I am putting a for sale sign in the yard, and am moving the blog and I to some new digs.
We found some great property over at Wordpress. Over there I have keys! I can lock specific entries or the whole darn house. I love it.
The address is http://familyoftwo98.wordpress.com/
I have copied and pasted the last entry from this blog and moved it over there. It still smells like fresh paint and carpet over there, so there aren't any photos on the walls yet. So its a little bare. As soon as I can figure out how to add my tickers and things I will do so.
Oh, you will need the password for my protected entries: Secret
Enjoy
What's Up Doc?
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
I Know She Ment Well...
This is an email I got from my mother in law today.
I was sorry to hear that your pregnancy was not to be. You and Jake are young…you’ll have another. You should’ve came down yesterday with Jake. I hope you don’t think that I’m “angry” or upset with you. By all means, I’m not and neither is Dan. I just wanted you to know that we’re thinking about you and hope you are all right.
Mary Anne
For the most part it is sweet, and dripping with concern. Which to be honest is a surprise. Picture Roseanne as your Mother In Law, and you being "Mark" well thats about how well she liked me until about oh 3 years ago or so. Anyway...
You'll have another really peaves me. How do you know? How can you say that? WHY would you say that? There is NOTHING that is normal about this situation...its not even over yet, and you are already planning the next grand child? Please. I don't even know if I ever want to have unprotected sex again. You will have another...please.
I am over reacting I know...but that line just bugs me...
I was sorry to hear that your pregnancy was not to be. You and Jake are young…you’ll have another. You should’ve came down yesterday with Jake. I hope you don’t think that I’m “angry” or upset with you. By all means, I’m not and neither is Dan. I just wanted you to know that we’re thinking about you and hope you are all right.
Mary Anne
For the most part it is sweet, and dripping with concern. Which to be honest is a surprise. Picture Roseanne as your Mother In Law, and you being "Mark" well thats about how well she liked me until about oh 3 years ago or so. Anyway...
You'll have another really peaves me. How do you know? How can you say that? WHY would you say that? There is NOTHING that is normal about this situation...its not even over yet, and you are already planning the next grand child? Please. I don't even know if I ever want to have unprotected sex again. You will have another...please.
I am over reacting I know...but that line just bugs me...
They Know...
Jake finally told his parents about the baby. They said they were starting to get worried but didn't want to pry. I love that about them. They are 100% there if we need them, be it borrowing money, lending a home improvement hand, house/dog sitting while on vaction. What ever we need, but they don't "bother us" or judge us for what ever decisions we make. Even so I couldn't bring myself to go over with him. Instead I busied myself with house work. Which Lord knows I have been slacking on as of late.
After he left I went outside and sat on the deck in my sky chair. I was reading "I Lost Our Baby" as the sun hit my goose bump covered legs. As I was reading I became more discouraged with the book. It started out with promise. It outlined how they had come to being pregnant, of course it was an oops. After all their first child was only 7 months old, and they only had intercourse one time. Normally I would hate this woman, but given that I already knew the outcome I couldn't muster up any anger. Progress right?
As the book progressed it really glossed over the miscarriage and its aftermath. She seemed to move through it quickly, and then became consumed with becoming pregnant again. It was at this point that she disclosed that despite having 1 1/2 ovaries, and completely dysfunctional tube that she not only had this "oops" baby but also became pregnant wit her first child on their honeymoon. Yet now she was suddenly concerned with her "inability to conceive" Then I became angry. This was really a book about imagined secondary infertility. Which by the end of the book you come to find out by the time her son was 14 months old she was pregnant again, and as a prolouge they were also pregnant with their third child by the time that the book went to print. This was not a book about miscarriage and its aftermath, and I was mad.
When I was looking for contemporary books on this subject I couldn't find any. Sure there were medical books, but nothing written from the perspective of someone who has been there. Perhaps it is because most women who suffer from miscarriage go on to have healthy pregnancies? Or perhaps because its a topic that isn't talked about outside these circles that no one wants to talk about them? Either way its a crime. You can walk into any Borders, or Barnes and Nobles and find a ton of book on how to conceive, what it will be like while your pregnant, and then how to raise the child once it arrives. Yet there are no guides on what its like to live the infertility roller coaster, and then the aftermath when everything you have worked for ends with one blood test, or a gush of blood.
So in the time it took for Jake to visit with his parents, and to go to the pharmacy to pick up my Valium I had already started on what I hope will be a book. It's crazy I know, but just starting to write down our journey from day one seemed theraputic. I included Jake's unspoken relief when I didn't conceive in those early days, shared the financial destruction in the early years that still didn't prevent me from trying to conceive, and have made it as far now as our 6 month seperation as a result of all three.
Will it ever see the light of day? Who knows. I do plan to self publish it at least for my own benefit...and who knows, perhaps someday I would order a second copy to send to someone who needs to read it. Or maybe, someday when I am gone my niece and nephews will come acrossed it while cleaning out my house and one will sit down and read...thaking God that medical science has changed...and will relish the fact that IVF (hopefully) is the price of an IUI today...
