The Good...The Bad...and the Papsmear

Well the moment we have all been waiting for...ok, so the moment I have been waiting for. I had my appointment with Dr. Tippet.

The good: There was NO ONE in the waiting room. Which was surprising considering that this doctor specializes in BOTH GYN and Infertility issues. The staff was fabulously friendly, and attentive. They went out of their way too make us feel comfortable.

The bad: The lab nurse. FOUR sticks! FOUR. It took FOUR TIMES for her to get TWO vials of blood! If I draw a ) on the left crook of my arm I will have this :) After the first three sticks I told her she had ONE MORE SHOT. She would need to use a butterfly needle, and if she couldn't get it then I was done. Write me a script and I would take it to my lab at work. Finally the fourth time was the charm, and with butter fly needle impaled in my arm blood finally spurted into the vials. He is running a pregnancy test, p4, and E2

The papsmear: I don't have to the "regular" gyn on Monday because its DONE. He did the smear, and then tested for any bacteria that may be living in the nether regions. The only thing I didn't like was that he didn't "warn" me before doing anything. Which bothered me...but he was thorough, and his bed side manner and attentiveness is amazing. He said that on physical exam everything was NORMAL. WOO HOO

Jacob and I met with him in his consult office prior too the smear and after. We discussed at length my past medical history...which Dr. Kauma STILL hasn't sent over! But Dr. Tippet said I have a great sense of what I have been through. He even questioned Jacob about his "issues" and when we told him what Dr. Kauma had ruled on his morphology and motility, Dr Tippet rolled his eyes. He said that he is not at all concerned about 57% morphology, and 53% motility with a count over 100 million. So that was VERY reassuring.

He went on to say that given that my last lap was in 2000, that I have a 50/50 shot that my endometriosis has returned AND THAT IS THE REASON I DIDN'T GET PREGNANT WITH TREATMENT. His other belief is in LP treatment, and NOT just treating the woman until ovulation and "hoping for the best" after insemination. He WILL do a P4 after ovulation. He WILL prescribe HCG boosters AND Progesterone In Oil. He WILL do beta's before anything is ceased.

I am too cease my Tricor immediately. He said that it is an embryosomething (big clinical name) and that it poisons the embryo from conception. Jacob was very decisive about this...I am not too take it any more. I am also to start prenatal vitamins immediately. I have 6 to try and decide which I like.

Finally...if my pregnancy test is negative, I will start Provera within the next week. Once AF comes I am too call the office and the following Tuesday I am too undergo a laparscopy and hysteroscopy. We will then induce the next cycle, and then...drum roll...we will start back up on Follistim w/HCG, and we will be trying to conceive the old fashioned way...with a few extra needle marks in the belly and thighs. He also said that he is VERY optimistic that with a laparscopy, and a few cycles that I will finally be able to announce my pregnancy. I am guessing about 6 months...but boy or girl will it be worth it!

Are You Feeling Better?

This is a question you should never ask a woman of reproductive age. Especially when said woman has been married for a little over a year to a dental student, and was on the pill. Never ask this question because you just know the answer that you are going to get is "Did you hear the news?" This was a lesson I learned the hard way today.

Sickness has be swirling around the clinic in one form or another. We have bronchitus, we have sinusitus, we have a stomach virus. So it never occured to me that when one of our new secretaries went home early yesterday with the "flu" that she could actually be pregnant. Silly me. So today when I was standing in the door way of 1/3 and 3/3's office I extended common courtesy "Are you feeling better?" She turns around and smiles and says yes. Then appears to be re-entering the portal of hell, I mean the inner administration offices, but she stops and comes physically into my space.

"Did you hear the news?" She asks.

Immediately my eyes drop to her belly. Is that a paunch?

"Im having a baby. Well in 7 months I am having a baby"

"Oh wow, congratulations!" Those words tripped out of my mouth so easily.

"Well, its scary because we weren't ready. It was a surprise"

What I wanted to say "well lucky you. Perhaps next time you should consider a condom" Instead, I came back to my office, where now I write this post. One day closer I am convinced to AF than I was yesterday. Not quite sure what day post ovulaton I might be...but certainly convinced that enough have gone by for AF to show up soon. I hate having PMS, and I hate being a woman some times. For I know if this was Jacob's secretary telling him that she was pregnant that he would say "and?" then be on his way. No tears, no need for a communal pity party, and for sure no danger of being yelled at on the way home from work just because he is the on in front of me that I can unload on...life is just so not fair.

The Appointment...That Wasn't...

My old beloved GYN abandoned me for Quatar, but during our last visit together he complained bitterly about the associates that he partnered with. Oh how he wished he hadn't sold his soul and partnered with these two men. They didn't call people from their own homes as he did. They didn't offer Saturday appointment as he did, and even requested that he stop. They didn't, in his opinion offer common courtesy to their patients, and this annoyed Dr. Alonzo. Yet when my appointment reminder card arrived in the mail a few weeks ago I dialed the number reluctantly. I need my annual, and the idea of changing practices again did not thrill me.

