Imaginary Symptoms...

Yesterday my symptoms had all but disapeared. No amount of poking, prodding, pushing or begging could make my breasts elicite a response. Taking my temperature however gave me something to do, and I pulled a consistant 98.6 regardless of time of day. Yup, a perfectly normal living breathing human being temperature. Imagine that. My abdomen however seemed perfectly normal. I was able to zip my favorite pair of jeans in anticipation of dinner at Don Pablo's. I had decided that my fate was sealed 5/6 days post ovulation, 7 days post trigger, and 1 day post booster. After all no one could feel as normal as me, and possibly be pregnant.

That was then...

This morning at 4:30 I woke up with a painfully full bladder. I poked the girls a little bit and got no response. So I grumbled my way to bed after sitting in the bathroom for what seemed like an inexplicably long period of time and promptly fell back asleep. When the alarm sounded 1.5 hours later I stumbled out of bed begrudgingly. After all Monday's are the least fun of my days at work...

In my office M popped her head in "How are you feeling today?" She is all smiles. I told her "normal" No cramping, no sore bbs, no nothing to indicate massive ovulation took place a week ago. She frowned quickly but recovered with a smile "Well you find out on Thursday don't you?" Boy don't I wish...but nope.

It wasn't until an hour later when I needed to use the ladies room that I realized my abdomen hurt. Ouch, there it was again. Not quite cramps. No, not cramps but more the ovaries crying out. Hmm...thats curious. Do I feel bloated too? Yes surely I do. Ok, now this is where creativity comes into play. How does one push on their boobs when people are milling their way up the hall outside of ones office? Ah yes that old "give yourself a hug trick" Hmm, maybe a little sore but nothing major. No wait...if I push THIS WAY yup...they hurt a lot now!

Hmm, now I have heart burn. Darn English muffins. Wait...English Muffins give you heart burn? No never have they done that before. Curious. Heart burn...and look now I have a dull headache...wait let me push on the boobs...ah darn they don't hurt as much...but I am still bloated.

So yes...this is how my day is going...imagining symptoms, that now along with the above include utter exhaustion. Curious since even if I am pregnant the embryo has only been implanted for a nano second and is still the size of a speck on a clover...

Surely They Gest...

Yesterday morning found me arising bright and early. The alarm clock startling me out of the most contended of sleeps. I was anxious to arrive at Dr. T's office. I couldn't wait as a matter of fact. After all I would soon learn if I ovulated, and if so how high my progesterone level was thus perpetuating hope for the next week that I am actually pregnant.

"Mia Farrow" seemed to be in a mood of sorts. Surprising since was usually the most jovial of the lot. She "explained" that they were checking progesterone and prolactin with this test, and that they don't call with the results. I asked "why?" Her answer kind of made me mad. "Because the results don't change your protocol since you aren't taking any meds except your booster shot today. This information just tells the doctor if anything needs to be changed for next month" Uhm ok, so you have already decided I am not pregnant? She did try to back pedal here..."also don't test for pregnancy for 16 more days because your booster is the hormone that the pregnancy test detects" Gee, thanks for that explanation. I have after all never gone through this before. So she pulled out the calendar and told me that I can take a home test on April 13th, OR that I can come in on the 14th and have a beta done if I wish. However WHEN (notice not if) my period starts I am to call the office right away.

My cycle started March 10th. I looked through old ff charts of mine...my shortest LP with injectables was 9 days! My longest is 13. I know for a fact from previous experience that this brand of trigger (Ovidrel is out of my system after 6 days). So it will be GONE by Friday. By Friday I will be in theory I will be 11 dpo. Still to early to test...but certainly it won't be by next Sunday...IF not WHEN AF should show. I have one HPT in the house thanks to a friend who "donated" it to the cause. So the plan is to POAS next Sunday. IF its positive,and I am not talking "if I squint I can see a line" then I will do as instructed and wait 1 week and test again. If its BFN then I will just wait...that seems like a rational plan doesn't it?

As for symptoms...well they are starting to subside. If pushed my nipples hurt...but that could be from my pushing, poking, and pulling them so much. My ovaries are still "crampy" but nothing like before. So while I am still holding out hope I will admit its not that blind "I got pregnant this month for sure" hope that I had when we started...but at least I am not counting myself out completely yet like Mia has.

I forget...

I am trying hard to remember how I felt with previous trigger shots. How many days post ovulation the "pain" stopped. If my breasts hurt immediately after, and if so for how long. Was I bloated? Those kind of things. Yet I can't. It's like I am a newbie and this is my first experience with anything related to artificial reproduction. Not that being a newbie is a bad thing. You have nothing to compare anything too, and thus every twinge is hopeful.

Anyway...tomorrow I go for my blood work to confirm ovulation. You know...I wonder how many times they have to tell someone "I'm sorry, but you just didn't ovulate this month" I am not talking in a natural we will start Provera if you didn't kind of way...but someone on meds who just didn't do it. After all there is no magic equation that insures ovulation...after all if there were we wouldn't end up with cysts now would we? I am not thinking that is the case for me. At least I hope its not. No...don't put that out there. Positive thoughts. Positive thoughts. Positive thoughts.

In 10 days we will know for sure if the eggies hatched, fertilized and implanted..and of course then as is human nature I will forget again. Human nature makes you or else the human race would cease to exist. And when we do confirm a pregnancy, and confirm a due date (December 15th of 2008) we already know how we are going to tell the masses...

MakeACreeper.com

It will be Christmas in April I declare...

Surreal...

I have no idea how many days past ovulation I am! Ok, let me think for a second...triggered on Sunday...ovulation either Monday or Tuesday...so we are looking at it being Thursday...so either 3 dpo or 2 dpo. Hmf. Surreal. Time seems to be moving in slow motion! I remember back to the days when I first started on this roller coaster. Not the Clomid days, those were stupid experiments destined for failure. No, I am talking the days when I would take the elevator to the third floor of the Jones Institute and extend my arm for blood letting.

