too make sure that they are done before my surgery. He finally said too me “why are you treating me like I am incompetent? I can handle these things”

At work when I was going over my time off with my boss I made it a point to tell her, ask her really, not to say anything to anyone regarding my surgery. She looked incredulous as she explained that even without my request that she wouldn’t have because its no ones business. Yet I needed to hear that I had that control.

Even AF is playing with my head. First we have red spotting, followed by brown on Friday. By Saturday nothing, and by Sunday we have full flow. Today we have pink when I wipe, and perhaps a tiny bit on the liner. But at least I have confirmation from my endocrinologist that my blood work indicates that while I try to ovulate, I will never ovulate on my own…thus I will never have a natural cycle on my own. At least after this latest science experiment is over I will have regained some amount of control.

I don’t like too limbo. I never have. I am spontaneous, but even in that spontaneity there are a certain number of events that must align so that I can feel in control, but right now they aren’t there and I am feeling it. This is why I like working where I do. At least when I have blood work done I know the very next day that I can come in and check the results. No waiting, no limbo, no OCD.

Yesterday my blood pressure was 102/70, but I guarantee by this time next week that it and I will be higher than a black cat on Halloween night.

A Stumble Down Memory Lane...

2008-02-03T21:27:00.000-05:00

When the thought of a laparoscopy was just a thought it was something that I didn’t blink twice at, but now that my PTO papers are in place and my name is on the calendar for three days of no work and no play I am worried. Irrationally, but worried none the less. All of the what ifs start to play on my mind.

What if I die during surgery? Unlikely I know, but when you have Dr. Google willing to make house calls its quite a possibility. When I had my first done, I had no idea that you could have a lap that suddenly turns into a mid line incision surgery. Nor did I have any idea that organs can be pierced thus causing the bowel too perforate, or the liver to be nicked. Neither of which I really look forward too. If only I could go back…

It was January 2000. We had survived the mythical Y2K bug that wasn’t, and now it was time to get down to business. Mom flew into Hartford from Pittsburgh on Wednesday. My surgery was scheduled for Thursday, and she would be leaving on Sunday. Of course between those two days the weather men were calling for a horrible ice storm, and boy did we get one.

Surgery was scheduled for 3 p.m. on Thursday, and I had to fast from midnight on. As the minutes trickled into hours I was finally in a hospital gown and waiting on a gurney. Dr. Barczak came into pre op and says “we are just waiting for your pregnancy test to come back and then we will begin” The only problem was I hadn’t had a pregnancy test yet. Once that was rectified, and my IV placed the surgery began. Hours later I awoke in the recovery room with an oxygen mask on my face, and my legs “swishing”

I said to the nurse “I think I am going into shock” She asked why, and I told her my legs felt funny. She then assured me that it was normal, after all I was wearing compression wraps that compressed and decompressed at regular intervals. Satisfied with that answer I asked if I could lay on my side because being on my back was painful. I then fell back asleep. Later I was taken too my room, and mom and Jacob were waiting for me. Never have I seen Jake look more relieved. Once I was settled, having gone to the bathroom, and into my bed he crawled up beside me. I was grateful for his presence, but I just wanted to sleep so I told them both to go home.

Later that evening, when ER came on I paged the nurse. I was hungry. The cafeteria was closed, but she some how managed too find me a sandwich. I ate half of it, and quickly fell asleep. The next morning Jake called me bright and early. Connecticut it seemed, or rather the area’s closest to the shore were a blanket of ice, but he was on his way to take me home. I had to eat breakfast they said before I could go, which was not a problem. Even though the doctor said I wouldn’t be hungry I was. Famished was more like it. When I was finished, I dressed in Jacob’s NAVY sweats, and waited for a nurse to bring me my discharge papers.

I was antsy, and they were short of staff, so when Jake came I convinced him to walk me too the nurses station where I signed myself out. A quick ride in the wheel chair later and I was on my way. Our usual 20 minute ride home took almost an hour. Between the ice, and my tender belly Jake took his time. I slept a lot the next two days, but after that I was better. Not 100%, but I was better. It took a good two weeks for me to finally feel “myself” again.

This time…I don’t know what the news will hold. After all I only met this physician once, while Dr. B and I had been through many months of treatment before he wielded a laser inside of me. I am also 10 years older, and hopefully a little wiser since then…so perhaps that is why I am nervous. Its not the fear of the unknown…but the fear of what might be…

Seeing Red...

2008-02-01T11:18:00.000-05:00

Today is cycle day 28, and of course the first day that I failed to wear a liner, and guess what. Yup, that is right. I went to the bathroom, and there she is. RED.

The first time in many moons that she decides to be on time is the most inconvient time. We had this figured out. AF would stay away...because the doc said that based on my CM quality that I didn't ovulate...which I didn't quite believe based on my blood work, but hey I am not the expert in that so we went with it. Provera it would be...but on our schedule. I figured I could hold off on that until the spotting got so bad that I had no other choice. Then I would have 10 days of Provera followed by 3 days with no AF. Thus buying us an additional 2 weeks before we had to call Dr. Tippet to schedule my laparscopy, and another week at minimum before it could be performed.

Ofcourse the best laid plans of mice and men...right? If this is really AF, then I will be done with her by Tuesday of next week. February 5th. Which means that Dr. Tippet will want to perform the laparscopy on February 12th. That is only 11 days away! I am not ready! I have not made plans too be out of commission that quickly. If this is anything like the last, while I will functional the following day, I will still want too sleep. Yet I won't be "me again" for at least a week.

Yes I had hoped a tiny bit that my blood work would come back with a positive beta...but I knew that was highly unlikely. Yet I never thought that AF would come and dash my hopes of a perfect spring schedule...Not that I am complaining...ok so I am...but darn it why can't something go according to my plan for once? Urgh.

*UPDATE*

The doctors wife, who happens to be his nurse manager called me. We have A. Established that I am high needs. B. When I call I don't like to be put on HOLD or TOLD I have an URGENT phone call on the line. C. That I really liked the doctor and his entire staff. I can't quit gushing!

Ok...so with that said...she said that given that I am not having FLOW, that I likely won't have flow. So we are considering this my period. Uhm OK...and that we are scheduling a lap/hysteroscopy for 2/12/08! My post op will be for 2/21. Holy crap! So it looks like instead of celebrating Valentines Day with a night out on the town...I will be celebrating it in bed. So we are moving right along

The Good...The Bad...and the Papsmear

2008-01-31T19:55:00.000-05:00

Well the moment we have all been waiting for...ok, so the moment I have been waiting for. I had my appointment with Dr. Tippet.

The good: There was NO ONE in the waiting room. Which was surprising considering that this doctor specializes in BOTH GYN and Infertility issues. The staff was fabulously friendly, and attentive. They went out of their way too make us feel comfortable.