My appointment was for today at 4:30. I requested an hour of PTO time and gingerly left my office at 3:30 for the 20 minute walk from my hospital to Magee. I arrived at 3:50, and checked in. At this point no one mentioned that Dr. Chicora had patients (please note the plural) in labor. It wasn't until 4:20 when they were calling in the patient who had been doubly scheduled during my time did they mention to either of us that this was the case. They gave us the option of waiting or rescheduling.

Well how long does delivering a baby usually take? 30 minutes per baby if everything goes well. So I opted to reschedule, at first. Then the more I thought about it, the doctor knew he was on call today, and opted instead too have an all day clinic. Secondly the doctor also knew well before my appointment time that he had women in labor yet didn't bother to have his staff alert me to this fact until 10 minutes before my appointment time. So from the car I called and canceled my rescheduled appointment. I am going to find a new gyn, yet again. Thank God we have Highmark Blue Cross Blueshield insurance because 90% of all physicians in the greater Pittsburgh area participate with our insurance. So guess what I will be doing tomorrow?

I know this sounds like a PMSy out burst, and it probably is...but darn it I expect more out of my doctors office than a one hour wait, only to be told 10 minutes before the appointment that the doctor has other obligations. PMSy for sure, as when I wiped this afternoon I had ewcm streaked with red blood, and now I have the tell tail cramps that say AF will be here on Thursday..."sucker..."

Blood Work...Part 2

We interrupt the sinus cold of the year to bring you this important update.

I am now on cycle day 24. No spotting. No PMS. No sore boobs, but mando nausea, and this congestion with out fever. Which in case you were wondering in my insane moment I found is a symptom of pregnancy in some women. Yes I will wait while you point and laugh. Yes, yes I know I have a cold, and with copious amounts of Sudafed PE I should eventually be able to breathe on my own. Until there is blood however I can have what ever day dream I want.

The remainder of my blood work came back today. My Hydroxyprogesterone level was back. Just a reminder: On October 16th, cycle day 16 of all ironies my level was: 1150. Due in part I am sure to the progesterone suppositories I was on...BUT my other levels, LH, and FSH did not indicate ovulation. Now my newest set was taken on cycle day 12 and the numbers while at first were confusing now indicate that ovulate DID occur. Especially my progesterone level.

Here is a quick lesson on the levels: Follicular Stage: 12-90, Luteal 35-290

My level on Cycle day 16....was....drum roll please....196 I OVULATED!!!!

So my guess is, without an OPK or benefit of temping I believe that I am 12 days post ovulation. If I ovulated on cycle day 12. Which drum roll please...is as long as my NORMAL LP.

I plan to take this up with my GYN tomorrow. "Hello my name is Susan, pleased to meet you...now tell me doc did I ovulate?" Instead of prescribing birth control he may prescribe a weeks long stay in Western Psych...but hey, "To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe." Anatole France

Of course now that I shared that...I expect AF to arrive in full force oh tomorrow, or Thursday just to say "sucker..."

I Think I'm Dying...

I seem to have a tummy bug, despite my flu shot. Along with an added bonus of a terrible sinus cold. All I need now is cramps and AF then I will officially have the trifecta going. Blah.

So what else has gone on this weekend? Well I was asked to make a diaper cake for my sister. I made out a list of what I would require. Yet, she insisted that I "tag along" to make sure she got the proper items. How difficult is it to pick up diapers, toys, a few binkies etc? Especially when you are a parent yourself and know what a new born requires to survive their first few weeks on this rock we call the Earth? I did surprisingly well. I walked the isles placing the items in the cart, and for the first time ever I didn't stop too think "When I have my baby..." These moments are coming more and more frequently for me.

Its odd, but I can remember as far back as when my older sister Erica was pregnant with my first nephew how when I would shop for her I would secretly "shop" for me too. Never did I put the items in my cart, but I would always decide what our baby would have. Especially since I was only 23 at the time, and had this delusion that the second I really tried that I would become pregnant. Even as the words infertility entered my vocabulary I still didn't believe that the road would be long. After all Clomid was the miracle drug, and after 5 little pills I would be pregnant...right? Oh how I wouldn't go back to those days if you paid me.

Instead I came home built the cake, and was glad that it came out ok. No tears, no wonder lust, no "what ifs" It was just what it was...

If you will now excuse me, I am going back to dying. I will be back with a "real" post after my doctors appointments this week. Thursday being the big one!!!

Password Protection...

Coming Monday this blog will be password protected.

If you would like to be included on the list I need you too email me.

Familyoftwo98@gmail.com

That is the only way I can add you to my readership list. Its a pain I know. I am sorry. This will allow me to start posting photos of my family, and too use names dates and places more freely.

Thanks for the understanding and continued readership.

*For those who post under annonymous, you will need to "delurk" to be added

New RE...VS Old RE...Smack Down..

Old RE --0--

New RE --1--

I got a phone call today from old RE's office. I was so frustrated with them that they no longer have courtesy from me to have a name. Ok, that is mean. I will be adult about this. Dr. K's office called to tell me that it would be $50 to have my medical record released AND that if I wanted a copy for myself that I would be required to make my own. Now, knowing HIPPA as I do, I know that if you want a copy for yourself that YES they can charge a REASONABLE copy fee, but that if you are requesting direct transfer to a different physician then the charge is a big fat 0. So I called new RE's office and asked their advice.

