Very Concerned...

I have been paranoid about this moment since I found out I was pregnant. Today it came true...I am bleeding. I am petrified. The doctor says come in tomorrow as planned. The benefit of being so early pregnant that they can't do anything for you even if you are hemorrhaging.

So at 2:30 I woke up to go to the bathroom as usual. Usual. How funny is that. How we become accustom to something so quickly. At any rate. I noted that my breasts seemed to hurt more they ever have, and that made me smile. I was also starving. So I came down stairs and made me some strawberry milk. After all babies need milk right?

At 6 the cycle repeated itself. I was hungry and I had to pee. Now, I have a habit of wiping twice. A little OCD perhaps, but its mine. The first wipe was fine. The second there was reddish blood in CM. Maybe the size of a quarter? My heart began to pound. I tried to go back to bed, but I couldn't I was hot, and nervous. So I came down stairs and got a bottle of water.

Over the course of the next hour I must have forced myself to use the bathroom a dozen times. It was then that I noticed that nothing was reaching the liner I had in...yet. Around 8 I noticed 3 dime sized spots on the liner, and that I was cramping. Of course I have been cramping since the Wed before I knew I was pregnant. Since Jake was still sleeping I decided to go to Foodland on the sly. I had to wait for 5 minutes until the opened but as soon as they did I went to the feminine hygiene isle. I picked up a bottle of Tylenol, and a package of Always over nights.

As soon as I got home I headed back to the bathroom, and sure enough Jake is awake and wants to know where I have been. I told him I needed Tylenol, and he asked if I was OK. I lied and told him yes. After all we were due at his parents house in 1 hour. We went to his parents, and I immediately went to the bathroom. No spotting. What a relief. I went 2 more times while we were there. Each time the TP was clear.

When we got home straight to the bathroom I went again. All clear, again. I was starting to relax. Still I decided it was nap time. Almost immediately I feel into what would become a restful sleep. For two hours I slept blissfully. When I woke up though it was back to the bathroom...

In the bathroom when I wiped I discovered brown water discharge again. My breasts don't seem to hurt at all today, and my uterus not so hard. I am still hungry, but that could be a defense mechanism...

I was so naive. I figured with a progesterone level of 147 that I would not have to worry about spotting. With a beta of 80, maybe...but not a progesterone level that high. All the nurse marveled over it. Yet here I am today worried about my blood work tomorrow. Wondering if I should take a full day off of work. Wondering if I will make it to my ultrasound in 2-3 weeks. Wondering if my baby that should be turning from blastolyst to embryo today is still there. Wondering if I will ever carry a baby to term.

Yes, I am very concerned...and now the tears are going to fall.