I was hopeful, but yet I had no hope. Does that make sense? It was almost as if I entered each cycle counting the days till the next one. Oh sure I was dilligent in making sure I the Follistim entered my body, and that the progesterone suppository was placed just so. Yet I don't think I ever entered a 2ww with "knowledge" that "hey this worked" That sounds so bizare as I type out the words doesn't it? I can't put my finger on it now, but in all seriousness it was true. Even that mishapped cycle in September/October I had little hope. Heck, I don't think I even ovulated.

Yet now here I sit, KNOWING I ovulated. Yesterday Jake said I feel like a furnace that is how much heat I am radiating. This is new. I have never had to strip down to nothing to sleep in March in Western Pennsylvania! For "kicks" I took my temperature today. I was HOPING for a 98.2 just enough to indicate that I was above my normal 97.9 yet I pulled down a 98.6! I slept naked with a window open for goodness sake! My nipples hurt and if I push so do my breasts...and I am NOT on any progesterone supplimentation! 5 days post trigger shot too folks!

If you could see me you would think I won the lottery. I have no idea if I am actually that *p* word...but at the same time I just know that I am. Its surreal to be this happy without the benefit of knowing...

2 Week Wait...

Well its official. My ovaries are telling me that I ovulated and the way they are telling me lets me know that it was more than 1! My stomach is bloated, and I am "cramping" but its all worth it.

Of course I "tested" yesterday to make sure my trigger had been done correctly. As if injecting ones stomach with a prefilled syringe can go wrong. Still, I had one lone pregnancy test in the house. In my dresser drawer to be specific, and I just had to watch it turn double lined pink. It scared me at first because the urine washed across the window and NOTHING happened in the test line. I mean nothing. It was wet, but nothing appeared. The control line came up as the urine continued to its final destination but still nothing. When it did finally start to develop it was faint. So faint that I really began to think that perhaps I did do the trigger incorrectly. As the urine dried however the line became darker, and even Jacob couldn't deny its existance had this been taken at 14 dpo instead of O day.

The moral is that I won't be buying a First Response Rapid Result. Heck I may not buy anything at all. Of course I say that now...but in two weeks we all know that I will be on the left side of rational.

22 Hours and Counting...

Yesterday at this time I was heading to church. Knowing that when I got home I would be injecting Ovidrel into my overly tender belly. This prophecy came to pass 22 hours ago. Now according to the pamphlet, the doctors office, and the internet ovulation should occur between 24 and 36 hours. Well I am waiting...

I feel bloating, but no "pain". I put pain in quotes because with previous expriences that is what I was in...pain, and it was a lot sooner than even the 24 hour mark. So I sit here and wait...and wait some more.

I am still pumped up by the post coital test on Saturday, and encouraged because I got my post HCG migraine yesterday during Easter dinner. Of course that made for one cranky kiddo...but everyone was understanding.

Hopefully in the next 10 hours or so I will feel something...anything...please....

Excellent...

I closed my blog yesterday. Partly out of narcissistic motives, and partly out of sheer frustration when the doctors office didn't call. But in the end I think it was a smart move. I originally password protected the blog so only those I knew could read. Yet even then the comments weren't coming in daily so I still don't know who exactly is reading up on the most intimate details of my life. Obviously no one has noticed since no one has emailed wondering why they can't get in. So this was a good choice I think. Yet one day I may re-open it, I may not. Instead I will keep it primarily as my diary to myself. A way to go back and reflect on what is/was going on during any certain 24 hour time period.

At any rate, the title of today's post is curious isn't it? Well today was our post coital test. Here I am on CD 13 and uncomfortable. Yet at 6:30 a.m. we were instructed to have intercourse. Boy did I have performance anxiety. How do you make an intimate moment intimate when you know that in two hours you have to be at the doctors office naked from the waste down while they suck out the product of intercourse from my va-jay-jay.

With the deed done I once again headed North. My blood was taken, and then I was escorted to room 2. The lab tech/nurse was the one who performed both tests. She seemed to have a little difficulty getting the speculum set, but after a few fumbles it was in. While performing the test she actually engaged in small talk. I loved it. She wanted to know how late my doctor was yesterday (the one I work for), and if I won the bet that he would go till 8 p.m. I did not. He was done at 5:30! Then she was done. She told me to get dressed and that she would be back with the results.

After pulling my jeans back on I grabbed a magazine and waited. Moments later she returned and declared the results "EXCELLENT" I must have given her a look because she said "You know excellent. You can't get any better than that" I was still shell shocked. She said we had great mucus, swimming sperm and LOTS OF IT. I can't believe it. I had honestly expected her to come in the room and say "Im sorry but you should really do IUI this cycle" I think even now at 9 p.m. that I am shell shocked. I immediately called Jacob and told him the good news. I asked if he was pleased with himself and he said NO because you are pleased with me and that is enough. How sweet.

So tomorrow, Easter Sunday I trigger at 9 p.m. then on Saturday I return to Wexford for a P4 (progesterone) test, and will also inject a booster shot of HCG for good measure. Oh, and we have 5 follicles ready to go.

Thanks be to God.

Good Friday

John 3:16

For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whom ever believes in him shall have eternal life.

Have a happy and blessed Easter!! Normal blogging shall commence on Monday.

How is your day?

When we re-entered the infertility treatment arena we did so with great trepedition. I knowing that IVF would ultimately be where I was headed, and Jacob with great fear that "this too won't work" Yet we trudged along accordingly. I did my research, or so I thought. I picked a clinic that I thought would be most well rounded. Yet I feel like Indiana Jones while he was hunting the Holy Grail.