New RE's office, who I cancelled one appointment with completely, and then rescheduled with two other times said "don't worry about it we will call that office and get this taken care of." I gave them my phone number at work, and proceeded to go sulk too my co worker regarding Dr.K's lack of compassion. We then got busy and I moved on.

After lunch however the phone rings. Its the new RE's NURSE. Yes, the NURSE. She wanted to let me know that my record had been faxed because she called and told them what she needed. I then asked if I could ask a question. See, my cycle is "due" (in quotes because we know how that works when you have PCOS) the week that my appoitment is scheduled and I wanted too know if a vag ultrasound was done that day. She said NO. She then asked how many rounds of Follistim I had undergone. I told her 5 total, 3 with IUI, 1 with timed intercourse, and 1 that we didn't trigger with. I then told her that Dr. K refused me a second laparscopy and NEVER had performed a saline ultrasound, and that IVF was my ONLY OPTION.

The nurse said that based on that alone that I am FAR from IVF being the only option! BUT that their cost is more for an IUI given that they can't code things like Dr. K's office did. I will now be responsible for my E2's, and ultrasounds along with my IUI, which he does 2 and they are $500 a cycle. Plus they charge a $250 "maintenance fee" Gulp. I know, expensive given my $300 cost before! But the meds are STILL covered AND I could resubmit those charges to BCBS and get a reimbursement...but I am putting the cart before the horse...

Let me tell you what else she said...she said that before we even DISCUSS IUI/IVF or any additional ovulation induction that a saline ultrasound WILL be performed. A FOURTH HSG will be performed, and lastly since endo was discovered back in 2000 on my only lap that YES a SECOND will be performed. Then and only then will we discuss ovulation induction and IUI. I did forget to ask about ovarian drilling, but I will have that on my list of things too discuss, and of course J will be there with me, and I am sure he will have questions of his own.

I am well aware that even with those tests that IVF may be the ultimate conclusion, and that I am A-OK with. I will just be glad to know that medically all the I's have been dotted, and all the T's will have been crossed before we make a very expensive move to what we know will ultimately be the last step in this journey, but at least we will know that we didn't bypass any simply because I had a physician who was unwilling to wait another 2-3 months by performing a surgery that I know I may need.

Once again it is proven...what a difference a day makes!

19…29…31 Hutt...Hutt...Hutt

No I am not getting ready for the Super Bowl, I have nothing on Tom Brady. Those double digits equal cycle day or date of an important appointment.

19…Today is cycle day 19. Big deal, nothing monumental is occurring that I can tell. I keep referring to my blood work from 9 days ago, but it is still Greek to me, and all of Dr. Goo gle’s information is based on having those same tests done on CD 3 or CD 21. Not willy nilly on CD 10. So the question remains…have I ovulated? If I did ovulate did DH’s remaining swimmers reach their mark? OOH I had a cramp could that be implantation? Hmm, my boobs may hurt a bit let me poke em’. Hello, you are only on CD 19 even if there was egg + sperm to = fertilization the resulting embryo would be the size of a speck of dust, and unless you are Horton there is no way you would yet be aware of the Who’s existence. Of course that is logical but in the illogical world that is my experience with infertility logic makes the least sense of all so instead I look for anything different at all. Of course when I start spotting that doesn’t become AF I will chalk that up too annovulation and kick myself for not “knowing better” Thank goodness I do not voice this neurosis anywhere but here, for I fear my imminent commitment.

29…That is the date of my annual with the “regular” GYN. There will be no wanding, likely no blood letting, and no talk of FSH, E2, or P4 levels at this appointment. Instead I dread the question “so you don’t have any children. What method of birth control are you using?” I dread this appointment usually as it is, as I have pumped my body full of Clomid, Follistim, HCG, 3 rounds of radioactive dye for HSG’s so I believe that I am tempting fate and that one day instead of getting the all clear card in the mail that instead I am going to get a phone call from the doctor telling me to come back to the office immediately. This go round I dread it even more for my familiar and comfortable GYN has abandoned me for a new practice on a completely different continent. He and I have been through 7 years, 1 miscarriage, and 2 RE’s together. He knew better than to ask what kind of birth control I was on, but was gentle enough to offer a prescription if I needed, no wanted one. Now I have to start all over again. Too answer the questions…10 years infertility, 14 months of Clomid, yes I tried standing on my head and baying at the moon but no that didn’t work either, and yes I know that I am 33 and the biological clock is quickly winding to an end, and yes I blame the fact that I smoked for 5 years, the fact that I am over weight, and the fact that yes I had sex before marriage on my infertility but unless you can fix it stop asking me these questions. Ok, on that not perhaps I do need that sanitarium….