Yes all of this stems from the fact that they now know...
After he left I went outside and sat on the deck in my sky chair. I was reading "I Lost Our Baby" as the sun hit my goose bump covered legs. As I was reading I became more discouraged with the book. It started out with promise. It outlined how they had come to being pregnant, of course it was an oops. After all their first child was only 7 months old, and they only had intercourse one time. Normally I would hate this woman, but given that I already knew the outcome I couldn't muster up any anger. Progress right?
As the book progressed it really glossed over the miscarriage and its aftermath. She seemed to move through it quickly, and then became consumed with becoming pregnant again. It was at this point that she disclosed that despite having 1 1/2 ovaries, and completely dysfunctional tube that she not only had this "oops" baby but also became pregnant wit her first child on their honeymoon. Yet now she was suddenly concerned with her "inability to conceive" Then I became angry. This was really a book about imagined secondary infertility. Which by the end of the book you come to find out by the time her son was 14 months old she was pregnant again, and as a prolouge they were also pregnant with their third child by the time that the book went to print. This was not a book about miscarriage and its aftermath, and I was mad.
When I was looking for contemporary books on this subject I couldn't find any. Sure there were medical books, but nothing written from the perspective of someone who has been there. Perhaps it is because most women who suffer from miscarriage go on to have healthy pregnancies? Or perhaps because its a topic that isn't talked about outside these circles that no one wants to talk about them? Either way its a crime. You can walk into any Borders, or Barnes and Nobles and find a ton of book on how to conceive, what it will be like while your pregnant, and then how to raise the child once it arrives. Yet there are no guides on what its like to live the infertility roller coaster, and then the aftermath when everything you have worked for ends with one blood test, or a gush of blood.
So in the time it took for Jake to visit with his parents, and to go to the pharmacy to pick up my Valium I had already started on what I hope will be a book. It's crazy I know, but just starting to write down our journey from day one seemed theraputic. I included Jake's unspoken relief when I didn't conceive in those early days, shared the financial destruction in the early years that still didn't prevent me from trying to conceive, and have made it as far now as our 6 month seperation as a result of all three.
Will it ever see the light of day? Who knows. I do plan to self publish it at least for my own benefit...and who knows, perhaps someday I would order a second copy to send to someone who needs to read it. Or maybe, someday when I am gone my niece and nephews will come acrossed it while cleaning out my house and one will sit down and read...thaking God that medical science has changed...and will relish the fact that IVF (hopefully) is the price of an IUI today...
Yes all of this stems from the fact that they now know...
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Enough Already...
So the nurse just called. My numbers are the SAME as they were a week ago. Yup, HCG is STILL 124, and my P4 is still 11. The doctor however is "not concerned" Well good for him. It's not HIM who has a dead embryo obviously still attached inside of them. So why would HE be concerned? Me, I am PI$$ED. Seriously I have had enough. I had enough 2 weeks ago when they told me this pregnancy was non viable. I had enough three days later when they wouldn't do a D&C. I had enough last week when they offered me Methotrexate, but I was HOPEFUL that it would resolve the issue. NOW I have had MORE than enough.
Jake and I just had a HUGE knock down (literally) drag out fight. I was so out of control that he had to restrain me. This is NOT normal. I am a yeller yes, but I have NEVER gotten to the point where he was concerned about my hurting him or myself. This is NOT NORMAL, but the doctor is still not concerned. Jake admitted that he doesn't look at this as defeat, but rather as hope. He is convinced that as soon as this is over and we would get the OK that we will be pregnant in short order. I finally admitted to him that I don't want to try again. I can't go through this again. I am going to be 34 years old in November, at 35 there are too many variables that make a healthy pregnancy all the more unlikely...and if I couldn't do it at 23, and then again at 33...there is no way that 34 or 35 would be any different. He said "lets just wait and see"
Back to the nurse...said that Dr. wants me to come back on Thursday for more blood work. That is "important that we keep a close eye on this" I told her I have missed far to much work and that coming up on Thursday is IMPOSSIBLE. My heart of hearts tells me that I am going to be going in for another laprascopy with D&C soon. When what I want to do is scream...WHY DID YOU NOT DO THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE???
Yes, today I am dripping in anger...not because I have a right too. There are people out in the world who have it far more difficult than I do. No, I am dripping with anger simply because I have had enough...and I don't know how much more I can take before I crack so badly that even industrial strength Spackle won't be able to fix me...
Jake and I just had a HUGE knock down (literally) drag out fight. I was so out of control that he had to restrain me. This is NOT normal. I am a yeller yes, but I have NEVER gotten to the point where he was concerned about my hurting him or myself. This is NOT NORMAL, but the doctor is still not concerned. Jake admitted that he doesn't look at this as defeat, but rather as hope. He is convinced that as soon as this is over and we would get the OK that we will be pregnant in short order. I finally admitted to him that I don't want to try again. I can't go through this again. I am going to be 34 years old in November, at 35 there are too many variables that make a healthy pregnancy all the more unlikely...and if I couldn't do it at 23, and then again at 33...there is no way that 34 or 35 would be any different. He said "lets just wait and see"
Back to the nurse...said that Dr. wants me to come back on Thursday for more blood work. That is "important that we keep a close eye on this" I told her I have missed far to much work and that coming up on Thursday is IMPOSSIBLE. My heart of hearts tells me that I am going to be going in for another laprascopy with D&C soon. When what I want to do is scream...WHY DID YOU NOT DO THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE???