Today I am on CD 11, and I am just now having my second ultrasound. Daily blood work mind you, but only my second ultrasound. Now Jacob wasn't able to attend with me, and one of the ladies here at work was curious and wanted to see what a follicle covered ovary looks like. So I asked if I could have a copy. I was TOLD by the tech that it is agains policy. "Now if you were pregnant that would be different, but I don't want to waste anybody's time. Get em' in and get em back out to work is my policy. Now if you get pregnant then your husband can attend, but until then no" It wasn't the answer that gives me the rub, but that she was so insolent about it. Then when I asked how things looked she said "You need to be quiet I am trying to concentrate" Excuse me, it is me laying on the table with a wand up my va jay jay, I have every right to ask questions. Even when she began multiple measurements she wouldn't tell me how things looked. At the end I said "do I have anything there?" She said "You ahve PCOS so you have 15-30 follicles on each ovary" I am aware I have PCOS, but how about actual follicles NOT cysts that will never go away?

Perhaps I am spoiled, but I have high expectations and they are far from being met. We read all the time if we are unhappy with our physicians to follow our guts. Well, I am unhappy...and while I hate to change physicians again...I think that perhaps its time to get away from small clinics and go with a cattle call of one. Somewhere like U---P----M---C M--a--g--e--e Heck they are close by, they are owned and run by my employer...and lord knows its a heck of a lot easier to walk a few blocks than drive 22+ miles daily just to be annoyed....

DAILY UPDATE FOR THOSE STILL READING

The nurse called. I have an E2 level that rose to 269. I forget yesterdays, but hey its rising, I am happy. My E2 is hanging at 2.1 which is fabulous! Then I asked about follicles. "You have 5, but they aren't mature yet" I understand that. I am only on CD 11, and we started out low and slow. So I am sure ovulation will occur a little later than anticipated. But gee, isn't it funny...I go from "nothing" to five. Hmf.

Education...

I arrived begrudginly at the doctors lab this morning. The lab tech/nurse was the same person I have had all week. She commented that I didn't seem to be having a good morning. I told her I was a little upset with my blood work. She asked why? It had increased. I seriously thought she was kidding. Well heck, our outdoor temperature increased by 2 degrees from yesterday but that doesn't mean I am going to open the pool and dive in. She waited a moment before pricking me today as I told her I KNOW that E2 MUST be 200 to equal a mature egg, and she smiled.

She told me that while that is partially true, its not acurate. In a NORMAL cycle when ONE EGG is produced the number is AROUND 200, but that in a stimulated cycle you CAN NOT rely on that number. She said I have seen women with E2 of 500 who have ZERO follicles! Proceeding on she told me that I have PCOS...DUH, so the doctor purposely started me out low and slow so as not to over stimulate me on CD 10 and that if he hadn't already he would be increasing my meds. Which he did yesterday. Given that she said we are looking for a number today of no less than 150-160. I was at 122 yesterday so I believe that is possible.

Finally before the poke she said it is also a myth that you MUST ovulate on or around CD 14. She said that they have had a few cases where triggering didn't occure until CYCLE DAY 21 and that they have had successful pregnancies as a result. Of course they don't want you to go that long, but you can if you need too.

As memory serves for me...I believe the longest I went with Dr. K was CD 16, thus giving us ovulation CD 18. The only difference is...he was a lot closer to work, and the gas prices weren't $3.27 a gallon. So my HOPE is that the higher dose of Follistim does the trick and I am ready to go say on Monday...but if not at least I know my ovaries aren't going to harden and the eggs hard boil...well not until menopause anyway...and with a FSH level of below 10...I unfortunately am far from there...

Here we go loopdy loo! So the one time I decide to go and get myself a drink from the gift shop...thus walking through the steel encased stair well Christy calls. My phone immediately upon exiting from said stairwell starts playing the strains of the Addams Family. I pushed 1 with great trepidition. Early phone calls are scary for me! Bottom line...I am to stay on the same dose of Follistim for tonight 175 units! BUT...I am to add the Ganirelix. Did you know it goes intto he belly? Do you know how much that will hurt? Do you realize I am insane...thought so...but please...keep reading.

Deflated...

Perhaps Sara is right. Perhaps it will be closer to 8 weeks after all. Or perhaps I am spinning my wheels. I know fullfillment can be found without children, so why do I keep heading North every day for a 7:30 arrival only to have my hopes dashed come 2:30? Yesterday I was hopeful. My numbers after 5 days of injections doubled nicely. My body did exactly what it was supposed to do. I came to work today with a smile on my face. Everything was going swimmingly. Then the call came in...

Your number is only 122. Increase your dose to 175 units. Come in tomorrow for more blood work.

I am on CD 9....6 days of injections ranging from 100-125 units, and I have an E2 of 122. Something tells me there won't be any eggs in my Easter basket this year.

You have GOT to be KIDDING ME!

Dr. T's office is trying to kill me I have decided. With Dr. K's office things were predictable. 7:15 blood work and ultrasound on days 3, 6, 9, and if needed CD 12. Phone call to follow between the hours of 12:30 and 2 at the latest. I like predictability. I also liked not having to drive 25 miles to and from the doctors office just to be poked for the umpteenth time in 3 days...but I digress. I am sorry. Please continue reading, and please understand I am hanging on by a thread, but there is a giant hand above it holding the scissors.

So...at 1:15 p.m. when my cell phone began sounding out the chords of the Cheers Theme I was a bit shocked to say the least. When I answered the phone I expected Christy. I expected bad news. After all why would she be calling so early? Yes I have these dillusions...but over all I am relatively normal...I think. Anyway...quit distracting me.

It wasn't Christy at all. Instead it was Liane. She was the original nurse I met when I first sought Dr. Tippets assistance. Let me just say...each of the phone nurses seems to have this in common...in person they are friendly, and happy, and even a bit over interested. Yet on the phone they seem to sprout horns and breathe fire, and Liane was no exception.

She informed me that my LH was now 3.1 Now excuse me...but I was at 7.3 on Wednesday of last week. How does one drop 4.2 points in 5 days when the LH should be increasing the closer we get to ovulation? If anyone has any insight I would be thrilled with an answer. My E2 however has mroe than doubled, and is now over 100 after 5 days of stimmulation! It is now 112, and according to the chart after 5 days should be over 100.