31…finally, is the date of my RE appointment. I don’t know what to expect. I mean I know what to expect, I expect too have the above questions asked and answered yet again only in greater detail and with the potential for tears. Will the outcome be any different? This I do not know. Part of me asks WHY are you doing this again. What can this doctor tell you that Dr. K failed too? You have done the clomid route. You have done the HSG route. You have done the IUI route. IVF is next. You say you have prepared yourself, but is that perhaps the problem? Why if IVF is inevitable do you continue to grasp at straws hoping that this doctor, this doctor whom you have placed sight unseen on a pedestal will tell you anything different than anyone else has? Why does this have to be so hard?

So that is what is going on in my mind folks. Its scary in there isn’t it?

*On a side note, if you wish to continue to read my blog I need you to comment. A co-worker, knowing that our other co-worker and I have blogs has decided to create her own. As such I am going password protected. So if you wish too continue reading just drop a comment so I can add you to the list. Thanks

It Came! It's Here!

My stay of execution arrived. Talk about a sigh of relief!

As anticipated I was never nor do I plan to be a named perpetrator of any unlawful act be it willful or un willful towards a child. Gee, I could have told them that! Oh wait, I did. I mean really I know the drill, after all I have gone through a home study, a finger printing, and at least 3 criminal back ground checks in the last two year period. Its getting to the point now I am sure that the Pennsylvania State Police likely have my name tagged just for the number that have been run under my name and social security number!

So tomorrow I will have to chase down my boss, make two copies of my original paper work, have one signed and faxed to Lucy in Human Resources. While the second will be added too my clinic file for that "just in case" moment that the state would come in and demand proof. Of course it is my understanding that in the 12 years since 1 of 3 has been employed at the clinic that the state has come in oh...never. So I would say my chances of needing to supply the paper at a moments notice is about a slim as me becoming spontaneously pregnant with triplets spawn from aliens...but just in case it happens I am prepared.

Heck, maybe 2008 won't be so bad after all...

Weight A Minute!

This link opened my eyes, and mouth as my jaw dropped and fell to the floor. Thank goodness for carpeting or else I would have bruises and brush burns on my delicate chin.

http://www.healthcentral.com/cholesterol/home-body-fat-test-2774-143.html

Here is what I found out about me. I was over shooting what I wanted, ney needed to loose in order to be healthy.

When I plugged in my figures here is what it determined. FYI, this is based on the "pinch" test that many gyms such as C u r v e s use. This one simply bases the precentage from specific measurements of the body.

33% total body fat. Optimal for a caucasion female is 22%.

My jello weights a total of 72.3 pounds

My skeleton, muscle,and water weigh a total of 145.7 pound

So in order for me to be HEALTHY...not SKINNY I only need to loose a total of 24 pounds!

Now when I last joined the gym I had teh lofty goal of loosing 70 lbs. That was my start to finish goal. Well looking now, had I lost those 70 lbs I would have been incredibly unhealthy. I was at my thinnest (when I was weighing myself) a 160 lbs, and wearing a size 10, and I was unhealthy looking. I looked like I had ematiated. So armed with new information I have set a new goal.

My goal is just as it was before...too loose weight to be healthy, and that amount is the 24 pounds to get me to my optimal 22%, and then an additional 16 pounds for a total of 40 pounds lost. I hope to achieve that by this time next year.

It feels good too dream!

Priceless...

Having blood work done at hospital lab $0 on Master Card (no co pay due)

Having to wait 25 minutes to get blood work done $0 on Master Card, but really annoying.

Having access to blood work when I arrive at work the next day, and having a nurse at my disposal who can decipher the results; Priceless

Luteinizing hormone in blood

Menstruating women:
Follicular phase 1–18 international units per liter (IU/L)
Midcycle peak 8.7–80 IU/L
Luteal phase 0.5–18 IU/L

Day 3 FSH level Interpretation for DPC Immulite assay - 2007
Less than 10 Reassuring level.
Expect a good response to ovarian stimulation.

10 - 12 Fair.
Response is between completely normal and somewhat reduced (response varies widely). Overall, a somewhat reduced live birth rate.

12- 15 Reduced ovarian reserve. Usually show a reduced response to stimulation and some reduction in egg and embryo quality with IVF. Reduced live birth rates on the average.

15 - 20 Generally show a more marked reduction in response to stimulation and usually a further reduction in egg and embryo quality with IVF. Low live birth rates. Antral follicle count a very important consideration.

Over 20 Perhaps a "No go" level in our center. Very poor (or no) response to stimulation. "No go" levels must be individualized for the particular lab assay and IVF center. Antral follicle count a very important consideration.



Lab results from 10/16/07 CYCLE DAY 17

17 Hydroxyprogesterone = 1150

FSH = 0.3

LH = 0.2

Prolactin = 21.2

Lab Results 01/16/2008 CYCLE DAY 10

17 Hydroxyprogesterone = Level not back yet

FSH = 5.6

LH = 8.8

Prolactin = 10.4

Both tests were performed at 9 a.m.

So here is what I surmise folks, and someone correct me if I am wrong… was getting ready to ovulate at that time. I am never one who can determine if I have EWCM, an Open high cervix etc…so I am hopeful, but not completely convinced. What do you all think? Really part of me wants to pop open a bottle of wine, and celebrate…but the other part of me is ready to hit the pharmacy to refill my Provera. Limbo is a dance that should only be under taken while in Hawaii…not while trying valiantly to succeed in conception!

