Enough Already...

So the nurse just called. My numbers are the SAME as they were a week ago. Yup, HCG is STILL 124, and my P4 is still 11. The doctor however is "not concerned" Well good for him. It's not HIM who has a dead embryo obviously still attached inside of them. So why would HE be concerned? Me, I am PI$$ED. Seriously I have had enough. I had enough 2 weeks ago when they told me this pregnancy was non viable. I had enough three days later when they wouldn't do a D&C. I had enough last week when they offered me Methotrexate, but I was HOPEFUL that it would resolve the issue. NOW I have had MORE than enough.

Jake and I just had a HUGE knock down (literally) drag out fight. I was so out of control that he had to restrain me. This is NOT normal. I am a yeller yes, but I have NEVER gotten to the point where he was concerned about my hurting him or myself. This is NOT NORMAL, but the doctor is still not concerned. Jake admitted that he doesn't look at this as defeat, but rather as hope. He is convinced that as soon as this is over and we would get the OK that we will be pregnant in short order. I finally admitted to him that I don't want to try again. I can't go through this again. I am going to be 34 years old in November, at 35 there are too many variables that make a healthy pregnancy all the more unlikely...and if I couldn't do it at 23, and then again at 33...there is no way that 34 or 35 would be any different. He said "lets just wait and see"

Back to the nurse...said that Dr. wants me to come back on Thursday for more blood work. That is "important that we keep a close eye on this" I told her I have missed far to much work and that coming up on Thursday is IMPOSSIBLE. My heart of hearts tells me that I am going to be going in for another laprascopy with D&C soon. When what I want to do is scream...WHY DID YOU NOT DO THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE???

Yes, today I am dripping in anger...not because I have a right too. There are people out in the world who have it far more difficult than I do. No, I am dripping with anger simply because I have had enough...and I don't know how much more I can take before I crack so badly that even industrial strength Spackle won't be able to fix me...