Oh, and I have to go back up tomorrow morning. Same time...same place...same channel. For what you ask? Oh well I need yet more blood work. I think at this point I would gladly accept them putting in a heprin lock...it might be easier for all involved...

So Anyway...

Back to the numbers game we go. I guess for the preservation of my sanity...what little is left of it anway, I really should stop asking for my numbers. I knew on Saturday that my numbers weren't what they wanted them to be, because they upped my doseage. That should have sufficed but nope not for me. It kind of like picking at a scab...you know it may hurt, and you know it may bleed but you just can't help yourself.

"Mia" kind of caught herself as she told me my latest E2. "Its 51" she said almost with an audible grimace. Then she quickly flipped the sheet to see what my CD 3 numbers were. "Well look at that, it doubled. We want to see it double. Oh and look today we do an LH check" Talk about trying to change the subject. As I sat there and watched her draw blood from an already sore vein I racked my brain trying to remember my numbers of previous cycles and it seems to me that at this juncture I was already over 80.

Of course when I arrived at my office I immediately went to find a chart with numbers on them. At this point I would accept any numbers. Speed limits, legal drinking age, median age at marriage. Anything with numbers that would tell me that 51 isn't bad. Of course that ment I had too find an E2 graph, which was easier said than done. Three google searches later I was successful.

Estradiol (E2) Day 4-5 of meds 100+ pg/ml or 2x Day 3 There are no charts showing E2 levels during stimulation since there is a wide variation depending on how many follicles are being produced and their size. Most doctors will consider any increase in E2 a positive sign, but others use a formula of either 100 pg/ml after 4 days of stims, or a doubling in E2 from the level taken on cycle day 3.

So I doubled but I am not at 100, but also I wasn't at 4 days of stims till Sunday. I just started them on Wednesday so I was only 3 days out. Perhaps this means that all is well? I just don't know what to think. "Mia" seemed torn...YES we have doubling...but OH your only at 51. Sigh.

It's funny because I have been convincing myself that I could feel my L ovary, but with an E2 of 51 that is obviously my wild imagination. Sara has also changed her prediction. No longer is the baby going to get in my belly in 5 weeks. She says now...maybe 8. At least we can rest assured we won't be selling her talents to the Enquirer...

It All A Numbers Game...

Fertility and pregnancy all come down to where the numbers of certain tests fall. Be them a range for blood work, or the crown to rump measurement of a growing embryo (or is it a fetus by that point?). Sometimes these numbers give us great joy, and other times those same numbers can give us and those who we have invited into our lives great sorrow. What is worse is when one gets the numbers they hoped for, and another gets devastating news.

If you would please go see Babe and give her your support. Like me she had some testing done both last week and this week, and while mine are looking up hers sadly are not. Perhaps after you read her story you will be able to say "Ah but wait this happened to me and it didn't end that way" Or perhaps you have a similar story and can give her some insight on how to make the pain go away. Keep her and her family in your prayers as the move forth through the journey of the unknown.

It hard for me too feel helpless for her, and yet still thinking so positively for me. Yet, as we all know through our own disappointments and set backs our own cycles don't stop when someone else gets devastating news. So while I wish I didn't have any news, I have some regarding my own numbers game.

Today I went for my CD 6 blood work. I was the first person into the office. In this regard I LOVE the office. There is no need to make an appointment for blood work. You show up, you sign in and are then taken back in the order in which you have arrived. Once again it was Vampira's day to do the deed. She kind of reminds me of Mia Farrow pre pixie cut while staring in Rosemary's Baby. Odd isn't it too be trying to become pregnant and the lab tech looks like that. Anyway...I am getting myself off track. She took me back to the lab chair that I have become so involved with and "strapped" me down. I asked her if she knew my labs from the other day. She said she did and then disappeared. When she came back she handed me a piece of paper with the information written on it.

"If I were cycling I would want to know as well" She said with a smile as she grabbed the needle that she had difficulty poking me with at our first juncture. I was so pleased with her doing up my numbers that I didn't even ask for a butterfly. Instead I tried not to flinch as she poked me...knowing that I will wind up with a bruise this time.

She wrote on the paper that my E2 was 24. My FSH was 4.9 and my Lh was 7.3 I asked her if that was normal? Seeing as no one has ever explained what my CD 3 numbers have been or what they should be.

E2 she explained should be below 50. If its higher than that you very likely won't respond to stimulation and won't cycle. I checked on the internet, and found that below 50 is ideal, but that anything under 80 is cycleable and that the closer to 25 that you are the better you will respond! Can't get much closer 25 without being spot on I suppose.

FSH should be below 10, and again the lower the better. This was confirmed also by my internet source. I have no idea what my FSH levels were at Dr. Kauma's, but I am feeling confident with a number like that.

LH should be below 7. However having PCOS we know that I always have elevated LH levels. Hence why OPK's rarely work for me! I relayed this to Vampira, but she said a 7.3 isn't really that high, and that I should expect no problems from it. She then went on to tell me that on Monday they will start checking my LH again to make sure I don't prematurely ovulate, and that I will likely start my Ganirelix on that day. I thanked her then and wished her a happy weekend. I left the office and rode the elevator down to the first floor. Part of me cheering because I KNOW with the surgery fixing my problems, and the doctor checking more than my E2 levels (Dr. Kauma never did an LH number!) that I am going to become pregnant. If not this cycle then surely within the 3 we have allotted.

I don't anticipate a call regarding todays numbers until Monday. Christy said only to expect a call if there was a drastic change in my protocal. So on Monday I will get my CD 6, and CD 8 numbers at the same time. I periodically feel twinges in my ovaries, and some tell tale bloating. Yet other times I think its just my imagination, and wanting to know that everything going swimmingly...but as we know all to well...even when things are swimming along nicely all it takes is a change in one number to take you from the top of the world to the bottom of the heap again...