Having a glimmer of hope that maybe just maybe my cystic ovaries sprung forth an egg this cycle...Priceless.

Fake Baby...

I came across a documentary that was posted in its entirety (in 5 part blocks) on U Tube yesterday. I watched in awe as grown women parked in the New and Expectant Mothers spots at the store and wheeled their “babies” around. The title of the documentary “My Fake Baby” Yes, you read that right. If your jaw didn’t hit the pavement yet, it might, or it might not and that is why I write. What is your opinion? Yes I know you need more information and I will explain, and please I want your opinions because I curious as to what others think of this.

Apparently there are artists who take otherwise innocuous baby doll parts; bake them, paint them, weight them, and even go as far as to add breathing; warming or “wiggling” mechanisms to these creatures to make them appear as real as possible. Some are down right adorable, and others are down right scary. They are called Re B-o-R-N-s and apparently there is a huge following for them by people who both collect them and “care for them”

One of the women in England has 5, and at the time of the documentary was flying to Washington too acquire her 6th. To prepare for the trip she and her husband went to the store and purchased 400 pounds worth of clothing for the “baby” to come home in. You also see her taking her “daughter” to the zoo with them, in a beautiful white and blue pram. They also decide to get a souvenir photo taken of the family.

Now the above woman has decided she never wanted children, but wanted to “fulfill her maternal instinct” and does so with these babies. Her “perfect babies” Another vignette was that of a grandmother, only her story is presented as if the child has died, and you muster that sympathy and believe that perhaps this will fill a void. Just to hold this “baby” may give her solace for what she has lost. You go on to find out that Harry, her grand son lives with his mother and father in New Zealand, is very much alive, and is the picture of good health.

I talked to J about this on our way home and he said “if it made you happy and fulfilled a need then what harm is it doing?” and too a point I agree, but further I am concerned. So I said “ok, you wouldn’t mind then if I bought one outfitted a nursery, bought a pram, and a car seat then?” And again he said NO if it made me happy. I find that bizarre. I appreciate the fact that he wouldn’t leave me if I turned the bend on reality…but on the other hand how can you condone your spouse in her 30’s walking around a baby doll that looks real? I don’t know maybe I am missing something and if I am help me out here.

Yes I know, this has nothing to do with my personal infertility journey, and no I have not gone off the deep end think this would be a suitable alternative. Don’t worry the men in white coats are safely back at the sanitarium because there will never be any photos of me and little Suzie who arrived in a box from England…but seriously don’t let my opinion sway yours. I would really like to know if any of you think that these dolls have any therapeutic value to them at all….I mean you never know…they might…right?

The Race Is On...

I don’t know if I have mentioned it in detail, but on January 31st I have an appointment with a different RE. To be honest, I am not sure if he is an “RE” as we know them or a GYN who dabbles in infertility, but according to the information that I have received he does do IVF’s, IUI’s, and microsurgery for fertility. So I suppose dabbles is the wrong word to use. It is just that he is well rounded; he can do my pap smear one day, and then an IVF the next. Talk about one top shopping!

At any rate, I haven’t changed the plan for the IVF in 2009 (2010 at the latest) but I still wanted to follow through with my second opinion. The reason for it is that I want to hear if Dr. K was correct, or if we have perhaps missed a step or two along the way. I am most interested in ovarian drilling, and at the very least my first saline ultrasound, and that elusive second laparoscopy.

I understand that this game is a numbers one, and that after 4 IUI’s that I was becoming a bigger risk to that percentage. However I would like to at least have my opinions regarding my care viewed objectively as opposed too “times up”. If this doctor after careful review and examination concludes that the only order of treatment left is IVF then that is completely acceptable. This gives me a year to enact my additional plans.

First, I rejoined the gym this weekend. My mom actually did too. We are going to take a water aerobics class together, and I plan on over coming my fear of the elliptical. This isn’t a trade off of; if I can’t be a mother at least I can be thin. No, that isn’t it at all. I never plan to be a stick. I just plan to be healthier for healthier makes all things, not just trying to conceive a lot easier.

Second, I am seriously considering counseling. Simply because when we do finally write the check for IVF it will be our one and only attempt. This was J’s concession and mine to be able to do this. So I want to work through the topics of the IVF potentially failing, and the possibility of never being a parent. My thought is if I can work through some of those issues prematurely that I will then be able to focus my energies on possible success as opposed to being so consumed with the idea that “this is it”

Now, I have a request. If anyone is familiar with ovarian drilling…had it done, knows someone who had it done…has read about it etc. Can you please refer them to me? I know of one person who had it done. She was over weight, had tried unsuccessfully for 6 years to conceive. She had her 1st IUI 6 months after the surgery with male factor conceived twin boys who are now 3, but she is the only one…so when I present my argument again I would like to have more than one clinic case that I am aware of to help sway the opinion if needed.

We have 11 ½ months until show time, but I feel like I am on the last leg of a really long race but I am far from ready!