Yes, today I am dripping in anger...not because I have a right too. There are people out in the world who have it far more difficult than I do. No, I am dripping with anger simply because I have had enough...and I don't know how much more I can take before I crack so badly that even industrial strength Spackle won't be able to fix me...
Friday, April 25, 2008
You've Got Balls...
I am a bit more than disappointed with PNC Park. Our seats were fabulous. We were 3 rows back from the rail in the first and second seats on the second level. No complaints there. We were foot steps from the ladies room, which is very helpful when you are waiting patiently for something to happen, and you are wearing white! And we were only a few steps further away from what used to be the stand that had "THE NACHOS" Please note I said USED TO...
Now let me tell you about these nachos...they were your typical corn chip with bbq chicken or beef. Nacho cheese, peppers of the red, and jalapeno variety, and some onions. Piled high in the paper tray that held their glory. My mouth is watering just thinking about them. Yeah...
Last night Jake went to retrive them for me only to return to tell me the "all American" stand has been replaced with a Wok. No, I am not kidding...Chinese food at a baseball game. Now I know the palet has changed. We are no longer satisfied with buttered popcorn at the movies, or myster meat hot dogs at the ball game...but really, Chinese? Are you serious? Now they did have nachos...but they were Asian nachos...which were really fried wanton skins with CUCUMBER CHUTNEY! No wonder no one in our section had nachos, but I did smell some General Tso's. Needless to say, I was less than thrilled with the cuisine last night.
It was a game full of pop up foul balls however, so it was no surprise when our section was pummeled under 6-7 of them. Cooler yet was when the guy 6 seats down from me stood up and caugh one bare hand. In all the games from the Norwich Navigators minor league, to our visit to Jacob's Field, to our many visits to Three Rivers and PNC Park have we ever been in a section that has gotten a foul ball much less it having been in the same row! Hoots and hollers were heard all around.
At the bottom of the 7th inning when we were loosing 6-1 I said "lets go home" but Jake wanted to stay to the bitter end. Then things got really interesting. In the 8th inning, Jason Bay is up to bat. He hits a foul ball "Head up" we hear from the attendant and I look up in the air. Above me I see the ball in the air, but it looks like its going to the left. No, wait it's coming back. "THUD" it wacked the plexiglass door and came shooting back at us.
I twisted my body and the next thing I know I have my hand on the ball, and people are stepping on me and around me. I yelled "I GOT IT I GOT THE BALL" and the people started to back off. It was so cool. The ball now sits on my desk, the black bruise from where bat met leather showing prominently. My smile, larger than my husbands because the odds of me ever getting a foul ball in the bottom of the 8th inning...well lets just say...I don't often beat the odds...
Now let me tell you about these nachos...they were your typical corn chip with bbq chicken or beef. Nacho cheese, peppers of the red, and jalapeno variety, and some onions. Piled high in the paper tray that held their glory. My mouth is watering just thinking about them. Yeah...
Last night Jake went to retrive them for me only to return to tell me the "all American" stand has been replaced with a Wok. No, I am not kidding...Chinese food at a baseball game. Now I know the palet has changed. We are no longer satisfied with buttered popcorn at the movies, or myster meat hot dogs at the ball game...but really, Chinese? Are you serious? Now they did have nachos...but they were Asian nachos...which were really fried wanton skins with CUCUMBER CHUTNEY! No wonder no one in our section had nachos, but I did smell some General Tso's. Needless to say, I was less than thrilled with the cuisine last night.
It was a game full of pop up foul balls however, so it was no surprise when our section was pummeled under 6-7 of them. Cooler yet was when the guy 6 seats down from me stood up and caugh one bare hand. In all the games from the Norwich Navigators minor league, to our visit to Jacob's Field, to our many visits to Three Rivers and PNC Park have we ever been in a section that has gotten a foul ball much less it having been in the same row! Hoots and hollers were heard all around.
At the bottom of the 7th inning when we were loosing 6-1 I said "lets go home" but Jake wanted to stay to the bitter end. Then things got really interesting. In the 8th inning, Jason Bay is up to bat. He hits a foul ball "Head up" we hear from the attendant and I look up in the air. Above me I see the ball in the air, but it looks like its going to the left. No, wait it's coming back. "THUD" it wacked the plexiglass door and came shooting back at us.
I twisted my body and the next thing I know I have my hand on the ball, and people are stepping on me and around me. I yelled "I GOT IT I GOT THE BALL" and the people started to back off. It was so cool. The ball now sits on my desk, the black bruise from where bat met leather showing prominently. My smile, larger than my husbands because the odds of me ever getting a foul ball in the bottom of the 8th inning...well lets just say...I don't often beat the odds...
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