Well I wouldn't call this a dramatic change in protocol...but I got a call none the less. of course I didn't hear my cell phone ring so I didn't actually get to speak to a person. Instead I heard the voice mail "This is Dr. Tippets office, please increase your Follistim by 25 units and we will see you on Monday for more blood work" So I can't help but think that perhaps I am not responding as well as they would like? But then I am only on CD 6, and day 4 of stimulation. I need too chill...

Another One?

If I could live in the world that my sleeping mind creates I would be one happy person. Minus of course the dreams where I am driving too fast or I am in a plane that suddenly enters in to a spin, but I digress. My favorite dreams by far are the ones where I am a momma, and last nights was no exception. At first I gave it no creedence other than my mind being in baby mode...until that is I told Jake about it...

On our bed there is a baby girl. She has dark hair, not an overabundence, but that new born hair that is soft and lays close to the crown.

She is still wearing her hospital t-shirt.

You know the kind. The ones with the long sleeves and the mittens.

I hear Jacob in the bathroom. I look at the baby and know she is mine but I don't know her name. I can't remember my own baby's name. Gently I wrap her in a blanket and snuggle her close. I take her to the bathroom where Jacob is shaving.

"I can't remember the baby's name" I tell him.

"We named her Melissa" He tells me without missing a beat.

"Melissa? I didn't want to name her Melissa, I wanted to call her Elizabeth"

He just shrugs.

I slowly decend the steps with my daughter and see my mother in law

clipping coupons on the couch. My father in law watching television from the love seat.

"Can you take her?" I ask

"Sure" she says, putting down the sissors and the paper.

"Her daddy and I need to take a shower"

End of the dream.

Innocuous right? Everyone dreams of "normal" life...though I don't know if forgetting your childs name is normal, but hey it was my dream. Then I tell Jacob about it. Now we at times have talked about names but when it came too a girls name it was always agreed. She would be called Elizabeth Suzanne (the reverse basically of my names). We have never deviated, or so I thought. When I told him her name he says "are you kidding me?" Uhm nope...the dream was vivid and felt real. He says to me "I have always thought if we had a baby that perhaps you would change your mind and we could call her Melissa"

OOH GROSS...A Meeting of the Cobalts...and how many eggs for Easter?

That certainly was a BIG long title wasn't it? Gosh.

So today as we all know, since we can count and because I told you is cycle day 3. On this "monumental day" hubby and I had to get up and drive an hour north so I could be wanded. We arrived at the office at 7:15 only too find its halls darkened. Jacob "yelled" at me as I flipped the switch, thus shedding some much needed light on the situation. Then we waited. Promptly at 7:30 the office lights flipped on, and the lock popped letting the three of us in the hall know that we were now allowed to enter. Shortly after inscribing my name on the sign in sheet the lab tech called me back. After she drew my blood in a highly unconventional way I asked if the ultrasound tech was in? "Not yet, but when she arrives you're first" Great...this is something else I miss about Dr. Kauma's office. If your appointment was at 7:30 you could show up at 7:15 and if the ultrasound tech was ahead of schedule you could be taken back. Not here however...she didn't waltz in until 7:40, and that was only because she thought she had an 8 a.m. appointment. Apparently Christy forgot to tell her that I was going to be there early.

Ok, so I strip naked for the ultrasound and so it begins. In the middle of it, I felt the tell tale warmth. I knew what was happening, but was in a prone position and to be honest there is no way to stop it. When she was done she not only had to wash the wand that YES was covered with a sheath, but also the table, the floor, and the step up too the table with antibiotic/antibacterial cleanser. I was so embarressed. Hopefully the next time I have to appear Aunt Flo has heeded my advice and is headed to someone elses house...someone on the pill who is expecting her...not someone who wants to be pregnant!

The meeting of the Cobalts. I got too meet a fellow blogger last night, her name is Kathy, and we drive the same car...well she has the 4 door sedan, and I have the 2 door coupe Sport...but its the same car dang it. If you click her name you will be taken to her blog which happily has changed from infertility following miscarriage too pregnancy! We figured Fuddruckers was a safe bet. Heck it was Tuesday, who would be at Fuddruckers on a Tuesday? Apparently everyone! They pulled a Subway. Tuesday nights are now bargain night. For $6 you get a 1/2 pound slab of meat, fries, and a drink. Talk about a deal! While we waited for our food..one of us longer than the other...sorry Kathy...we chatted and go too know each other. We sat there for at least 2 hours and got caught up on each others comings and goings that aren't nessessarily part of our blogs. I don't know about her, but I can't wait to do it again...and next time I suppose we can bring the husbands.

Lastly Easter Eggs. Out of curiosity I counted 14 days from CD 1, and it happens to fall on Easter Sunday! Now I know that just because its CD 14 that it doesn't mean that is the day I will ovulate, but wouldn't that be fun. On so many levels...the Christian side for Christ rose from the dead after three days--and while my obtaining a pregnancy wouldn't be at the same caliber as that miracle it would run a close second maybe. On the fun this is me level...I think it would be fun when we finally announce the pregnancy to be able to dye some eggs pink and blue and give them in little baskets along with the ultrasound. I know, I know...stop counting those eggs before the hatch!

I will update later when the nurse calls to tell me the dose of my meds, and when too return. I am hoping for Saturday because I don't think that Jacob would be real thrilled with doing this again this week!

UPDATE...FINALLY AFTER 3 P.M. THE NURSE FINALLY CALLS. I AM TOO BEGIN 100 UNITS OF FOLLISTIM TONIGHT. I WILL CONTINUE ON THIS DOSEAGE THROUGH FRIDAY. ON SATURDAY MORNING I GO IN FOR BLOOD WORK. IF ALL IS WELL I SHALL CONTINUE ON THIS DOSEAGE. IF I GET A PHONE CALL WE SHALL CHANGE THE DOSAGE. SUNDAY WILL REMAIN THE SAME AS SATURDAY. ON MONDAY I WILL GO BACK IN FOR ADDITIONAL BLOOD WORK, AND I WILL IMAGINE THAT AT THIS POINT WE WILL ADD MY GANIRELIX. AND YES FOLKS...I WAS HYPER AND PARANOID FOR THOSE HOURS BETWEEN LUNCH AND THE PHONE CALL....

