Its Over (almost)

2007, like my vacation is just about over. My vacation will cease to be in 40 minutes, and 2007 in 16 hours and 39 minutes. In short order we will be given 366 days in which to do with anything thing we choose. Some of us will go on to become first time parents either through the birth of our biological child(ren) or through adoption. Others will be one step closer to becoming pregnant, and others will finally close the book on that chapter all together. Yet others, who have different dreams and ambitions, will seek to fulfill those within the short time that we are allotted.

I am not one who believes in resolutions. Sure, I have tried them. “This year I will loose weight” or “This is the year I will quit smoking” or “This is the year I will attend church more” Yet come the 3rd of January, when the hustle and bustle of the holiday season is behind us, those resolute promises are like Christmas tree ornaments. They are packed away in the recesses and every day life resumes until “next year” when they are once again pulled out, dusted off, and revisited with the same passion as before, yet we notice that somewhere along the way they lost some of their original luster.

That sounds like a dim view doesn’t it? But it’s not really. See, it’s like those years, and there were many, when I resolved to quit smoking. I would promise myself, my husband my family "this is the year", but ultimately it didn’t happen until I was ready, and when it did it was without pomp and without circumstance, it just came to be without anything more than a figurative puff of smoke. So this is my plan for the year, a resolution perhaps, perhaps not. This year I have 366 days in which to live, and I want to live each one of those in the moment, not in a spontanious don't ever plan anything way, but rather be like an onion. An onion has form, and mass, but you have to peel away the layers to see what is next...but you don't think so much about getting to the next layer, it just happens. So, my plan is, don’t to so much about what is going to happen next, or worry so much about what didn’t...what ever will be will be.

We are limited in how many trips around the sun that we get to take…and this year I want to try to make this the best one yet. I very much hope that each one of us lives in the moment, even for a little while this New Year. Shed the chains of the past, while looking forward to the future, but never forgetting to live in the now. For if I learned anything in 2007, it is that life is often times not fair, and often times too short, and that in the blink of an eye a seemingly ordinary day can be the one that changes everything.

So my friends have a Happy New Year. For those who make resolutions I wish you success. For those who don’t, try this one on for size and see what happens? Be safe if you are out tonight, and remember today is the first day of the rest of your life!

Happy New Year!

Oh Crap...

Can 2007 please, please, pretty please be over like YESTERDAY? Please. J and I were fighting as we rang in the new year of 2007, and from the looks of it we may be fighting it out. Isn't it ironic?

Whats worse is it is over a dent in the car. Yup the brand new 2008 Cobalt got its first ding today. See, I am once again playing Aunt Extraordinare, and as such took my niece to the zoo. Ok, so we had free tickets but that is beside the point. I did buy her a stuffed tiger, does that count? Back to the car. Well someone apparently opened their door into my drivers side door. Yup...big old creased dent in the drivers side door.

Now what went through my mind when I discovered it was "oh shit, this sucks" followed by "J is going to freaking kill me" You see he has this "thing" If you don't NEED to go out then you shouldn't go out lest someone dent your car. Yea, well guess what...for 3 of my 4 week days of vacation you WORKED till 7 p.m. every night and had MY CAR since your car wasn't working. So believe me I NEEDED to go out. Sorry again, that was an aside. Anyway...there is no paint damage thank goodness. Just an ugly dent in my otherwise pristine car.

Turning it into the insurance company would be a joke as our deductable is only $500, and J is hopeful that it won't cost it much to "bang" it out. Hell if I had a rubber mallet I would bang it out myself. Really, my karma must really stink...here he just worked 96 hours of over time over the course of a month, of which 48 hours were to go towards our IVF savings...but now instead it will go too Day Chevrolet Body Shop, and home of the Corvette King. With a sign like that you know its going to cost you a least one injection of Follistim to say the least...

This Just In...

Yup, for a change my diagnosis is right. I wasted $10 on an HPT. Yes, yes, I know I said I wouldn't buy a test but honestly it wasn't my fault. See I was at Wal-Mart and while I happened to be walking back to the cat food and 1/2 off Christmas stuff the hpt box just fell into my cart. I mean really, who puts pregnancy tests at the very end of the family planning isle between the tampons and the condoms? Gee, they could just happen to fall into anyones cart who happened to be walking down the isle. Honest thats what happened. I didn't price compare or note that the Equate +/- slots were EMPTY...what was that the top gift for 2007 for Christmas or what?