The Va-Gin-a Monologues

Vagina. Hole in the wall. Queen Victoria. Pussy Cat. Pookey. Putnany. The C WORD. Orafice. Down there. Do I have your attention folks? Well the ladies of the Va-Gin-a Monologues did when they started our hour and fifteen minutes of time together and continued to have it well after the cabaret style theater lights were brought back up.

The above are just some of the names that our most intimate parts are called, and one I added because it is what mine is called. Shocking isn't it? Well that is the whole point of this play. The Va-gin-a monologues while at times is over the top with grandeous language is also very current, thought provoking, at times sad, and for the most part hysterical. I had the opportunity this evening to attend a press review of the show.

The monologues were recorded through a series of interviews, and personal life experiences by the author Eve Ensler in the year 2000, and while a new monologue is added yearly they "old" ones work just as well today as they did 8 years ago I am sure. The "cast" for our show was comprised of three women, all of whom were unique, but whom were joined by one common thread. No wait, two common threads. They each wore something red with their black ensembles, but also by the fact that they each I am fairly sure have a vagina. Shocking isn't it?

Really though this part of our anatomy is relevant from birth, or now the 20 week ultrasound "No penis. I see the three lines for a hamburger. Yup, its a girl" Of course we aren't keenly aware of what makes us a girl until our first menstrual cycle. Then we get it. The vagina for one week a month its a curse. Yes Virginia, our vagina's are a curse. Especially when you realize that this is where babies come from. Sex...now this is where pleasure enters in, but also this is where our vagina's become a big issue. Texture, scent, wet, dry, size oh my. Child birth!!! Hello, we are not gum bands. We only stretch so far...an episiwatomy? Oh yea, that is never going to go back to be the way it was before. Menopause...what comes next? The point of this seeming rant and the play is too put focus on something that is an important part of us, but is something that none of us talks about in polite company.

All fun aside, the play also has some thought provoking moments. The woman from New York example who was in her 70's and had never experienced an orgasm. Not because she couldn't, but because she was afraid. Her first near experience with a boy in the 50's had made her so self conscious that she never let herself get close to a man again for fear that "it would happen again" To her "down there" was a cellar something every house has, but not somewhere you think about or somewhere you go. It wasn't until after she had a hysterectomy and even her dreams that brought her pleasure stopped did she realize that she had nothing to be ashamed for.

The saddest was from a woman who lived in Europe who became a civilian victim of the war. Prior to the war she was open and loving, and enjoyed being with her boy friend. She didn't feel dirty or ashamed of anything her body did. After 7 days of brutal rape with broom sticks, bottles, and even the cold end of a rifle did she stop believing this. Now, she see's her feminine being as dirty, diseased, and herself unworthy of it. Later she went on to be one of the hundreds of thousand of women who under go clitoral circumcision as a hope to relieve her pain.

I do not write this entry for shock value, or for hits from a go-o-gl-e search, but rather from a request. The only request from the theater who sponsored this showing was that we make others aware of this show, and to write about it. What is ironic is that this blog started as an infertility blog, and as such there were many entries of doctors appointments, and "dildo cam" appointments, yet never once did I wonder about what really "goes on down there" until tonight. So now that I have seen it, heard it, and enjoyed it I encourage all of you too do the same. For those in the Pittsburgh are the City Theater in the S. Side is playing the Monologues at a cost of $35 a ticket. For those who aren't near the Burg keep your eyes out and consider going the next time it is in town. Take your mother, your sister, your girl friend and be ready to be amazed.

Seriously. It is an amazing 75 minutes that will make you laugh out loud, will make you draw in a breath that you hold for longer than you anticipated you would. A show that will make you go home and want want to talk about it with your spouse, but because the V word is in the title will tell you "I don't want to hear about that" but trust me...you will be talking about it for a long time to come!

If you are interested you tube has several of the monologues. The Angry Va-gin-a was my favorite, but should not be view if there are young children with in ear shot as the language is suspect.

Thank God Its Friday!

Thank God Its Friday! No truer words have ever been spoken. For a work week that lasts 5 days or the equivalent of 40 hours it sure seems like it was much longer.

Monday: I bit the bullet and sent the fax to Dr. K’s office. I requested that a copy of my medical record be released not only to my “second opinion” doctor, but also requested that a copy be sent in its entirety to me. Its official, I have gone from active patient of too former patient of with the push of the send button. Two hours after everyone’s arrival in the midst of a normal Manic Monday 3/3 gets a phone call. Her husband has been rushed to the hospital after fainting on a street in Down Town Pittsburgh. This emergency caused her early release from work, leaving the rest of us scattering to pick up the slack. After lunch things progressively got worse. We had an “emergency” change too two clinics. This is tedious work as it involves telephone calls, messages, return phone calls, and letters being sent out. Oh and of course the outraged parent of our patients when we do reach them on the phone. I couldn’t have been happier when the whistle blew on this day.

Tuesday: G is not coming in again, and while Tuesdays during this time of year are just as bad as Monday’s who could blame her? At least we could breath a sigh of relief…the clinics were rescheduled, and nothing else was on the horizon. Or so we thought…for after lunch we received word that there was a death “in the family” One of our physician’s sons died. Scrambling occurred again as we began rescheduling two clinics which were to occur within the next 24-48 hour time period. Again, by 4:30 I was mentally and physically drained. Thank heavens its “date night” some Mexican food and a hot bath later I am feeling slightly more human.