The bad: The lab nurse. FOUR sticks! FOUR. It took FOUR TIMES for her to get TWO vials of blood! If I draw a ) on the left crook of my arm I will have this :) After the first three sticks I told her she had ONE MORE SHOT. She would need to use a butterfly needle, and if she couldn't get it then I was done. Write me a script and I would take it to my lab at work. Finally the fourth time was the charm, and with butter fly needle impaled in my arm blood finally spurted into the vials. He is running a pregnancy test, p4, and E2

The papsmear: I don't have to the "regular" gyn on Monday because its DONE. He did the smear, and then tested for any bacteria that may be living in the nether regions. The only thing I didn't like was that he didn't "warn" me before doing anything. Which bothered me...but he was thorough, and his bed side manner and attentiveness is amazing. He said that on physical exam everything was NORMAL. WOO HOO

Jacob and I met with him in his consult office prior too the smear and after. We discussed at length my past medical history...which Dr. Kauma STILL hasn't sent over! But Dr. Tippet said I have a great sense of what I have been through. He even questioned Jacob about his "issues" and when we told him what Dr. Kauma had ruled on his morphology and motility, Dr Tippet rolled his eyes. He said that he is not at all concerned about 57% morphology, and 53% motility with a count over 100 million. So that was VERY reassuring.

He went on to say that given that my last lap was in 2000, that I have a 50/50 shot that my endometriosis has returned AND THAT IS THE REASON I DIDN'T GET PREGNANT WITH TREATMENT. His other belief is in LP treatment, and NOT just treating the woman until ovulation and "hoping for the best" after insemination. He WILL do a P4 after ovulation. He WILL prescribe HCG boosters AND Progesterone In Oil. He WILL do beta's before anything is ceased.

I am too cease my Tricor immediately. He said that it is an embryosomething (big clinical name) and that it poisons the embryo from conception. Jacob was very decisive about this...I am not too take it any more. I am also to start prenatal vitamins immediately. I have 6 to try and decide which I like.

Finally...if my pregnancy test is negative, I will start Provera within the next week. Once AF comes I am too call the office and the following Tuesday I am too undergo a laparscopy and hysteroscopy. We will then induce the next cycle, and then...drum roll...we will start back up on Follistim w/HCG, and we will be trying to conceive the old fashioned way...with a few extra needle marks in the belly and thighs. He also said that he is VERY optimistic that with a laparscopy, and a few cycles that I will finally be able to announce my pregnancy. I am guessing about 6 months...but boy or girl will it be worth it!

Are You Feeling Better?

2008-01-30T13:54:00.000-05:00

This is a question you should never ask a woman of reproductive age. Especially when said woman has been married for a little over a year to a dental student, and was on the pill. Never ask this question because you just know the answer that you are going to get is "Did you hear the news?" This was a lesson I learned the hard way today.

Sickness has be swirling around the clinic in one form or another. We have bronchitus, we have sinusitus, we have a stomach virus. So it never occured to me that when one of our new secretaries went home early yesterday with the "flu" that she could actually be pregnant. Silly me. So today when I was standing in the door way of 1/3 and 3/3's office I extended common courtesy "Are you feeling better?" She turns around and smiles and says yes. Then appears to be re-entering the portal of hell, I mean the inner administration offices, but she stops and comes physically into my space.

"Did you hear the news?" She asks.

Immediately my eyes drop to her belly. Is that a paunch?

"Im having a baby. Well in 7 months I am having a baby"

"Oh wow, congratulations!" Those words tripped out of my mouth so easily.

"Well, its scary because we weren't ready. It was a surprise"

What I wanted to say "well lucky you. Perhaps next time you should consider a condom" Instead, I came back to my office, where now I write this post. One day closer I am convinced to AF than I was yesterday. Not quite sure what day post ovulaton I might be...but certainly convinced that enough have gone by for AF to show up soon. I hate having PMS, and I hate being a woman some times. For I know if this was Jacob's secretary telling him that she was pregnant that he would say "and?" then be on his way. No tears, no need for a communal pity party, and for sure no danger of being yelled at on the way home from work just because he is the on in front of me that I can unload on...life is just so not fair.

The Appointment...That Wasn't...

2008-01-29T17:32:00.000-05:00

My old beloved GYN abandoned me for Quatar, but during our last visit together he complained bitterly about the associates that he partnered with. Oh how he wished he hadn't sold his soul and partnered with these two men. They didn't call people from their own homes as he did. They didn't offer Saturday appointment as he did, and even requested that he stop. They didn't, in his opinion offer common courtesy to their patients, and this annoyed Dr. Alonzo. Yet when my appointment reminder card arrived in the mail a few weeks ago I dialed the number reluctantly. I need my annual, and the idea of changing practices again did not thrill me.

My appointment was for today at 4:30. I requested an hour of PTO time and gingerly left my office at 3:30 for the 20 minute walk from my hospital to Magee. I arrived at 3:50, and checked in. At this point no one mentioned that Dr. Chicora had patients (please note the plural) in labor. It wasn't until 4:20 when they were calling in the patient who had been doubly scheduled during my time did they mention to either of us that this was the case. They gave us the option of waiting or rescheduling.

Well how long does delivering a baby usually take? 30 minutes per baby if everything goes well. So I opted to reschedule, at first. Then the more I thought about it, the doctor knew he was on call today, and opted instead too have an all day clinic. Secondly the doctor also knew well before my appointment time that he had women in labor yet didn't bother to have his staff alert me to this fact until 10 minutes before my appointment time. So from the car I called and canceled my rescheduled appointment. I am going to find a new gyn, yet again. Thank God we have Highmark Blue Cross Blueshield insurance because 90% of all physicians in the greater Pittsburgh area participate with our insurance. So guess what I will be doing tomorrow?

I know this sounds like a PMSy out burst, and it probably is...but darn it I expect more out of my doctors office than a one hour wait, only to be told 10 minutes before the appointment that the doctor has other obligations. PMSy for sure, as when I wiped this afternoon I had ewcm streaked with red blood, and now I have the tell tail cramps that say AF will be here on Thursday..."sucker..."

Blood Work...Part 2

2008-01-28T19:48:00.000-05:00

We interrupt the sinus cold of the year to bring you this important update.

I am now on cycle day 24. No spotting. No PMS. No sore boobs, but mando nausea, and this congestion with out fever. Which in case you were wondering in my insane moment I found is a symptom of pregnancy in some women. Yes I will wait while you point and laugh. Yes, yes I know I have a cold, and with copious amounts of Sudafed PE I should eventually be able to breathe on my own. Until there is blood however I can have what ever day dream I want.

The remainder of my blood work came back today. My Hydroxyprogesterone level was back. Just a reminder: On October 16th, cycle day 16 of all ironies my level was: 1150. Due in part I am sure to the progesterone suppositories I was on...BUT my other levels, LH, and FSH did not indicate ovulation. Now my newest set was taken on cycle day 12 and the numbers while at first were confusing now indicate that ovulate DID occur. Especially my progesterone level.

Here is a quick lesson on the levels: Follicular Stage: 12-90, Luteal 35-290

My level on Cycle day 16....was....drum roll please....196 I OVULATED!!!!

So my guess is, without an OPK or benefit of temping I believe that I am 12 days post ovulation. If I ovulated on cycle day 12. Which drum roll please...is as long as my NORMAL LP.

I plan to take this up with my GYN tomorrow. "Hello my name is Susan, pleased to meet you...now tell me doc did I ovulate?" Instead of prescribing birth control he may prescribe a weeks long stay in Western Psych...but hey, "To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe." Anatole France

Of course now that I shared that...I expect AF to arrive in full force oh tomorrow, or Thursday just to say "sucker..."

I Think I'm Dying...

2008-01-27T12:39:00.000-05:00

I seem to have a tummy bug, despite my flu shot. Along with an added bonus of a terrible sinus cold. All I need now is cramps and AF then I will officially have the trifecta going. Blah.