So anyway...despite the lack of sore breasts, heck they are floppier than bean bags at a college frat house; a 97.9 bbt today, lack of pregnancy or pms symptoms I still decided to pee on the stick today. Purer than driven snow is the saying I am looking for here when we say it was a BIG GIANT BIG FAT NEGATIVE.

I wasn't surprised. I was just glad I did it. Now I can go to my "new" RE appointment knowing that I am not pregnant. See, I went to Dr. K's in June HOPING that maybe my test would be positive. So my plan for tonight is to go to Rite Aid, get my provera filled and collect my $20 gift card for filling a new script there.

So there ya have it...I am not a doctor, but I play one on the blog.

Cycle Day...29

I hope Santa was good too everyone!

He was especially generous at our house. DH got me my gold wedding band, and I couldn't be more thrilled. My good set now resides in my jewelery box awaiting a trip to the jeweler. One of the smaller stones came out, and I would love to have the prongs tightened and oh I don't know maybe have it cleaned. He also brought me an expansion for the Sims2, and a Reba CD. Other things he left include gift cards for Kohls, the grocery store, Apple Bee's, and a sewing machine. In my mind I am going to make something fabulous...but we shall see.

So as my title suggests today is CD 29. Yup, cd 29. No sign of AF, and no sign that there is a baby on board. I am quite sure I was/am annovulatory again, but am rather surprised that I didn't have the dysfunctional uterine bleeding that typically accompanies that state of being. Ironically the last time this happened was the month that I started seeing Dr. K again this year...ultimately I ended up with a 40+ day cycle, and a round of Provera. History repeating its self I suppose for my second opinion is on January 3rd with Dr. T

A part of me wants to run to Wal-Mart and buy a test...but I know that it would be a waste of money. Of course the other part of me wants to be "one of those women from Iowa" *Yes I know stereotypical* who "didn't know they were pregnant because..." but I know that is just a pipe dream. So the +/- test will reside on the shelf waiting for a woman with trembling hands to pick it up and take it home...but those hands won't be mine. I will wait patiently till 1/3/08 at which time I will fill out the answer to "when was your last menstrual period?" with November 23, 2007 and I will then bare my arm so that it can be poked only to hear "your progesterone is .04, not only haven't you ovulated, but you won't get AF without this medication either"

Of course this coming from the woman who self diagnosed a heart attack...only to find out at the follow up appointment that it wasn't even an anxiety attack...and instead was a weather induced asthmatic episode. So maybe...just maybe...my CD 29 diagnosis is wrong too, but I doubt it.

Happy Holidays!

While most are done Christmas shopping, I still have one gift left. Its a simple gift card, but even that could leave me stranded at the mall for days. So in light of that, and my upcoming vacation next week I decided to send my holiday greetings today.

I hope each and everyone of you gets what you desire for the holiday. For some that will be that illusive bfp, for others word that their adoption has been approved, and for others yet it will simply be a material object that they have lusted after. Regardless, I hope that each of you are able to find some joy in the lights, the cookies, and the warmth of being with family and friends.

Lastly thank to you all for your continued support. I am fairly new to the blogging world, so to have your faithful readership has been a comfort. Especially during those dark days that seem to plague us all. I look forward to coming back after my vacation and reading about your celebrations, and hopefully will find some good news from you all.

Merry Christmas and a Very Happy and Prosperous New Year!

PS. I asked Santa for pink and blue baby dust for us all this year!

We Interupt This Program...

Seriously have we become such a dumbed down society that the following must be plastered on the side of my take out tea cup: THIS CUP IS MADE FROM PAPER-CAUTION: CONTENTS HOT. Seriously, here I thought I was drinking from the Queens china, and now you tell me that the cup is made out of paper. Oh, and thank you Dixie for advising me that my cup of hot green tea with 2 creams, and 3 Splenda packets is hot. The steam coming off the top wasn’t enough of a reminder that I, a mature and sometimes responsible adult ordered hot tea. Without that warning I may have placed the cup between my legs and began to putter around the office in my chair.