Silly Grins...

I am wearing the silliest grin right now. You would think that I just got my BFP instead of AF just arriving. I feel like I need to pinch myself to make sure I am not dreaming. Ouch, that hurt so yes this is real.

Aunt Flo, you are welcome too stay for exactly no more than 6 days. I know that doesn't seem like enough time, but believe me after that we will both be sick of each other. I would like to say that I will see you again soon but lets be honest. I really don't like you that much, and your arrival means that once again there is no baby on board. So I will tell you what. You make youself at home. Enjoy the ambience, take in a movie, perhaps a glass or two of wine-you will find the bottle in the refridgerator door next too the Vodka. Then when its time to go, pack up quickly and try to leave your room as you found it...clean and empty--ready for the next guest. Enjoy your stay!

Ok, so now that the old business is out of the way its on to new business. I called the doctors office. Christy answers, but didn't identify herself. So I was pleasantly surprised when I asked to speak to her or leave a message for her that it was she. She was pleasant, and asked me to hold on when I identified my issue. I suppose that perhaps I may have been too hard or harsh on her when I complained about the attitude I perceived the other day. Heck, we all have bad days and the last two times I have had need to chat with her she has ben very amiable.

Meanwhile, after she pulled my chart she said I could come in for my baseline either tomorrow CD 2 or on Wednesday CD 3. I chose CD 3. Only because my boss isn't here today, and I know Jake would not be happy if I told him tonight that we have to drive to Wexford tomorrow. Time wise this works better for all she had too offer me was an 8:45 on Tuesday, or a 7:30 on Wednesday. Given that I will already be late from the drive to Wexford I opted for the earliest time possible, and of course I plan to arrive early enough that maybe just maybe I will still be on time for work.

I also took the opportunity to ask about the administration of the Ganirelix. She said its administered like the Ovidrel. Which means the belly? Am I right? Help me out ladies who have used Ganirelix before. I use my thigh for the Ovidrel simply because of the size of the needle...but I believe that the method of choice is the belly. She also stated that I would start the Ovidrel appx 5 days after the onset of Follistim...so that will be CD 8.

My minds eye makes me grin more, for I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and in the light is a dancing baby. Not the kind from Alli McBeal, but rather a robust little girl who has blond hair, fair skin, and who looks like her daddy who just so happens to be my husband. Oh yes, that makes me grin.

Springing Ahead...

While part of me is still in old time...waiting for SOMETHING to happen to get this cycle started and too move on. The clocks still sprung ahead an hour, no hold ups there! Let me say, I am excited about the time change. We get more day light, which means that I will no longer be leaving work only to have it be dark an hour later. Plus, spring is just around the corner. Which also means that Rita's Ice will be open! My name is Susan and I have an addiction LOL. Soon too I will be able to begin thinking about opening the swimming pool. Oh yes, springing ahead is the start of a great time of year!

Still in old time however is me waiting for AF. With my last pill of Provera ingested I keep hoping that it will be any moment now, but every trip to the bathroom yields nothing. There are some signs that she is making an attempt at arrival but so far she has not been too eager to move in. Soon she will be here, and soon we can move on which leads me to my next plot point...

There was an article that was stating how the mind can "cure" the body. How many people turn to prayer during illness, and how science is beginning to take notice. It went on to say how patients can convince themselves that they are laying on a beach under the sun. Once their brain patterns change there is a physical change in their temperature. It also was comparing this too making yourself sick, how you can convince yourself that you are going to get a cold, or the flu. So they are testing it in reverse...to heal ones self.

So I plan too put this to the test this cycle. I have already begun. In the past...in old time....I always knew the IUI cycles would be a bust. The only one that wasn't was the first when I had the chemical pregnancy...BUT I just KNEW that it would be a success. So perhaps there is some credence to this theory of mind over matter. Thus, as we spring ahead in time I too am springing ahead. I am visualizing being pregnant. I am visualizing sperm meeting egg(s). I am visualizing me being pregnant. I am positive that since the surgery was successful and since I have tangible proof by way of those photographs that we will become pregnant. I am so convinced that it will work to the point where I KNOW I am going to have twins. I can visualize them in my head.

The skeptical side of me wants to say "of course it may not work" but I am trying hard to keep those thoughts out of my head. So I instead am thinking...its gonna work...its gonna work...its gonna work. Even so, I am not ready to remove my count down ticker for our trip to Cedar Point just yet...but believe me I would rather trade the Millenium Force for bed rest!

Unlike TV Land...

I was talking to a friend about the infertility roller coaster yesterday, and I said this is like a TV drama that goes on season after season but there is no summer hiatus or benefit of a writers strike. Yet you keep watching not because you like the plot or the characters, but because you just want to know how it ends.

Given that, here is today’s episode…

I took my last Provera pill this morning. Boy was that a HUGE mistake. I usually take them at night, and there are little side effects with the exception of some major exhaustion early the next morning that lasts until the early evening when I can take a cat nap. So I don’t know why I decided to deviate from that path today other than perhaps I was just looking too change things up.

Again, this was to be a huge mistake. While I am not tired, I am however hot. Hot doesn’t even begin to cover it. The bat cave of course can’t get cool enough even when I put the thermostat on 60 degrees and hope for the best. Then there are the gastrointestinal effects, which may or may not be attributed too the Metformin that I took at the same time as the Provera, but since I am blaming all the other side effects on it, this one sounds good too.

Today was also confession day. Appropriate since we are 2 Friday’s away from Easter I suppose. You see today I gave up my secret. I told my sister that my meds have arrived, and told her the same lame joke about there being 10 refills, and if I ended up with more than twins I hoped that my nephew likes having ugly siblings because I will give some away. Her response “Why would he mind? I certainly didn’t” For her second show she said “I hope you have quads. I will drop things on the floor on purpose just to see if you can pick them up” Remind me the next time she asks me to baby sit to say no.