So what else has gone on this weekend? Well I was asked to make a diaper cake for my sister. I made out a list of what I would require. Yet, she insisted that I "tag along" to make sure she got the proper items. How difficult is it to pick up diapers, toys, a few binkies etc? Especially when you are a parent yourself and know what a new born requires to survive their first few weeks on this rock we call the Earth? I did surprisingly well. I walked the isles placing the items in the cart, and for the first time ever I didn't stop too think "When I have my baby..." These moments are coming more and more frequently for me.

Its odd, but I can remember as far back as when my older sister Erica was pregnant with my first nephew how when I would shop for her I would secretly "shop" for me too. Never did I put the items in my cart, but I would always decide what our baby would have. Especially since I was only 23 at the time, and had this delusion that the second I really tried that I would become pregnant. Even as the words infertility entered my vocabulary I still didn't believe that the road would be long. After all Clomid was the miracle drug, and after 5 little pills I would be pregnant...right? Oh how I wouldn't go back to those days if you paid me.

Instead I came home built the cake, and was glad that it came out ok. No tears, no wonder lust, no "what ifs" It was just what it was...

If you will now excuse me, I am going back to dying. I will be back with a "real" post after my doctors appointments this week. Thursday being the big one!!!

Password Protection...

2008-01-25T16:03:00.000-05:00

Coming Monday this blog will be password protected.

If you would like to be included on the list I need you too email me.

Familyoftwo98@gmail.com

That is the only way I can add you to my readership list. Its a pain I know. I am sorry. This will allow me to start posting photos of my family, and too use names dates and places more freely.

Thanks for the understanding and continued readership.

*For those who post under annonymous, you will need to "delurk" to be added

New RE...VS Old RE...Smack Down..

2008-01-24T12:30:00.001-05:00

Old RE --0--

New RE --1--

I got a phone call today from old RE's office. I was so frustrated with them that they no longer have courtesy from me to have a name. Ok, that is mean. I will be adult about this. Dr. K's office called to tell me that it would be $50 to have my medical record released AND that if I wanted a copy for myself that I would be required to make my own. Now, knowing HIPPA as I do, I know that if you want a copy for yourself that YES they can charge a REASONABLE copy fee, but that if you are requesting direct transfer to a different physician then the charge is a big fat 0. So I called new RE's office and asked their advice.

New RE's office, who I cancelled one appointment with completely, and then rescheduled with two other times said "don't worry about it we will call that office and get this taken care of." I gave them my phone number at work, and proceeded to go sulk too my co worker regarding Dr.K's lack of compassion. We then got busy and I moved on.

After lunch however the phone rings. Its the new RE's NURSE. Yes, the NURSE. She wanted to let me know that my record had been faxed because she called and told them what she needed. I then asked if I could ask a question. See, my cycle is "due" (in quotes because we know how that works when you have PCOS) the week that my appoitment is scheduled and I wanted too know if a vag ultrasound was done that day. She said NO. She then asked how many rounds of Follistim I had undergone. I told her 5 total, 3 with IUI, 1 with timed intercourse, and 1 that we didn't trigger with. I then told her that Dr. K refused me a second laparscopy and NEVER had performed a saline ultrasound, and that IVF was my ONLY OPTION.

The nurse said that based on that alone that I am FAR from IVF being the only option! BUT that their cost is more for an IUI given that they can't code things like Dr. K's office did. I will now be responsible for my E2's, and ultrasounds along with my IUI, which he does 2 and they are $500 a cycle. Plus they charge a $250 "maintenance fee" Gulp. I know, expensive given my $300 cost before! But the meds are STILL covered AND I could resubmit those charges to BCBS and get a reimbursement...but I am putting the cart before the horse...

Let me tell you what else she said...she said that before we even DISCUSS IUI/IVF or any additional ovulation induction that a saline ultrasound WILL be performed. A FOURTH HSG will be performed, and lastly since endo was discovered back in 2000 on my only lap that YES a SECOND will be performed. Then and only then will we discuss ovulation induction and IUI. I did forget to ask about ovarian drilling, but I will have that on my list of things too discuss, and of course J will be there with me, and I am sure he will have questions of his own.

I am well aware that even with those tests that IVF may be the ultimate conclusion, and that I am A-OK with. I will just be glad to know that medically all the I's have been dotted, and all the T's will have been crossed before we make a very expensive move to what we know will ultimately be the last step in this journey, but at least we will know that we didn't bypass any simply because I had a physician who was unwilling to wait another 2-3 months by performing a surgery that I know I may need.

Once again it is proven...what a difference a day makes!

19…29…31 Hutt...Hutt...Hutt

2008-01-23T10:05:00.000-05:00

No I am not getting ready for the Super Bowl, I have nothing on Tom Brady. Those double digits equal cycle day or date of an important appointment.

19…Today is cycle day 19. Big deal, nothing monumental is occurring that I can tell. I keep referring to my blood work from 9 days ago, but it is still Greek to me, and all of Dr. Goo gle’s information is based on having those same tests done on CD 3 or CD 21. Not willy nilly on CD 10. So the question remains…have I ovulated? If I did ovulate did DH’s remaining swimmers reach their mark? OOH I had a cramp could that be implantation? Hmm, my boobs may hurt a bit let me poke em’. Hello, you are only on CD 19 even if there was egg + sperm to = fertilization the resulting embryo would be the size of a speck of dust, and unless you are Horton there is no way you would yet be aware of the Who’s existence. Of course that is logical but in the illogical world that is my experience with infertility logic makes the least sense of all so instead I look for anything different at all. Of course when I start spotting that doesn’t become AF I will chalk that up too annovulation and kick myself for not “knowing better” Thank goodness I do not voice this neurosis anywhere but here, for I fear my imminent commitment.

29…That is the date of my annual with the “regular” GYN. There will be no wanding, likely no blood letting, and no talk of FSH, E2, or P4 levels at this appointment. Instead I dread the question “so you don’t have any children. What method of birth control are you using?” I dread this appointment usually as it is, as I have pumped my body full of Clomid, Follistim, HCG, 3 rounds of radioactive dye for HSG’s so I believe that I am tempting fate and that one day instead of getting the all clear card in the mail that instead I am going to get a phone call from the doctor telling me to come back to the office immediately. This go round I dread it even more for my familiar and comfortable GYN has abandoned me for a new practice on a completely different continent. He and I have been through 7 years, 1 miscarriage, and 2 RE’s together. He knew better than to ask what kind of birth control I was on, but was gentle enough to offer a prescription if I needed, no wanted one. Now I have to start all over again. Too answer the questions…10 years infertility, 14 months of Clomid, yes I tried standing on my head and baying at the moon but no that didn’t work either, and yes I know that I am 33 and the biological clock is quickly winding to an end, and yes I blame the fact that I smoked for 5 years, the fact that I am over weight, and the fact that yes I had sex before marriage on my infertility but unless you can fix it stop asking me these questions. Ok, on that not perhaps I do need that sanitarium….

31…finally, is the date of my RE appointment. I don’t know what to expect. I mean I know what to expect, I expect too have the above questions asked and answered yet again only in greater detail and with the potential for tears. Will the outcome be any different? This I do not know. Part of me asks WHY are you doing this again. What can this doctor tell you that Dr. K failed too? You have done the clomid route. You have done the HSG route. You have done the IUI route. IVF is next. You say you have prepared yourself, but is that perhaps the problem? Why if IVF is inevitable do you continue to grasp at straws hoping that this doctor, this doctor whom you have placed sight unseen on a pedestal will tell you anything different than anyone else has? Why does this have to be so hard?