Wednesday: TB test day. There is nothing like having the soft flesh on the under side of ones arm pricked by a needle wielding a nurse who is in a hurry. G is back hoorah. Her husband is home with a diagnosis that isn’t life threatening, so we can relax. Then the call comes in…her services are needed elsewhere in the clinic, she needs to report upstairs. It’s OK, because its Wednesday and Wednesday’s are the start of the slow down. Then the call comes again. The head of our department wishes to attend the funeral, we need to reschedule her clinic for Friday…here we go again. Coupled with a meeting at 12:45 that could have been handled via a teleconference this did not add up to a banner day.

Thursday: Poke the bear day. Then an early morning doctors appointment to hopefully give my ankle the all clear. By lunch J and I had completely gotten over the tiff of the morning. Both of us were mature enough to recognize that it was caused by a week that wasn’t quite over yet. For dinner he brought me home some BBQ which no pun intended put me in hog heaven. Later, he decided that I needed to be taken out for ice cream. There is nothing like chocolate ice cream with hot fudge and bananas at 9 o’clock at night folks.

Here we are today, it’s finally Friday. I still have to get my TB test read, but let me just say in advance, no reaction means a negative test. At least something went right this week! After work we have been invited out for drinks with some friends, and J has agreed to go. Following that I plan to go to the Y and rejoin the gym.

Oh yes…TGIF because if it was a M, T, W, or T again…I don’t know if I could survive em’…

Don't Poke The Bear...

J woke up cranky this morning. This is normal for a Thursday. His pattern is that by Thursday and Friday to be completely unbearable. I know he works hard, but come on, I may sit behind a desk for 80% of my day where he sits behind one for 40%, but that doesn't mean that my mentally stressful weeks are any less productive. Yet when he asks the question "how was your day" and my answer happens to be long and tiring he rolls his eyes and gets a glazed over look. Given this known fact of reasoning I suppose I should have just "let it go" today when on the radio they listed the top 8 reasons why people divorce.

8. Religion 7. To have or not to have children 6. How to raise the children 5. Lack of communication 4. I forget 3. Another woman/man 2. Money 1. Physical abuse

So me being me, and seeing the humor in almost everything decided to "poke the bear" I looked over at J and said "well gee we have 2 of 8, that doesn't bode well does it" Big mistake, never poke a bear when they haven't been fed and are sitting in Parkway East traffic. His answer was then fine lets just get a divorce. Uhm, ok now I know you are cranky but really a divorce?

Of course now I am mad so I have to throw up all the times when he wasn't supportive during our IUI attempts...which is far from the truth, he was hopeful but hated spending the $$ just for them to fail. To which he throws up at me that it wasn't his fault they failed. Which leads us down the road of Dr. K's report on morphology and motility, to which I get the grand male ego trip because as we all know their ability to produce sperm is what in deed makes them a man even if said man doesn't care if they ever produce a living breathing child. Unless of course he is already satisfied with this ability given our failed pregnancies before which I suppose are my fault too. So he has decreed "Dr. K is a quack he doesn't know what he is talking about, I am fine" This would have been another opportunity to let it go, but of course by now I have a big long stick in my hand and I just had to keep shoving it in.

Money, that was the next topic..."If you cared you would make sure I could have had IVF done a year ago". Now he is incredulous, "We are saving up for 1 round of IVF" to which I responded, that the money in that savings account would end up going to vacation, his new plasma tv, or a "new" second car because there won't be enough in there come next year. Which is true, but we have decided to open the HSA IF we can afford to do it, but that doesn't mean that we can't put money into our credit union account too which may help with any additional expenses. It was at this point that I opted to end the conversation and moved on to other things because he while cranky was right, but the damage was done.

With his jaw set and eyes facing forward the tone for the upcoming weekend has been laid. Hopefully it will become cold enough that he will end up hibernating, and come Monday he will be clean shaven and not quite so ready to bite the hand that pokes him with the stick...Then again, by Monday maybe the hell that has been my week won't be so weighty and I won't be so ready to be holding the stick either...

Blame It On The Computer!

I have officially become a cliché’. I was/am a computer glitch. How about them apples, no wait, PC’s?

This is the condensed version of what happened prior to the fateful letter arriving that sealed my fate in beurocratic crap wrapped in Saran wrap. The “organization” did in deed run my criminal background check that I had so graciously allowed them to do with the centrifugal movements of my signature. It, as expected came back stating that I did not, and continue too have no criminal record. So what was the problem? Well this is where the virtues of living in the computer age arrive.

My original hiring manager was promoted the week in which I was asked to stay at my current clinic. So in a rush to conclude old business on Friday before moving onto new business on Monday I apparently slipped through some fairly deep cracks. “CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?” Oh wait, that is Verizon. Better be careful, my next letter could be a law suit for copyright fraud! Now, At the time of the transfer my criminal background should have been logged by hand into the computer under my new title, but since there was no change the computer “over looked it” Even at my 6 month review, despite my revenue house changing the computer “over looked me” again because my title remained the same. Compounding matters was the fact that HR and the computer continued to have me listed under my original manger, thus my transfer, while official was never complete paper work wise. This travesty would have continued had I not received a promotion to the next level complete with pay and finally the auspicious title change on December 9th.