I also told a co-worker whom I affectionately call “mom”. One of her own daughters is my age and lives in New York, so I have unofficially been adopted. She gave me the response that I would love to get from my own mother. Immediate she smiled and said “this one will work” Oh how I hope she is right! She wanted details, when did I have to go back to the doctors? What all will this entail? When will we know that it worked. Oh how I wish I got these responses from my own family!

From my friend Gail she said “I wondered if you would try again.” While I wondered “Why didn’t you ever ask?” After all we often feel like no one is watching our on going drama but ourselves. Then she said “You know the other day Liane said she was praying for you” This can take on many different reasons…but she said she was praying that I was able to become pregnant and have that baby that I always wanted. This is especially touching because no one knew we were ready to jump the fence again.

What is equally astounding to me is that all this time I thought I was alone on the ride. The ups and downs were my own, save a few comments from my readers here and there. Yet in the middle of our latest uphill portion of the ride I looked around and there people were. Perhaps not sitting next too me, but sitting in the cars near me cheering and yelping with each dip and turn that I take.

The on going drama some day will come to an end and like Seinfeld I will know when its time to pull the plug. Because like Seinfeld only I will know when its time to go, and I want to go while I am still on top…

Susan Never Got Too...

It’s very unusual for someone who wanted children and has them too “get it” but it’s even more so for someone who admittedly never wanted them to understand. So when my friend told me the story that will follow it was hard for me to not start crying:

One of our secretaries as I have mentioned in previous entries is pregnant, the pregnancy of course was very much a surprise. The day that she told us, I put on the mask of perseverance and hid all the emotion that was churning just under the surface. G however saw through it, and as I went back to the bat cave to hide behind the cover of my desk she followed me. The look she gave me was quizzical. I knew that she didn’t understand how I would feel dejected. After all at that moment we weren’t actively TTC, nor at that moment was there going to be another opportunity on the horizon. Yet for me it felt as if Lisle was Charlie and she found the last golden ticket.

I explained to G that it wasn’t that L was pregnant. No, I am thrilled that there will be another soul in the world. For its not the resulting baby that bothers me, but the fact that she gets too announce it. After all she was only 7 weeks along. She had just come from her first and only blood test, and first of what will amount to two ultrasounds. Yet she had the confidence that not being infertile brings. The stick turns blue you are 100% sure you are pregnant and its time too announce it to the world because in 9 months you are bringing a baby home. For me, when I get pregnant I can’t tell anyone in the real world, let alone work! What if it’s the trigger giving me a false positive? What if I miscarry again? What if the doctor says there is a problem? What’s and if’s are too great, and from experience I know what can and does happen. No, for me telling the world will have to wait until what…12? 13? 14 weeks? Or will they find out when my belly gives away the secret that I have been afraid too tell? She nodded in agreement, but the look on her face told me she still thought I was a little selfish.

Then last week, on Tuesday to be precise I was out with the flu. It was on that day that L bound into G’s office with a piece of paper in hand. She laid it on her desk and asked her what she thought. G looked at the paper and saw there were two columns. Written at the top were the labels GIRLS NAMES and BOYS NAMES. She said her immediate thought was “I am glad Susan isn’t here today.” Followed by “I wonder what kind of mood Susan would need to be in to get through this” She said as she looked through the list and commented appropriately that it was then that she was awash with an odd sadness. Then when she handed the list back to Lisle she realized what it was. She said for the first time she realized “It’s unfair because Susan has never gotten to do this”

I have had many friends in real life that I showered affection and interest on during their pregnancies and the babies after. Several were aware of the trips to the GYN, and then the RE’s, and even the miscarriages. Yet even those who went through the struggle of infertility and over came it seemed to have lost understanding once their children were born. Its like infertility is a land you visit, but that you never make home. Yet it took someone who doesn’t know that we are going to be trying again, who never wanted her own babies to understand what it may be like for someone who has never gotten too…

I hope that this cycle is a success. I am actually visualizing the blog I will write when it is. I vacillate between taking a test and when its + taking a photo and letting that speak for its self. Or should I pee in a cup and dip this stick while video taping it for all too share? I may never get too…but you never know, I might…but for now at least I walk around with a fuller heart because there is someone out there who gets it, and that is priceless…

Mail Call!!!

After a brief moment of panic when we pulled into the drive tonight I finally spied the big box that awaited me. Usually the UPS man would place the box behind the pillar of the porch which is where my eyes immediately looked, but today they just set it in front of the door. It was Jacob who alleviated my panic by drawing my attention there. "Wow, I don't think I have ever gotten a box that big before!" I said to him. I couldn't wait to get it into the house.

I gingerly cut the wire bound paper tape and reviewed the packing label. 5-Garlinex, 2-Ovidrel, 4-300 IU Follistim AQ, 4-900 IU Follistim, 1 Sharps Container, 1 Follistim Pen, and 100 Alcohol pads. Certainly there has to be a mistake I thought. Dr. Kauma never ordered me this many meds! I am used to getting 2-600 IU Follistim AQ and 1 Ovidrel, but no the packing slip matches the contents. Jacob immediately suggested Ebay...and yes, he was kidding of course. My immediate thought was 10 refills, holy cow how many babies does this doctor think I want?

Jacob and I also talked about when to start my Provera last night. He is excited but nervous I think. For at first he said it was up to me, and then he said "I thought you wanted to loose more weight first" I asked why I couldn't have both? TTC and exercise are not mutually exclusive, and since I want to join a water aerobics class that is surely something I can do pregnant. So we decided together that unless there is any spotting that doesn't yield a period that the date shall be....Monday March 10th, with AF arriving approx March 18th, with an ovulation window beginning March 28th, and ending April 2nd. Thus if we are lucky we could be bringing our baby home in either late December or early January.

Of course I am trying to be cautious as well, for I don't want too be accused of counting my eggs before they hatch, fertilize, implant and become a baby...but there I go getting ahead of myself again.