So that is what is going on in my mind folks. Its scary in there isn’t it?

*On a side note, if you wish to continue to read my blog I need you to comment. A co-worker, knowing that our other co-worker and I have blogs has decided to create her own. As such I am going password protected. So if you wish too continue reading just drop a comment so I can add you to the list. Thanks

It Came! It's Here!

2008-01-21T19:21:00.000-05:00

My stay of execution arrived. Talk about a sigh of relief!

As anticipated I was never nor do I plan to be a named perpetrator of any unlawful act be it willful or un willful towards a child. Gee, I could have told them that! Oh wait, I did. I mean really I know the drill, after all I have gone through a home study, a finger printing, and at least 3 criminal back ground checks in the last two year period. Its getting to the point now I am sure that the Pennsylvania State Police likely have my name tagged just for the number that have been run under my name and social security number!

So tomorrow I will have to chase down my boss, make two copies of my original paper work, have one signed and faxed to Lucy in Human Resources. While the second will be added too my clinic file for that "just in case" moment that the state would come in and demand proof. Of course it is my understanding that in the 12 years since 1 of 3 has been employed at the clinic that the state has come in oh...never. So I would say my chances of needing to supply the paper at a moments notice is about a slim as me becoming spontaneously pregnant with triplets spawn from aliens...but just in case it happens I am prepared.

Heck, maybe 2008 won't be so bad after all...

Weight A Minute!

2008-01-18T10:45:00.001-05:00

This link opened my eyes, and mouth as my jaw dropped and fell to the floor. Thank goodness for carpeting or else I would have bruises and brush burns on my delicate chin.

http://www.healthcentral.com/cholesterol/home-body-fat-test-2774-143.html

Here is what I found out about me. I was over shooting what I wanted, ney needed to loose in order to be healthy.

When I plugged in my figures here is what it determined. FYI, this is based on the "pinch" test that many gyms such as C u r v e s use. This one simply bases the precentage from specific measurements of the body.

33% total body fat. Optimal for a caucasion female is 22%.

My jello weights a total of 72.3 pounds

My skeleton, muscle,and water weigh a total of 145.7 pound

So in order for me to be HEALTHY...not SKINNY I only need to loose a total of 24 pounds!

Now when I last joined the gym I had teh lofty goal of loosing 70 lbs. That was my start to finish goal. Well looking now, had I lost those 70 lbs I would have been incredibly unhealthy. I was at my thinnest (when I was weighing myself) a 160 lbs, and wearing a size 10, and I was unhealthy looking. I looked like I had ematiated. So armed with new information I have set a new goal.

My goal is just as it was before...too loose weight to be healthy, and that amount is the 24 pounds to get me to my optimal 22%, and then an additional 16 pounds for a total of 40 pounds lost. I hope to achieve that by this time next year.

It feels good too dream!

Priceless...

2008-01-17T12:38:00.000-05:00

Having blood work done at hospital lab $0 on Master Card (no co pay due)

Having to wait 25 minutes to get blood work done $0 on Master Card, but really annoying.

Having access to blood work when I arrive at work the next day, and having a nurse at my disposal who can decipher the results; Priceless

Luteinizing hormone in blood

Menstruating women:
Follicular phase 1–18 international units per liter (IU/L)
Midcycle peak 8.7–80 IU/L
Luteal phase 0.5–18 IU/L

Day 3 FSH level Interpretation for DPC Immulite assay - 2007
Less than 10 Reassuring level.
Expect a good response to ovarian stimulation.

10 - 12 Fair.
Response is between completely normal and somewhat reduced (response varies widely). Overall, a somewhat reduced live birth rate.

12- 15 Reduced ovarian reserve. Usually show a reduced response to stimulation and some reduction in egg and embryo quality with IVF. Reduced live birth rates on the average.

15 - 20 Generally show a more marked reduction in response to stimulation and usually a further reduction in egg and embryo quality with IVF. Low live birth rates. Antral follicle count a very important consideration.

Over 20 Perhaps a "No go" level in our center. Very poor (or no) response to stimulation. "No go" levels must be individualized for the particular lab assay and IVF center. Antral follicle count a very important consideration.

Lab results from 10/16/07 CYCLE DAY 17

17 Hydroxyprogesterone = 1150

FSH = 0.3

LH = 0.2

Prolactin = 21.2

Lab Results 01/16/2008 CYCLE DAY 10

17 Hydroxyprogesterone = Level not back yet

FSH = 5.6

LH = 8.8

Prolactin = 10.4

Both tests were performed at 9 a.m.

So here is what I surmise folks, and someone correct me if I am wrong… was getting ready to ovulate at that time. I am never one who can determine if I have EWCM, an Open high cervix etc…so I am hopeful, but not completely convinced. What do you all think? Really part of me wants to pop open a bottle of wine, and celebrate…but the other part of me is ready to hit the pharmacy to refill my Provera. Limbo is a dance that should only be under taken while in Hawaii…not while trying valiantly to succeed in conception!

Having a glimmer of hope that maybe just maybe my cystic ovaries sprung forth an egg this cycle...Priceless.

Fake Baby...

2008-01-16T12:56:00.001-05:00

I came across a documentary that was posted in its entirety (in 5 part blocks) on U Tube yesterday. I watched in awe as grown women parked in the New and Expectant Mothers spots at the store and wheeled their “babies” around. The title of the documentary “My Fake Baby” Yes, you read that right. If your jaw didn’t hit the pavement yet, it might, or it might not and that is why I write. What is your opinion? Yes I know you need more information and I will explain, and please I want your opinions because I curious as to what others think of this.

Apparently there are artists who take otherwise innocuous baby doll parts; bake them, paint them, weight them, and even go as far as to add breathing; warming or “wiggling” mechanisms to these creatures to make them appear as real as possible. Some are down right adorable, and others are down right scary. They are called Re B-o-R-N-s and apparently there is a huge following for them by people who both collect them and “care for them”

One of the women in England has 5, and at the time of the documentary was flying to Washington too acquire her 6th. To prepare for the trip she and her husband went to the store and purchased 400 pounds worth of clothing for the “baby” to come home in. You also see her taking her “daughter” to the zoo with them, in a beautiful white and blue pram. They also decide to get a souvenir photo taken of the family.

Now the above woman has decided she never wanted children, but wanted to “fulfill her maternal instinct” and does so with these babies. Her “perfect babies” Another vignette was that of a grandmother, only her story is presented as if the child has died, and you muster that sympathy and believe that perhaps this will fill a void. Just to hold this “baby” may give her solace for what she has lost. You go on to find out that Harry, her grand son lives with his mother and father in New Zealand, is very much alive, and is the picture of good health.

I talked to J about this on our way home and he said “if it made you happy and fulfilled a need then what harm is it doing?” and too a point I agree, but further I am concerned. So I said “ok, you wouldn’t mind then if I bought one outfitted a nursery, bought a pram, and a car seat then?” And again he said NO if it made me happy. I find that bizarre. I appreciate the fact that he wouldn’t leave me if I turned the bend on reality…but on the other hand how can you condone your spouse in her 30’s walking around a baby doll that looks real? I don’t know maybe I am missing something and if I am help me out here.