It was only at this time that the computer finally said “Danger Will Robinson” we have this person working here who never got their clearances and churned out a form letter advising me of my impending termination. The kicker is that while the letter was a form letter, it was signed off on in pen by the HR Manager who instead of calling me too find out why this occurred assumed that I was derelict in my duties and chose instead to sign off on it. It was then mailed too my home where it arrived 6 days later. Have I mentioned that it is less than 15 miles between my house and work? I guess the pony wasn’t feeling very expressive that week.

In the end, when a human being in HR finally pulled my file they realized their error, and as such granted me an extension. Which they assure me is only a technicality, for I have already complied with their request, and have proven my intent. So I now have until February 26th in which too supply them my final clearance, oh and yes they do have the ones from 2007, but since a year has passed apparently they are now expired. Once again I sit at the mercy of the state capital and yet another computer to supply me with this information in a timely fashion.

Now tell me where is that mythical Y2K bug when you need it?

Don't Panic...

I wish someone could explain to me why it is, that every time I come within scratching distance of an IVF plan that things begin to go awry. The latest in this trend comes on the heals of a title change, and pay raise. Good things right? Well yes, but as a result a letter was issued advising that unless I provide my ACT 33/34 clearances by January 28th, I will be terminated.

What shocks me is that when I applied for the position from which I was promoted I signed paper work authorizing a criminal background to be done. A formal offer was made and I accepted. I was part of a “pool” at that time, which meant I could float from office too office until I found a “home” well my home was the first place I landed. My transition from “floater” too “home” was via a phone call and a post it note congratulating me and welcoming me aboard. That was it. Absolutely no transition, for after all this department runs under the same fork of the wheel as my “pool” did. No muss, no fuss. It was easy.

So imagine my surprise when I opened my mail yesterday and was advised that I would be terminated on January 28th! This morning I called HR and spoke to the person who sent me the letter. I advised that I had gotten an online copy of my CLEAR criminal record, but that I don’t have the same option for my child abuse clearance. Would my application for the clearance suffice until I received it? The woman says “not to worry you won’t be terminated” boy did I breath a sigh of relief “you will be suspended because there is no way that it will be back in time” Then she says, no wait, you will be terminated because you have been here a year.

I explained to her that at no time was I given, or sent a letter advising me that I had to have those items. She said “oh wait I see what happened” When you moved “home” your title never changed and the computer didn’t pick it up. Still I am amazed that you haven’t received a letter before this. Let me pull your file, and if you haven’t received a letter before this I will TRY to extend your termination, but I make no guarantees, but don’t panic. I will call you later”

Don’t panic? Don’t panic. Hello, you are telling me that I have less than one month to get a clearance that took the last person who had to get them two months. Don’t panic, hello you are telling me I am going to be terminated on the 28th. Don’t panic, you are telling me you will try, but make no guarantees that you can help me. Don’t panic, this was just a lack of communication. Great, so who is to say that there won’t be another one? Oh yea, I won’t panic because as we know everything in life has been oh so easy for me.

A Weighty Issue

I am excited for January 4th for there is a new television show on Lifetime that is being launched. It is Carson Kresley’s “How To Look Good Naked” I am excited because we are not talking tiny little stick figures, but REAL WOMEN. Or should I say real women who resemble ME. Just seeing the previews for the last eight or so weeks has changed the way I see myself in the mirror, so I can only imagine how the show will play out.

On the flip side of this, I weighed myself for the first time since the holiday season started. I gained three pounds. While that isn’t a lot, that is still an extra 9000 calories that I managed to consume from November 23rd until January the 1st. I can probably account for at least 2000 of those calories on the 1st of the year alone, for that seemed to be the day that I was craving salsa and chips, and proceeded to eat both from lunch through bed.

This is a refreshing switch from shows like Janice Dickinson’s Modeling Agency in which she tells a girl who is a size TWO that she is FAT! Can you imagine! I would kill to be a size 12 again, and to her that is probably the attack of the Amazon woman. It’s no wonder that we as women have such a sub par view of bodies. Or that men oogle the bleach blond, skinny waist bountifully blessed breasted women on Bay Watch and shows of the like. For that is what we have perpetuated at the great American myth.

What strikes me as I watch re-runs of King of Queens, Still Standing, and According to Jim is that we “tolerate” BIG men with tiny wives, and find that adorable. Yet I can guarantee cancellation for any show that would portray the GQ model with an average or larger than average sized wife as the lead. I do however have to give kudos to both Days of Our Lives, and even more recently The Guiding Light on day time television for they both have, and had larger women in lead rolls. One was married to a doctor, and the other is a young adult dating a very attractive young man.

With all that said, you will never see me running around the beach in a string bikini, or wearing my Daisy Dukes while washing my car on a hot summer day. Yet that isn’t for your comfort, but mine for I am the average woman in America folks, and its time to embrace it!