Another label that really gets me is the one on the back of my sun visor in my car. You all have seen them, the one with the air bag placing the rear facing baby precariously close to death. Really, is sleep deprivation so severe in parents of an infant that they forget basic physics? Ok lets review, rear facing car seat anchors to the seat at the rear of the car seat. So logic would tell me (a non parent) that if something were to explode out of the dashboard with hundreds of pounds of pressure behind it that little JR and his car seat are going to pivot at the point of anchoring and will then be lodged into the back of the front seat. Apparently however enough people failed physics to be able to put two and two together to get 4…and yes I know I am mixing arithmetic and science.

Oh, and while I am on the subject of children…cribs. Have you ever read the box? Yup you guessed it “DO NOT LEAVE BABY UNATTENDED” You know, now that I think about it, perhaps this is why the warning is on the car visor. Its not that we are uneducated, it's that we really are that sleep deprived. Perhaps the crib should have an additional warning “Do not drive or operate heavy machinery after using this product” After all the baby sleeps for what, 4 hours a night? If you can’t leave him there safely when the heck are you supposed to sleep?

Mini blinds are another pet peeve of mine. Who puts their child’s crib, high chair, step stool, potty set etc close enough to a mini blind so that the child could hang themselves with a cord? Wait, I do have a friend who has a photo on her blog of her daughter who should be sleeping, playing with the cord to the mini blinds instead...So apparently there have been plenty because not only do the cords break away (which I do think is ingenious for cats who can’t read but whom insist on playing with the dangling cord), but do they also come out of the box with a warning NOT to place your child’s crib within reach of the cord. Then again these are probably for the same parents who couldn’t figure out the physics of a rear facing car seat and a passenger side air bag…but I digress.

Even plastic bags come with a warning. Do not let children play with plastic bag, could lead to suffocation. Darn, and I was going to save money this Christmas and give all the kids their own box of XL Ziplocks this year. Boy, I really wish I could be the person who comes up with these warnings and then proceeds to get paid for it. I wonder how much someone like that would make. Oh, and I am sure that when he/she cashes his/her check at the bank that the teller hands him/her a card that says “don’t swallow coins; choking hazard”

Here is my thought, instead of the government wasting money on warnings such as these; they could provide each house hold with a robot like the one on Lost in Space. Whenever we pick up an implement that can cause bodily harm he can sneak up behind you and loudly screech “Danger Will Robinson Danger” Of course then I may spill that hot tea out of my paper cup and burn myself…so I guess the robot would have to come with his own warning sign too…

Yes, today I feel a little like Andy Rooney from 60 Minutes…only I am much cuter and not nearly as cranky. Tomorrow we will return to normally scheduled programing.

Is It 2009 Yet???

No, that wasn't a typo in that I am waiting for 2008. I want to fast forward and quickly move on to 2009. Whats the rush Sue? Why are you wishing away a year that hasn't even started yet? Ah well, let me go back to the begining.

You have shared with me the inner turmoil of IVF, and adoption that didn't seem any more likely to happen than George Bush being elected to a 3rd term in the White House. Yet something (potentially) has happened. I have debated sharing the news for fear of jinxing myself...but given that we have 12 1/2 months until decision time I think its safe...

Before my anxiety attack, two days before to be exact, per Daisy's suggestion I brought up embryo adoption with J. At first he seemed ok with the proposition providing that I did the research on cost. Then he shot the idea down when again he became aware that he would not be the biological father to the potential child either. He has no problem with egg donation, but it must be his sperm that fertilizes the egg. He has to have that biological attatchment to the child. For him it is the end of the discussion, which once again left me feeling completely deflated. It now seemed to be the end of the road....but it wasn't, we reached a fork.