Yes I know, this has nothing to do with my personal infertility journey, and no I have not gone off the deep end think this would be a suitable alternative. Don’t worry the men in white coats are safely back at the sanitarium because there will never be any photos of me and little Suzie who arrived in a box from England…but seriously don’t let my opinion sway yours. I would really like to know if any of you think that these dolls have any therapeutic value to them at all….I mean you never know…they might…right?

The Race Is On...

2008-01-14T09:25:00.000-05:00

I don’t know if I have mentioned it in detail, but on January 31st I have an appointment with a different RE. To be honest, I am not sure if he is an “RE” as we know them or a GYN who dabbles in infertility, but according to the information that I have received he does do IVF’s, IUI’s, and microsurgery for fertility. So I suppose dabbles is the wrong word to use. It is just that he is well rounded; he can do my pap smear one day, and then an IVF the next. Talk about one top shopping!

At any rate, I haven’t changed the plan for the IVF in 2009 (2010 at the latest) but I still wanted to follow through with my second opinion. The reason for it is that I want to hear if Dr. K was correct, or if we have perhaps missed a step or two along the way. I am most interested in ovarian drilling, and at the very least my first saline ultrasound, and that elusive second laparoscopy.

I understand that this game is a numbers one, and that after 4 IUI’s that I was becoming a bigger risk to that percentage. However I would like to at least have my opinions regarding my care viewed objectively as opposed too “times up”. If this doctor after careful review and examination concludes that the only order of treatment left is IVF then that is completely acceptable. This gives me a year to enact my additional plans.

First, I rejoined the gym this weekend. My mom actually did too. We are going to take a water aerobics class together, and I plan on over coming my fear of the elliptical. This isn’t a trade off of; if I can’t be a mother at least I can be thin. No, that isn’t it at all. I never plan to be a stick. I just plan to be healthier for healthier makes all things, not just trying to conceive a lot easier.

Second, I am seriously considering counseling. Simply because when we do finally write the check for IVF it will be our one and only attempt. This was J’s concession and mine to be able to do this. So I want to work through the topics of the IVF potentially failing, and the possibility of never being a parent. My thought is if I can work through some of those issues prematurely that I will then be able to focus my energies on possible success as opposed to being so consumed with the idea that “this is it”

Now, I have a request. If anyone is familiar with ovarian drilling…had it done, knows someone who had it done…has read about it etc. Can you please refer them to me? I know of one person who had it done. She was over weight, had tried unsuccessfully for 6 years to conceive. She had her 1st IUI 6 months after the surgery with male factor conceived twin boys who are now 3, but she is the only one…so when I present my argument again I would like to have more than one clinic case that I am aware of to help sway the opinion if needed.

We have 11 ½ months until show time, but I feel like I am on the last leg of a really long race but I am far from ready!

The Va-Gin-a Monologues

2008-01-12T19:53:00.000-05:00

Vagina. Hole in the wall. Queen Victoria. Pussy Cat. Pookey. Putnany. The C WORD. Orafice. Down there. Do I have your attention folks? Well the ladies of the Va-Gin-a Monologues did when they started our hour and fifteen minutes of time together and continued to have it well after the cabaret style theater lights were brought back up.

The above are just some of the names that our most intimate parts are called, and one I added because it is what mine is called. Shocking isn't it? Well that is the whole point of this play. The Va-gin-a monologues while at times is over the top with grandeous language is also very current, thought provoking, at times sad, and for the most part hysterical. I had the opportunity this evening to attend a press review of the show.

The monologues were recorded through a series of interviews, and personal life experiences by the author Eve Ensler in the year 2000, and while a new monologue is added yearly they "old" ones work just as well today as they did 8 years ago I am sure. The "cast" for our show was comprised of three women, all of whom were unique, but whom were joined by one common thread. No wait, two common threads. They each wore something red with their black ensembles, but also by the fact that they each I am fairly sure have a vagina. Shocking isn't it?

Really though this part of our anatomy is relevant from birth, or now the 20 week ultrasound "No penis. I see the three lines for a hamburger. Yup, its a girl" Of course we aren't keenly aware of what makes us a girl until our first menstrual cycle. Then we get it. The vagina for one week a month its a curse. Yes Virginia, our vagina's are a curse. Especially when you realize that this is where babies come from. Sex...now this is where pleasure enters in, but also this is where our vagina's become a big issue. Texture, scent, wet, dry, size oh my. Child birth!!! Hello, we are not gum bands. We only stretch so far...an episiwatomy? Oh yea, that is never going to go back to be the way it was before. Menopause...what comes next? The point of this seeming rant and the play is too put focus on something that is an important part of us, but is something that none of us talks about in polite company.

All fun aside, the play also has some thought provoking moments. The woman from New York example who was in her 70's and had never experienced an orgasm. Not because she couldn't, but because she was afraid. Her first near experience with a boy in the 50's had made her so self conscious that she never let herself get close to a man again for fear that "it would happen again" To her "down there" was a cellar something every house has, but not somewhere you think about or somewhere you go. It wasn't until after she had a hysterectomy and even her dreams that brought her pleasure stopped did she realize that she had nothing to be ashamed for.

The saddest was from a woman who lived in Europe who became a civilian victim of the war. Prior to the war she was open and loving, and enjoyed being with her boy friend. She didn't feel dirty or ashamed of anything her body did. After 7 days of brutal rape with broom sticks, bottles, and even the cold end of a rifle did she stop believing this. Now, she see's her feminine being as dirty, diseased, and herself unworthy of it. Later she went on to be one of the hundreds of thousand of women who under go clitoral circumcision as a hope to relieve her pain.

I do not write this entry for shock value, or for hits from a go-o-gl-e search, but rather from a request. The only request from the theater who sponsored this showing was that we make others aware of this show, and to write about it. What is ironic is that this blog started as an infertility blog, and as such there were many entries of doctors appointments, and "dildo cam" appointments, yet never once did I wonder about what really "goes on down there" until tonight. So now that I have seen it, heard it, and enjoyed it I encourage all of you too do the same. For those in the Pittsburgh are the City Theater in the S. Side is playing the Monologues at a cost of $35 a ticket. For those who aren't near the Burg keep your eyes out and consider going the next time it is in town. Take your mother, your sister, your girl friend and be ready to be amazed.

Seriously. It is an amazing 75 minutes that will make you laugh out loud, will make you draw in a breath that you hold for longer than you anticipated you would. A show that will make you go home and want want to talk about it with your spouse, but because the V word is in the title will tell you "I don't want to hear about that" but trust me...you will be talking about it for a long time to come!

If you are interested you tube has several of the monologues. The Angry Va-gin-a was my favorite, but should not be view if there are young children with in ear shot as the language is suspect.

Thank God Its Friday!

2008-01-11T09:12:00.001-05:00

Thank God Its Friday! No truer words have ever been spoken. For a work week that lasts 5 days or the equivalent of 40 hours it sure seems like it was much longer.

Monday: I bit the bullet and sent the fax to Dr. K’s office. I requested that a copy of my medical record be released not only to my “second opinion” doctor, but also requested that a copy be sent in its entirety to me. Its official, I have gone from active patient of too former patient of with the push of the send button. Two hours after everyone’s arrival in the midst of a normal Manic Monday 3/3 gets a phone call. Her husband has been rushed to the hospital after fainting on a street in Down Town Pittsburgh. This emergency caused her early release from work, leaving the rest of us scattering to pick up the slack. After lunch things progressively got worse. We had an “emergency” change too two clinics. This is tedious work as it involves telephone calls, messages, return phone calls, and letters being sent out. Oh and of course the outraged parent of our patients when we do reach them on the phone. I couldn’t have been happier when the whistle blew on this day.