*Oh how my body thinks it knows what is best! Spotting began this evening, and became heavier at the gym. Not AF like...but heavier. So Provera has begun! We move everything up by 1 week, but we will survive!!!

A New Energy...

I am a wash with an energy that we have seen and felt in Familyoftwo land before. Yet with each pass it feels as new and promising as the first time it was felt. Perhaps I am a bit niave, but I can't help but be jazzed today. I feel that this will be the cycle that works because of everything that could have messed it up along the way! Including a few near misses with the cycle all together!

Let me back up so you get a better view. I had my blood work done on Saturday morning to test for ovulation. The nurse said she would call me with the results today. Well instead of her voice greeting me on the voice mail it was that of my pharmacist instead. Christy had called in my order for my med. At a cost of $95, and only being paid for 60 hours this week I certainly was NOT in a position to whip out the credit card and yell triumphantly CHARGE IT!!! Instead I asked if I could wait until Friday to order them. They said not a problem. Then she informs me that Dr. Tippets office likes to have them shipped to his office directly. I asked if it was possible to send them to me...but she said that would require permission from the office directly. Of course at this juncture a million and one things go through my head...I will have to drive 45 minutes to get meds that I have paid $100 for. $100? That seems right, but what if they ordered extra meds to help those who don't have insurance coverage (my coverage pays for unlimited vials...so for $35 I can in theory get the max dose of Follistim no questions asked). So right away I go off and post this hypothosis for my support group and then sat and waited for responses.

In the middle of that delusion Christy calls to tell me that my blood work showed what we had anticipated. NO OVLATION. Me being me said "See, I told you so" And nurse mean laughed. They sure do keep me guessing over there! She went on to tell me that Dr. Tippet prescribes Provera for 5 days instead of 10, but to be helpful she will call in a script of 15 so if I need them in the future I will already have them! Holy helpful with out being asked Batman. We then discussed where my meds were to be shipped, and she said the only reason they do that is many people need lessons but since I didn't she would tell them to ship them to me. Again, talk about stepping up the game girl friend!

After hanging up with her my phone rings again a few moments later. Not surprising as it has not stopped all day. Its Medmark again. They wanted to let me know that Christy had called them and that they would be shipping my meds out. The last question "Would you like to charge this, or would you like us to bill you?" I almost started to cry...bill me? You mean send me a bill? As in I can send you a check in 2 weeks when I am not 20 hours short in a pay check? Are you serious? *Yes this was an inner monolouge*. "Bill me" I almost shouted. "Mrs. Langer you meds will be overnighted to you this evening. They will be waiting for you tomorrow"

I can't believe it, even as my heart beats out of my chest that we are here again. In under a year that we got to this spot. From no hope without IVF, too a physician who recognized that there was a need to correct a possible problem and who is willing to listen. For the first time in a long time I feel like the sun has come up, and that it is shining with great potential on a new day!

Vampira...KidAPalooza...Other weirdness....

The alarm screached at 7 a.m., notifying me for the first time in a week that I was required to be somewhere thus my slumber was over. After a quick shower I jumped in to the car and headed North. Normally my trek would have taken me via the Parkway with northern connection on 279, but since one of our bridges was on the verge of collapse they needed to shut down the East Bound Parkway so instead I headed for the turnpike. Oh yes, our tax dollars at work and yet it still cost me $2 to drive 3 exits one way. Oh well, at least there was no co pay.

I arrived at Dr. T's office not quite knowing what to expect. There were more cars in the parking lot than I would have expected on a Saturday at 9 a.m so I anticipated a wait. When I arrived in the office there were three other women, and one man who refused to look at anything but the carpet in the waiting room. Before I could flip open my cell phone to play Pac Man I found myself alone. One woman left, and the two others had already been called back so that it made it my turn.

"Vampira" was the same tech who drew my first labs...remember if you will that she poked me THREE TIMES before getting it right. After she called me back she says "Oh wow, you haven't had a period since February 1st, isn't this exciting? Are you excited?" Uhm, no not really because A. I didn't have a period on February 1st it was actually January 5th (yes I said this) and B. Because the longer it takes for my period to start the longer it is before I can actually try to skip one because I have actually gotten pregnant. Making a lab tech stammer an apology is not only amusing, but also worth the $2 each way to the lab on a Saturday on the Pennsylvania Turn Pike. After she was done I reminded her of our last encounter and requested that we begin with a butterfly needle. She then proceeded to tell me that Christy (nurse mean) had given her some "pointers" on how to secure a sample. Uhm, if memory serves you said you had been doing this for 15 years and you just NOW decided to get some pointers. What have I become involved in? What ever pointers she got I will say that at this juncture she was successful with the first and only stick that I required to give her my vial. At which point she says "You make this almost too easy" Again, not reassuring in the least.

When I got home I changed into play shoes and proceeded to take my niece and nephew to KidAPalooza. Erica (their mom) was also to attend, but due to her own bout with the flu was unable to attend. So it was me, them, and a bizzillion other people who decided to escape the cabin fever days of winter by heading Downtown. I was excited to discover that another childless friend had opted to take her nieces to the event as well. So now not only did Sara have some new playmates, but I had an adult too talk to. Timothy had the thrill of his small life by watching Bob the Builder and Friends sing and dance live. Of course Sara's favorite part were the freebies...which leads us to the last sub plot of my title...Other Weirdness....

As is the case with most convention center shows there are freebies, and this being a "show" for kids you expect no less, but you expect them to be for the children. You know, sign them up for this school because....buy them this mac and cheese because...and there were those sure...but then there was one that was handed to me. As we were leaving I stopped to put everyones coats, hats and gloves back on when this woman walks up to me. She hands me a full size calendar and says to me "You will want this for you and your baby" I said thank you, took it and then looked at it. Expecting it to be something relevant to Timothy who is now 15 months old. Instead it is a memory calendar for your PREGNANCY and babies FIRST THREE MONTHS. When I looked back up to see where she came from she was GONE, and I don't remember seeing a booth geared towards pregnant woman and or infants...Hmm...