J took my hand and said he was glad I brought this up because he had been thinking. Without my knowledge he was working on opening up a credit union account for us. He was ready to start at least trying to save for 1 and only 1 round of IVF. If we came up with the funds and barring any emergencies such as the engine dropped out of the car, the money would be for IVF and IVF only. However I have to agree that if it failed that I would accept that we were at the end of our fertility road. I was stunned silent, but he proceeded. He was thinking a 2 year time table would just about do it if we were frugal, and used his OT proceeds. I then promised that I would research clinics between here, Ohio, and Maryland. Perhaps someone would be cheaper than Dr. K's charge of $10,000-$12,000 if you need ICSI (which he has said I would but I now question...how do you know?). J's last request...that I didn't obsess about it, and with that it was decided. 2010 we would try for IVF...I would be 36, but it was still doable...

So that night I started my research, and imagine my surprize when I came across this clinic $4950! I read the price again with great skepticism, and then of course consulted with the gals on dailystrength One of the respondents did her own research on the clinic before getting back to me, and another had used them! They are LEGIT! Information in hand I went to J and said "what about IVF for $5000?" He jumped on it, but reminded me I still had to wait. We don't just have $5000 lying around.

We then started to budget. If I save my "allowance" $60 every two week, then in 1 year I will have $1560. With OT we should net another $2000. We are up to $3560 leaving $1390 for us to come up with. We can handle that easily if we buckle down. Then I said...what about and FSA? We could STILL utilize the credit union for 1 year, and next year at open enrollment go ahead and take out a $5000 FSA. That would cover the IVF...we could do it as early as February or March...and then pay it off over the course of a year PLUS still have the $$ in savings.

J's answer??? "Lets see what the financial situation looks like for 2009, and it we can swing the $$ coming out of your check then yes we can do it" So if all goes well I am 12 1/2 months from having the $$ to TRY to have our IVF baby! If all doesn't go so well then I am about 2 years away...but boy is that better than saying 'never'

Merry Christmas to me!!!

Anxious anyone?

Me anxious? No not me….

So I had a scare this morning. I woke up and everything was fine. J dropped me off at my corner (boy don’t I sound like a street walker) and I walked up the hill to the ER entrance and headed to my office. On the way up the hill I noticed that I was out of breath. I attributed this to the fact that it’s cold and rainy, and as a child I was slightly asthmatic.

Upon arrival at my office everything was fine. I called my boss, talked to her RE: the typical BS. Went and got my breakfast. On my way there I noticed a tightening in my chest. Like someone was sitting on it, but it wasn’t painful, just pressure. So what does an educated woman in her 30’s do? Well I googled the following: Heart attack symptoms women, Heart Attack, Asthma, and finally pneumonia. Some of my symptoms fit each category and others none, but again what do I do? Do I call a nurse? 911? No…I tell my co-worker TNT that I am having a heart attack. She then threatens to call the doctors and our boss…so I give in...I called our nurse and told her my symptoms. WHY? She asked, and I said I think I am having a heart attack. WHY? She asked, and I said I think I am having a heart attack.

She assured me that based upon the sound of my voice that I was very likely getting a chest cold or pneumonia. Diagnosis, I was in a subclinical state. WHAT? I asked. “You are coming down with something” Ok, we're moving right along. A co-worker said I looked flushed, not pale. So now I really do think I am having a heart attack. The nurse called back with an add on patient and asked if I wanted her to come down to my office to check me out. Uhm YES, that would be helpful I think right about now.

Lo and behold, I am not having a heart attack despite my blood pressure being elevated at 138/98, a steady normal pulse of 84, and slightly diminished lung capacity. Instead she is fairly sure I am having a classical anxiety attack. We called my PCP whom I haven’t seen in 2 years too see if he would call me in At I V a N…but we don’t have a definitive answer yet, and I am waiting on a return phone call from them.

In the mean time I am to breathe…in and out…in and out…and try to keep my mind off of anything that may make me anxious. Gee…I wonder what could be? Personally, I think its post traumatic stress...but then again I thought I was having a heart attack...so that diagnosis could be wrong too...

Tis The Season...

If it is the season to be jolly then why I am so out of sorts?

It started on Friday night. I had worked my regular 8 hours, and then followed up with 5 more at Michaels. A group was meeting at Friday's for the after Christmas party, party but J didn't want to go. Instead we decided to go and eat by our selves. Of course some where along the line our conversation lead to IVF and or adoption. Subjects as of late that require even more light treading.