Tuesday: G is not coming in again, and while Tuesdays during this time of year are just as bad as Monday’s who could blame her? At least we could breath a sigh of relief…the clinics were rescheduled, and nothing else was on the horizon. Or so we thought…for after lunch we received word that there was a death “in the family” One of our physician’s sons died. Scrambling occurred again as we began rescheduling two clinics which were to occur within the next 24-48 hour time period. Again, by 4:30 I was mentally and physically drained. Thank heavens its “date night” some Mexican food and a hot bath later I am feeling slightly more human.

Wednesday: TB test day. There is nothing like having the soft flesh on the under side of ones arm pricked by a needle wielding a nurse who is in a hurry. G is back hoorah. Her husband is home with a diagnosis that isn’t life threatening, so we can relax. Then the call comes in…her services are needed elsewhere in the clinic, she needs to report upstairs. It’s OK, because its Wednesday and Wednesday’s are the start of the slow down. Then the call comes again. The head of our department wishes to attend the funeral, we need to reschedule her clinic for Friday…here we go again. Coupled with a meeting at 12:45 that could have been handled via a teleconference this did not add up to a banner day.

Thursday: Poke the bear day. Then an early morning doctors appointment to hopefully give my ankle the all clear. By lunch J and I had completely gotten over the tiff of the morning. Both of us were mature enough to recognize that it was caused by a week that wasn’t quite over yet. For dinner he brought me home some BBQ which no pun intended put me in hog heaven. Later, he decided that I needed to be taken out for ice cream. There is nothing like chocolate ice cream with hot fudge and bananas at 9 o’clock at night folks.

Here we are today, it’s finally Friday. I still have to get my TB test read, but let me just say in advance, no reaction means a negative test. At least something went right this week! After work we have been invited out for drinks with some friends, and J has agreed to go. Following that I plan to go to the Y and rejoin the gym.

Oh yes…TGIF because if it was a M, T, W, or T again…I don’t know if I could survive em’…

Don't Poke The Bear...

2008-01-10T08:58:00.000-05:00

J woke up cranky this morning. This is normal for a Thursday. His pattern is that by Thursday and Friday to be completely unbearable. I know he works hard, but come on, I may sit behind a desk for 80% of my day where he sits behind one for 40%, but that doesn't mean that my mentally stressful weeks are any less productive. Yet when he asks the question "how was your day" and my answer happens to be long and tiring he rolls his eyes and gets a glazed over look. Given this known fact of reasoning I suppose I should have just "let it go" today when on the radio they listed the top 8 reasons why people divorce.

8. Religion 7. To have or not to have children 6. How to raise the children 5. Lack of communication 4. I forget 3. Another woman/man 2. Money 1. Physical abuse

So me being me, and seeing the humor in almost everything decided to "poke the bear" I looked over at J and said "well gee we have 2 of 8, that doesn't bode well does it" Big mistake, never poke a bear when they haven't been fed and are sitting in Parkway East traffic. His answer was then fine lets just get a divorce. Uhm, ok now I know you are cranky but really a divorce?

Of course now I am mad so I have to throw up all the times when he wasn't supportive during our IUI attempts...which is far from the truth, he was hopeful but hated spending the $$ just for them to fail. To which he throws up at me that it wasn't his fault they failed. Which leads us down the road of Dr. K's report on morphology and motility, to which I get the grand male ego trip because as we all know their ability to produce sperm is what in deed makes them a man even if said man doesn't care if they ever produce a living breathing child. Unless of course he is already satisfied with this ability given our failed pregnancies before which I suppose are my fault too. So he has decreed "Dr. K is a quack he doesn't know what he is talking about, I am fine" This would have been another opportunity to let it go, but of course by now I have a big long stick in my hand and I just had to keep shoving it in.

Money, that was the next topic..."If you cared you would make sure I could have had IVF done a year ago". Now he is incredulous, "We are saving up for 1 round of IVF" to which I responded, that the money in that savings account would end up going to vacation, his new plasma tv, or a "new" second car because there won't be enough in there come next year. Which is true, but we have decided to open the HSA IF we can afford to do it, but that doesn't mean that we can't put money into our credit union account too which may help with any additional expenses. It was at this point that I opted to end the conversation and moved on to other things because he while cranky was right, but the damage was done.

With his jaw set and eyes facing forward the tone for the upcoming weekend has been laid. Hopefully it will become cold enough that he will end up hibernating, and come Monday he will be clean shaven and not quite so ready to bite the hand that pokes him with the stick...Then again, by Monday maybe the hell that has been my week won't be so weighty and I won't be so ready to be holding the stick either...

Blame It On The Computer!

2008-01-04T14:26:00.000-05:00

I have officially become a cliché’. I was/am a computer glitch. How about them apples, no wait, PC’s?

This is the condensed version of what happened prior to the fateful letter arriving that sealed my fate in beurocratic crap wrapped in Saran wrap. The “organization” did in deed run my criminal background check that I had so graciously allowed them to do with the centrifugal movements of my signature. It, as expected came back stating that I did not, and continue too have no criminal record. So what was the problem? Well this is where the virtues of living in the computer age arrive.

My original hiring manager was promoted the week in which I was asked to stay at my current clinic. So in a rush to conclude old business on Friday before moving onto new business on Monday I apparently slipped through some fairly deep cracks. “CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?” Oh wait, that is Verizon. Better be careful, my next letter could be a law suit for copyright fraud! Now, At the time of the transfer my criminal background should have been logged by hand into the computer under my new title, but since there was no change the computer “over looked it” Even at my 6 month review, despite my revenue house changing the computer “over looked me” again because my title remained the same. Compounding matters was the fact that HR and the computer continued to have me listed under my original manger, thus my transfer, while official was never complete paper work wise. This travesty would have continued had I not received a promotion to the next level complete with pay and finally the auspicious title change on December 9th.

It was only at this time that the computer finally said “Danger Will Robinson” we have this person working here who never got their clearances and churned out a form letter advising me of my impending termination. The kicker is that while the letter was a form letter, it was signed off on in pen by the HR Manager who instead of calling me too find out why this occurred assumed that I was derelict in my duties and chose instead to sign off on it. It was then mailed too my home where it arrived 6 days later. Have I mentioned that it is less than 15 miles between my house and work? I guess the pony wasn’t feeling very expressive that week.

In the end, when a human being in HR finally pulled my file they realized their error, and as such granted me an extension. Which they assure me is only a technicality, for I have already complied with their request, and have proven my intent. So I now have until February 26th in which too supply them my final clearance, oh and yes they do have the ones from 2007, but since a year has passed apparently they are now expired. Once again I sit at the mercy of the state capital and yet another computer to supply me with this information in a timely fashion.

Now tell me where is that mythical Y2K bug when you need it?

Don't Panic...

2008-01-04T09:03:00.001-05:00

I wish someone could explain to me why it is, that every time I come within scratching distance of an IVF plan that things begin to go awry. The latest in this trend comes on the heals of a title change, and pay raise. Good things right? Well yes, but as a result a letter was issued advising that unless I provide my ACT 33/34 clearances by January 28th, I will be terminated.