Once again I was given a resounding NO in response to adoption. He just can't, or won't more to the point love a child that isn't his. So I asked, just for the sake of argument, what if I had a child right now? What if you and I just met, and I had a child from a previous relationship would that preclude me from being a candidate for your affections? To that he says "it would be different because it would be your child" Ok now we are getting into semantics for as far as I am concerned an adopted child would be just as much my child as any I gave birth too. For fear of a huge public scene I let it go...

We moved to IVF. A process that Dr. K said would be the only hope for a biological child. Now J says he is not opposed to it in the least, but we just can't afford it. No kidding, but have you ever tried? I mean seriously looked into ways? Of course not, and well this just made me more angry. If the shoe were on the other foot...if it were his dream I would pursue any and every avenue possible to make it come true...but for him that just isn't a priority...So... When we returned home I applied for a loan for IVF. I want to say CitiBank funds them. They even had my clinic and the payor information when I went through the process...For a second while the loan was processing I let myself have hope. I would go up stairs and tell him I found a way, and while it would cost some $$ over the course of 60 months, it wouldn't kill our budget...but I of course was denied. I guess $27,000 in student loans, a brand new $19,000 car, and even more out in revolving credit card debt doesn't make me worthy of a loan to become a parent. Plan B was to see how much a month a $5000 HSA (health savings account) would cost me a month. That figure was $384...or $192 a pay check. J would have to open one also and we would end up loosing take home pay of $768 a month if we were too go that route...that is more than two car payments, or 1 1/3 house payment a month. He is right...we just can't afford it. I called it a day and went to bed. Sunday I went to work, and had a pretty good day. I didn't once think about babies or kids, or the fact that something is missing from my life. In fact it was one of the better days I have had...

Then today I woke up and realized it doesn't even feel much like Christmas yet we are only 2 weeks away. My mood slowly began to slip further to the point where co-workers were asking if I was OK...to which I simply said "I am tired" after all there are two more parties to attend, several luncheons at work, and of course 1 more day of shopping with my sister before it becomes a blaze of activity as the ribbon and paper fly on Christmas Day. Yet, I just want to forget it all. I said to my sister tonight, I think this is the last year I am going to decorate. Why bother...I don't have kids to enjoy it, and I don't host Christmas...so what is the point of going to all the hassle?

Even so, after I hung up I found myself in the kitchen making "one more batch" of my "famous" chocolates. Tonight it was white chocolate candy cane crunch. As gingerbread men, pinwheels, and drummer boys came to life my mood did seem to lift a little. Yet as soon as I had them sealed in their bags the clouds rolled in again, and the only thing I wanted to do was cry...

Tis the season...and I want to be jolly...can somebody tell me how.

Fa La La La La....

Last night our department, and when I say department, I don’t mean just the 40 of us who “run” the pediatric otolaryngology clinic. No, I mean the departments of otolaryngology pediatrics, adult, research, and audiology departments had the annual holiday party. When the invitation appeared on my computer screen one Thursday afternoon I was most inclined to delete it. Spouses were not invited, and the two gals who share my job description had no intentions of going either.

Yet last night, after a last minute RSVP by another co-worker/friend of ours we stood there in the doorway of the Art Rooney Club Level of Heinz Field. It was in that moment that I felt like it was the first day of high school again and I was the newbie. We hung our coats with coat check, and immediately began surveying the scene. Who do we talk too? Who are those in the know? Who shouldn't we hang out with? Who should we be seen with? After all according to Yahoo you are being watched at these events.

Given this insight we decided that we needed a table that was out of the way enough so that we wouldn’t be noticed, but in view enough so that we would be noticed by those whom we would like to gossip with, and by those who have the power to promote. After we staked out our spot, we marked our territory with purses, wallets, and name tags we ventured over to the bar. What does one order in this situation? Does one order wine to appear sophisticated? Or does one order a mixed drink to appear relaxed and sociable? Keeping in mind that you only have 2 free drinks, and any of them after that will run you $6 plus the newly formed Allegheny Drink Tax that was just passed. My posse and I decided to live dangerously and went for mixed.

As more and more persons began to arrive we watched with interest as the looks of panic washed away as the realization of “I know those people” as they headed for our table and others around us that were occupied by persons known to them. Quickly however, our quaint table for 5 gave way too moving two additional tables together so that we now had seating for 10, which now put us front and center in the middle of the room. Again, just like in high school the exact spot you did not want to be in on the first or last day of class.

As we sat it became even more obvious that yes, this could have been any schools cafeteria instead of a swanky club level of a stadium. For you could immediately distinguish the cliques within the class. The docs, with the exception of two sat amongst themselves. The "big boss" and her secretary seemed oblivious to all conversation around them with the exception of their own. Then there were the loners. The ones who watched from a far, but who would never ask if they could join your table for fear of rejection.

You know, I never went to any of my class reunions…having missed my 5th, and 10th, but I imagine had I gone that it would have been much like last nights party was. The same old stories of "remember when" would be passed around like the game winning foot ball from “the game of 1994” and the same people who were drunk on graduation day would still be getting drunk now, just because that was their high school legacy.

Of course somethings do change. Last night, I sat with the cool kids, and I didn't even have to shake them down for their lunch money to do it. Oh yes Virginia, there is a Santa Clause.

Opened The Can...

I opened that can of worms I mentioned in my last entry. Not so much opened it, as punctured the metal to release the vacuum contained within. As anticipated I got a reaction, albeit not the response I expected. I had expected a resounding "NO" but instead was shocked with "I thought you were over the whole baby thing"

While this was not the response I anticipated, it did open an inner monologue. "that baby thing" In a way he is right, I am over the "baby" part of the "thing" but I am not over the wanting to be a parent. Its just that parenting doesn't mean that A. It has to be a baby or B. that it has to spew forth from my baby bump either. At one point I didn't understand that parenting was more than booties, bibs, and binkies. I couldn't see past the baby stage, I couldn't see raising a child, teenager, or young adult. It never occurred to me in "real time" that there is more to parenting than a baby. Of course I knew that babies become toddlers, who become children, who become adults...but when someone thinks of their family they see an infant, not a toe headed young boy that the stork drops off at the their door step.

The next day I stumbled across an article that stated parents to be spend more time planning for their nursery and delivery than they do for parenting once the child gets here. The consequence of this equals a divorce rate of 30% of the total divorces in the US involving a single child under the age of 18 months old. So I realize, that I am completely not alone in my blinded vision of parenthood. I also know that he is not. For when we did seriously last discuss foster parenting with the intent to adopt, that he has some very specific ideas of what child he would "accept" for potential adoption, and one of them was he only wanted a new born. So he too is blinded by what "parenthood is"

This lead to further "research" if you will. Parenthood has always been more important to me than to him. He took, and takes the attitude, "if you get pregnant and stay pregnant great. If you don't then I don't need to search for it" His idea is pretty absolute. So I began searching for "When one spouse wants a child and one does not" I was looking more for coming to terms with that, and finding out how does one move past the longing, and firmly into being a family of two for now and forever...but instead found much information on the divorce rate, and the resentment that arises from "giving in" to the others whims. However, I am lead back to the last paragraph...what is divorce rate then if he would give into me, and we adopted? Would we then be among that 30% before little one turns 18 months? That is an even scary proposition than being child free.

I mentioned it again in a "joking" manner the next day. DH wants a motorcycle, and I must admit I find that sexy. He isn't reckless, or suicidal so I know he wouldn't be out riding with the Hells Angels. No, he would be the quintessential weekend warrior, and the Myrtle Beach Bike week rider. So I said to him "tell you what, next year you can get your bike and then we can adopt a child. What do you think?" I know he was kidding, but he said it with a smile "Ok"

I haven't mentioned it since, but it has been on my mind. The timing isn't right this year...but maybe next. Maybe after my second opinion in January...so I can official start my "year of mourning" my inability to conceive. That will make the county happy, and who knows...maybe by then J will have decided that yes being a parent is more than whose sperm and egg created the child...and maybe, the next time I mention adoption it won't be me who mentions adoption at all.