What shocks me is that when I applied for the position from which I was promoted I signed paper work authorizing a criminal background to be done. A formal offer was made and I accepted. I was part of a “pool” at that time, which meant I could float from office too office until I found a “home” well my home was the first place I landed. My transition from “floater” too “home” was via a phone call and a post it note congratulating me and welcoming me aboard. That was it. Absolutely no transition, for after all this department runs under the same fork of the wheel as my “pool” did. No muss, no fuss. It was easy.

So imagine my surprise when I opened my mail yesterday and was advised that I would be terminated on January 28th! This morning I called HR and spoke to the person who sent me the letter. I advised that I had gotten an online copy of my CLEAR criminal record, but that I don’t have the same option for my child abuse clearance. Would my application for the clearance suffice until I received it? The woman says “not to worry you won’t be terminated” boy did I breath a sigh of relief “you will be suspended because there is no way that it will be back in time” Then she says, no wait, you will be terminated because you have been here a year.

I explained to her that at no time was I given, or sent a letter advising me that I had to have those items. She said “oh wait I see what happened” When you moved “home” your title never changed and the computer didn’t pick it up. Still I am amazed that you haven’t received a letter before this. Let me pull your file, and if you haven’t received a letter before this I will TRY to extend your termination, but I make no guarantees, but don’t panic. I will call you later”

Don’t panic? Don’t panic. Hello, you are telling me that I have less than one month to get a clearance that took the last person who had to get them two months. Don’t panic, hello you are telling me I am going to be terminated on the 28th. Don’t panic, you are telling me you will try, but make no guarantees that you can help me. Don’t panic, this was just a lack of communication. Great, so who is to say that there won’t be another one? Oh yea, I won’t panic because as we know everything in life has been oh so easy for me.

A Weighty Issue

2008-01-03T09:23:00.001-05:00

I am excited for January 4th for there is a new television show on Lifetime that is being launched. It is Carson Kresley’s “How To Look Good Naked” I am excited because we are not talking tiny little stick figures, but REAL WOMEN. Or should I say real women who resemble ME. Just seeing the previews for the last eight or so weeks has changed the way I see myself in the mirror, so I can only imagine how the show will play out.

On the flip side of this, I weighed myself for the first time since the holiday season started. I gained three pounds. While that isn’t a lot, that is still an extra 9000 calories that I managed to consume from November 23rd until January the 1st. I can probably account for at least 2000 of those calories on the 1st of the year alone, for that seemed to be the day that I was craving salsa and chips, and proceeded to eat both from lunch through bed.

This is a refreshing switch from shows like Janice Dickinson’s Modeling Agency in which she tells a girl who is a size TWO that she is FAT! Can you imagine! I would kill to be a size 12 again, and to her that is probably the attack of the Amazon woman. It’s no wonder that we as women have such a sub par view of bodies. Or that men oogle the bleach blond, skinny waist bountifully blessed breasted women on Bay Watch and shows of the like. For that is what we have perpetuated at the great American myth.

What strikes me as I watch re-runs of King of Queens, Still Standing, and According to Jim is that we “tolerate” BIG men with tiny wives, and find that adorable. Yet I can guarantee cancellation for any show that would portray the GQ model with an average or larger than average sized wife as the lead. I do however have to give kudos to both Days of Our Lives, and even more recently The Guiding Light on day time television for they both have, and had larger women in lead rolls. One was married to a doctor, and the other is a young adult dating a very attractive young man.

With all that said, you will never see me running around the beach in a string bikini, or wearing my Daisy Dukes while washing my car on a hot summer day. Yet that isn’t for your comfort, but mine for I am the average woman in America folks, and its time to embrace it!

Its Over (almost)

2007-12-31T07:45:00.000-05:00

2007, like my vacation is just about over. My vacation will cease to be in 40 minutes, and 2007 in 16 hours and 39 minutes. In short order we will be given 366 days in which to do with anything thing we choose. Some of us will go on to become first time parents either through the birth of our biological child(ren) or through adoption. Others will be one step closer to becoming pregnant, and others will finally close the book on that chapter all together. Yet others, who have different dreams and ambitions, will seek to fulfill those within the short time that we are allotted.

I am not one who believes in resolutions. Sure, I have tried them. “This year I will loose weight” or “This is the year I will quit smoking” or “This is the year I will attend church more” Yet come the 3rd of January, when the hustle and bustle of the holiday season is behind us, those resolute promises are like Christmas tree ornaments. They are packed away in the recesses and every day life resumes until “next year” when they are once again pulled out, dusted off, and revisited with the same passion as before, yet we notice that somewhere along the way they lost some of their original luster.

That sounds like a dim view doesn’t it? But it’s not really. See, it’s like those years, and there were many, when I resolved to quit smoking. I would promise myself, my husband my family "this is the year", but ultimately it didn’t happen until I was ready, and when it did it was without pomp and without circumstance, it just came to be without anything more than a figurative puff of smoke. So this is my plan for the year, a resolution perhaps, perhaps not. This year I have 366 days in which to live, and I want to live each one of those in the moment, not in a spontanious don't ever plan anything way, but rather be like an onion. An onion has form, and mass, but you have to peel away the layers to see what is next...but you don't think so much about getting to the next layer, it just happens. So, my plan is, don’t to so much about what is going to happen next, or worry so much about what didn’t...what ever will be will be.

We are limited in how many trips around the sun that we get to take…and this year I want to try to make this the best one yet. I very much hope that each one of us lives in the moment, even for a little while this New Year. Shed the chains of the past, while looking forward to the future, but never forgetting to live in the now. For if I learned anything in 2007, it is that life is often times not fair, and often times too short, and that in the blink of an eye a seemingly ordinary day can be the one that changes everything.

So my friends have a Happy New Year. For those who make resolutions I wish you success. For those who don’t, try this one on for size and see what happens? Be safe if you are out tonight, and remember today is the first day of the rest of your life!

Happy New Year!

Oh Crap...

2007-12-29T15:22:00.000-05:00

Can 2007 please, please, pretty please be over like YESTERDAY? Please. J and I were fighting as we rang in the new year of 2007, and from the looks of it we may be fighting it out. Isn't it ironic?

Whats worse is it is over a dent in the car. Yup the brand new 2008 Cobalt got its first ding today. See, I am once again playing Aunt Extraordinare, and as such took my niece to the zoo. Ok, so we had free tickets but that is beside the point. I did buy her a stuffed tiger, does that count? Back to the car. Well someone apparently opened their door into my drivers side door. Yup...big old creased dent in the drivers side door.

Now what went through my mind when I discovered it was "oh shit, this sucks" followed by "J is going to freaking kill me" You see he has this "thing" If you don't NEED to go out then you shouldn't go out lest someone dent your car. Yea, well guess what...for 3 of my 4 week days of vacation you WORKED till 7 p.m. every night and had MY CAR since your car wasn't working. So believe me I NEEDED to go out. Sorry again, that was an aside. Anyway...there is no paint damage thank goodness. Just an ugly dent in my otherwise pristine car.

Turning it into the insurance company would be a joke as our deductable is only $500, and J is hopeful that it won't cost it much to "bang" it out. Hell if I had a rubber mallet I would bang it out myself. Really, my karma must really stink...here he just worked 96 hours of over time over the course of a month, of which 48 hours were to go towards our IVF savings...but now instead it will go too Day Chevrolet Body Shop, and home of the Corvette King. With a sign like that you know its going to cost you a least one injection of Follistim to say the least...

This Just In...

2007-12-27T10:49:00.001-05:00

Yup, for a change my diagnosis is right. I wasted $10 on an HPT. Yes, yes, I know I said I wouldn't buy a test but honestly it wasn't my fault. See I was at Wal-Mart and while I happened to be walking back to the cat food and 1/2 off Christmas stuff the hpt box just fell into my cart. I mean really, who puts pregnancy tests at the very end of the family planning isle between the tampons and the condoms? Gee, they could just happen to fall into anyones cart who happened to be walking down the isle. Honest thats what happened. I didn't price compare or note that the Equate +/- slots were EMPTY...what was that the top gift for 2007 for Christmas or what?

So anyway...despite the lack of sore breasts, heck they are floppier than bean bags at a college frat house; a 97.9 bbt today, lack of pregnancy or pms symptoms I still decided to pee on the stick today. Purer than driven snow is the saying I am looking for here when we say it was a BIG GIANT BIG FAT NEGATIVE.

I wasn't surprised. I was just glad I did it. Now I can go to my "new" RE appointment knowing that I am not pregnant. See, I went to Dr. K's in June HOPING that maybe my test would be positive. So my plan for tonight is to go to Rite Aid, get my provera filled and collect my $20 gift card for filling a new script there.

So there ya have it...I am not a doctor, but I play one on the blog.

Cycle Day...29

2007-12-26T15:34:00.001-05:00

I hope Santa was good too everyone!

He was especially generous at our house. DH got me my gold wedding band, and I couldn't be more thrilled. My good set now resides in my jewelery box awaiting a trip to the jeweler. One of the smaller stones came out, and I would love to have the prongs tightened and oh I don't know maybe have it cleaned. He also brought me an expansion for the Sims2, and a Reba CD. Other things he left include gift cards for Kohls, the grocery store, Apple Bee's, and a sewing machine. In my mind I am going to make something fabulous...but we shall see.

So as my title suggests today is CD 29. Yup, cd 29. No sign of AF, and no sign that there is a baby on board. I am quite sure I was/am annovulatory again, but am rather surprised that I didn't have the dysfunctional uterine bleeding that typically accompanies that state of being. Ironically the last time this happened was the month that I started seeing Dr. K again this year...ultimately I ended up with a 40+ day cycle, and a round of Provera. History repeating its self I suppose for my second opinion is on January 3rd with Dr. T

A part of me wants to run to Wal-Mart and buy a test...but I know that it would be a waste of money. Of course the other part of me wants to be "one of those women from Iowa" *Yes I know stereotypical* who "didn't know they were pregnant because..." but I know that is just a pipe dream. So the +/- test will reside on the shelf waiting for a woman with trembling hands to pick it up and take it home...but those hands won't be mine. I will wait patiently till 1/3/08 at which time I will fill out the answer to "when was your last menstrual period?" with November 23, 2007 and I will then bare my arm so that it can be poked only to hear "your progesterone is .04, not only haven't you ovulated, but you won't get AF without this medication either"

Of course this coming from the woman who self diagnosed a heart attack...only to find out at the follow up appointment that it wasn't even an anxiety attack...and instead was a weather induced asthmatic episode. So maybe...just maybe...my CD 29 diagnosis is wrong too, but I doubt it.

Happy Holidays!

2007-12-21T07:23:00.000-05:00

While most are done Christmas shopping, I still have one gift left. Its a simple gift card, but even that could leave me stranded at the mall for days. So in light of that, and my upcoming vacation next week I decided to send my holiday greetings today.

I hope each and everyone of you gets what you desire for the holiday. For some that will be that illusive bfp, for others word that their adoption has been approved, and for others yet it will simply be a material object that they have lusted after. Regardless, I hope that each of you are able to find some joy in the lights, the cookies, and the warmth of being with family and friends.

Lastly thank to you all for your continued support. I am fairly new to the blogging world, so to have your faithful readership has been a comfort. Especially during those dark days that seem to plague us all. I look forward to coming back after my vacation and reading about your celebrations, and hopefully will find some good news from you all.

Merry Christmas and a Very Happy and Prosperous New Year!

PS. I asked Santa for pink and blue baby dust for us all this year!

We Interupt This Program...

2007-12-19T09:00:00.000-05:00

Seriously have we become such a dumbed down society that the following must be plastered on the side of my take out tea cup: THIS CUP IS MADE FROM PAPER-CAUTION: CONTENTS HOT. Seriously, here I thought I was drinking from the Queens china, and now you tell me that the cup is made out of paper. Oh, and thank you Dixie for advising me that my cup of hot green tea with 2 creams, and 3 Splenda packets is hot. The steam coming off the top wasn’t enough of a reminder that I, a mature and sometimes responsible adult ordered hot tea. Without that warning I may have placed the cup between my legs and began to putter around the office in my chair.

Another label that really gets me is the one on the back of my sun visor in my car. You all have seen them, the one with the air bag placing the rear facing baby precariously close to death. Really, is sleep deprivation so severe in parents of an infant that they forget basic physics? Ok lets review, rear facing car seat anchors to the seat at the rear of the car seat. So logic would tell me (a non parent) that if something were to explode out of the dashboard with hundreds of pounds of pressure behind it that little JR and his car seat are going to pivot at the point of anchoring and will then be lodged into the back of the front seat. Apparently however enough people failed physics to be able to put two and two together to get 4…and yes I know I am mixing arithmetic and science.

Oh, and while I am on the subject of children…cribs. Have you ever read the box? Yup you guessed it “DO NOT LEAVE BABY UNATTENDED” You know, now that I think about it, perhaps this is why the warning is on the car visor. Its not that we are uneducated, it's that we really are that sleep deprived. Perhaps the crib should have an additional warning “Do not drive or operate heavy machinery after using this product” After all the baby sleeps for what, 4 hours a night? If you can’t leave him there safely when the heck are you supposed to sleep?

Mini blinds are another pet peeve of mine. Who puts their child’s crib, high chair, step stool, potty set etc close enough to a mini blind so that the child could hang themselves with a cord? Wait, I do have a friend who has a photo on her blog of her daughter who should be sleeping, playing with the cord to the mini blinds instead...So apparently there have been plenty because not only do the cords break away (which I do think is ingenious for cats who can’t read but whom insist on playing with the dangling cord), but do they also come out of the box with a warning NOT to place your child’s crib within reach of the cord. Then again these are probably for the same parents who couldn’t figure out the physics of a rear facing car seat and a passenger side air bag…but I digress.

Even plastic bags come with a warning. Do not let children play with plastic bag, could lead to suffocation. Darn, and I was going to save money this Christmas and give all the kids their own box of XL Ziplocks this year. Boy, I really wish I could be the person who comes up with these warnings and then proceeds to get paid for it. I wonder how much someone like that would make. Oh, and I am sure that when he/she cashes his/her check at the bank that the teller hands him/her a card that says “don’t swallow coins; choking hazard”

Here is my thought, instead of the government wasting money on warnings such as these; they could provide each house hold with a robot like the one on Lost in Space. Whenever we pick up an implement that can cause bodily harm he can sneak up behind you and loudly screech “Danger Will Robinson Danger” Of course then I may spill that hot tea out of my paper cup and burn myself…so I guess the robot would have to come with his own warning sign too…

Yes, today I feel a little like Andy Rooney from 60 Minutes…only I am much cuter and not nearly as cranky. Tomorrow we will return to normally scheduled programing.